So

I went out to lunch with some friends today. It was lots of fun. This kind of this is getting more and more common for me. Everything is going well this year. I feel more accepted. I feel like I get along with people better than I ever have.

Now I need to figure out why I still seem to be feeling worse and worse about life.

Also, I think my music is falling apart. The flute feels wrong in my hands right now. In the last week I can no longer get any focus into my sound in the second register, something that I've been developing all year. I'm still doing stupid things that I've been getting wrong for three years. I had my first assessment in my performance subject on Monday and I'm going to get a crappy mark for it. My saxophone teacher might be right that the flute physically isn't a good fit for me. I've lost my compositional drive, too. Before I had the problem of too many ideas that I couldn't develop, now I have the problem that everything is awful. I did an arrangement for music the other day that I was really happy with, but I got 16/20 for it, short of what I usually achieve. It was the best thing I've done in ages and it was sub-par.

Last but not least, the last few nights I haven't been able to stand the dark. One time I actually had to turn a lamp on to fall asleep.

I feel anxious. I feel terrible. I feel cornered. I feel wrong. Worst of all, I only feel like this when I'm alone. I feel like there are two people, happy public Tom and sad hidden Tom. I don't know how much of anything in here is connected, but I hate it all.

I should start keeping track of how many times I've ended up coming here when I feel like this because I still have noone else to turn to.

e:

So,