This weekend we come together to commemorate one of the most important events in recorded history: the First Zombie Uprising of 33 CE.
The exact date is unclear, but we know it occured somtime in the third or fourth decades of the first century CE. A tumultuous weekend for which no two accounts are consistent, a fact that might be forgiven given the events that occurred.
The details are given in Matthew 27, verses 50 through 53
:
50Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
51And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;
52And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
53And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.
From this we can deduce the following chain of events:
Friday: Jesus dies
An Earthquake occurs that rends the earch and graveyards. Also tears a curtain, which must have een a pretty nice curtain to warrant a mention while all this crap is going on.
The dead rise and begin to claw at their damaged tombs.
Saturday: The zombies continue to scratch at their tomb walls.
Those that have already escaped leave a bloody trail has they shuffle their way to Jersusalem.
No one can repel or contain them because it's the Sabbath.
Sunday: The alpha zombie emerges.
The remaining trapped zombies escape.
No doubt hungry, the moaning horde descends upon Jerusalem.
Now, either zombie uprisings were common enough in that region of the world at that time that no one else bothered to record this little outbreak, or more likely the majority of witnesses were devoured. It is thanks only to the courage of the Roman centurions and their skill with a blade that the world was inherited by the living at all. And also to the Disciples. Jesus of Nazareth seemed to have had some experience with zombies already (which was probably how he got infected in the first place) and was training his disciples right up until his inevitable end, using various methods that even included role-play:
:
26And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and brake it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body.
Unfortunately there was a bit of a cock-up on the part of the authorities on the correct way of dealing with infected persons, since crucifiction is clearly ineffective and the other victims had not been properly quieted before burial. Evidently the disciples then turned to intoxicants to deal with the horror they had witnessed, because their accounts lose coherancy afterwards.
Remember the bravery of the Romans. And prepare for the unexpected. We'e seen just recently how much worse the situation becomes when two disatsters are compounded, such as in Japan: tsunami plus nuclear containment incident. Take a moment to consider the plight of the Israeli people and their Roman occupiers, facing an earthquake and class 2 zombie outbreak at the same time.
And the chocolate eggs represent biting into a human skull, I guess.
(Words from an Atheist)
