Huh

I don't think i've ever felt worse than I do right now. The 8 minute walk home from the train station took closer to half an hour. I felt like just throwing myself down on the pavement and giving up at least twice. I just lost the will to move my legs any more.

So I've been back at uni. It's really stressful and has been making me very anxious, but I'm back doing things and seeing people. It's been awesome actually having a reason to get up in the morning. I've been in bed by 10pm, then waking up at 6:30am to do flute practice before I go in some days. It's been tiring, but I feel like I can actually cope with it.

So I just had my first flute lessons. I think it was the worst lesson I ever had. Anyone who actually reads these knows that i had a pretty shaky start to last year playing wise, but this just feels 100x worse. Every lesson last year I left with some id ea of what to do, but now i don't even know where to start. my teacher was specifically telling me exactly what to do in that lesson, and i couldn't do it. she told me that i need to focus hard and make sure i'm doing everything perfectly, but that i also need to be relaxed and musical in everything i do. she told me that i only passed my wind orchestra audition by the skin of my teeth because i was so rigid and unmusical, and that the conductor actually didn't want me at all. she was telling me to do things, basic things, and i just couldn't. she would tell me that i was trying too hard. that i can't make it look like and effort. but it is

i don't know where this leaves me. i couldn't do it with her literally standing over my shoulder adjusting the position of my flute as i played. i couldn't even play one note right in a practice room after 15 minutes of trying.

i saw one of my friends on my way home. i don't even remember what we talked about. all i could do was say things about that lesson. i remember she was really uncomfortable. i think i might have been almost shouting at one point. i definitely almost cried.

i don't even know what i'm doing now. i should be playing, i should be trying to fix this fucking thing. somehow. but i don't know how.

so basically i feel lost and directionless and still hate everything else in my life and feel like i'm on the verge of completely breaking down and i don't know wwhat to do. i don't know why i've gone into so many weird details here. this might be a cry for help.

i just wish i could feel good about doing something. that i could not feel awkward and uncomfortable for most of the day.

the baest part is that i only ever write these blogs for the attention. i don't actually take any of your advice. i waste all of your time by posting this shit, and then ignore the people who are decent enough to respond. it's fantastic. i really want to delete all of this now. i really really do. but i'm posting it anyway.

bye