I'm serious this time. Advice?
Right, forgive me if I sound emo/teen angsty here (even in the slightest), but bare with me. There may be some stuff in here about me that might freak you out. That is because I think too much.
I'm seeking advice from the people who have obviously made it through the second stages of the game of life without failing a million times over within the first few seconds.
Now that i'm back in school, instead of at home, sleeping (where I should be, because I'm one of the few humans capable of hibernating) I've been forced to be a social girly girl. Because I wear black all the time, I have a 'just don't really care' sort of air about me, and i'm silent all the time, people are labeling me as an emo or emotionally dark (except for the scant few who have decided on tolerating and accepting my non-responsive presence). I just merely like the color black (darker colors suit me), I actually just tune out things around me because they don't concern me, and I never really had any use for my voice (and when I do use it, usually something freaky comes out, the type of freaky that makes people stare at you and inch away a good few feet.)
Lately, things have been getting to me. All the various negitive things associated with the 'normal' teen life have actually been affecting me. I usually wouldn't let that bother me, but the shock of having to socialize and conform to standards so sudenly have left me vulnerable to these types of thoughts.
Mostly, it's the risk of an eating disorder and/or self-harm. I wouldn't do drugs, because the concept of not having controll over my actions 99.9% of the time frightens me, and i'll save drinking for when i'm old enough to die foolishly (which is never).
The populars have been staring me down and calling attention to me, which makes me very uncomfortable. Being vulnerable like this, I start to panic in my mind and it veers into a dark corner where I start to get concerned about my looks. Here's where the fear starts setting in. I start to think about fasting/starvation and other such things, but later, when I have a quiet moment to myself to reflect, I find it very stupid and discard those thoughts.
Now, related to that is the fantasy of living away from humans, without the need of society. To literally survive, and to be free as a strong fighter. Maybe, by some coincedence, I encounter a portal which takes me away from this plane of reality and into another one, where intelligent beings other than humans exist. How am I supposed to fight if I don't have the proper strength and speed?
I would just go out and exercise, but i'm an eye magnet. Those eyes...I hate them. Millions of pairs of eyes staring at me, like i'm some sort of freak. I can't even go in the backyard, i'm still not safe from all of those eyes.
At the risk of self harm...
I have a facination with blood. I don't know why, but it has to do with it's purity, yet fithyness. It's pure, sinister darkness beckons. It can be so many things, and have endless meanings. It can mean life and death. It can be as significant as the entire universe, or something we take for granted. The fact that somewhere in my mind it decided it wants to see blood has been freaking me out. Also, it's pushing me to do it every time I make a social blunder of some sorts. I veer away from it, but it just fades in and out. It's creepy, yet I accept it, like if death was in the room or something. Flesh is so fragile. To break it is an easy task, but the fear of pain is something that is hard to shake off.
My mind has been wandering into some very dark places that i'd prefer if it didn't, but social life is like walking around with your organs exposed. Anyone, anything can kill you at any second, even the air if it isn't right, yet you are still alive. When I'm exposed to others, my defences weaken, and I find myself giving in more easilly.
Should I withdraw from society to avoid the huge pit i'm teetering on? Or should I try to be deemed a 'good girl' and make friends and eventually spiral down? Comments?
And I know that at least some person is going to think 'get help, for gods sake!', but I already am. I'm just good at keeping my mouth shut and my true self hidden, to avoid being attacked by a bad therapist who thinks that i'm too weird and puts me on a bunch of meds, or tries to refer me to a mental institution, or some other place where I don't belong...