Hans and Sven Do a Sequel!

Joe the Intern · #1 08-19-2002, 12:43 AM

Ha! I bet you thought this was the first chapter! And it's not! *giggles like a schoolgirl* The point of this topic is to tell you that there WILL be a Hans and Sven 2, and once I get it written, I'll post the first chapter here. In the meantime, stay tuned, and eat some cookies!

Al the Vykker · #2 08-20-2002, 09:45 PM

Applauds. Good Decision Morgan, that story deserves an even wackier and funny sequal. Hope to see it soon, check out my latest stories,

Failure To Comply and Campaign Tour.

Kesiah · #3 08-21-2002, 02:26 AM

Yum! I can't wait for the sequel!
How much longer?
*eats cookies*
Is there any milk?
*Sprays cookie crumbs over topic*
oops......
*sneaks away*
No one will notice......

mitsur · #4 08-21-2002, 01:18 PM

*cleans mess then hears the Wonderful news*No big deal.....Huh?It's coming back?YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!*goes cra-z with ecximent*

Joe the Intern · #5 08-21-2002, 10:47 PM

Alright, all you angry, rioting fans! Here's the first chapta! Now go bug Stephen King.

Chapter... ONE!

And so we find our duo right where we left off on... some other story. I don't really remember. I thought it sucked personally.

Hans and Sven were walking down the street.
"Why the hell did you throw the danish away?! We spent MONTHS looking for that damn thing!" said Hans.
"I told you five timeth already, Hans! It tasted like coconut! I HATE coconut!"
"Yeah, but to come all that way, even to another PLANET just to throw it away, BECAUSE IT TASTED LIKE COCONUT?!?"
"Look, I can't help what my tastebudth like or don't like! If all my tastebudth say 'Hey! I don't like coconut!' I gotsta listen to 'em, Hans!"
"I let you drag me around for months, pooface!" exclaimed Hans.
"Hey! I didn't drag you! I just pulled you by the wrist!" retorted Sven.
"But that's the same thing!"
"Nu-uh! If I had dragged you, you woulda been on the ground getting all dirty and icky!"
"Listen! You-"
"Hey Hans! What was that?"
"What was what?"
"It looked like a rat!"
"Don't be stupid. There are only ratz on Oddworld."
"Let's chase it!"
"Sven! Wait!" Sven started to chase the rat down the sidewalk. People darted aside as the duo ran down the street. Hans kept crashing into poles, while Sven was hot on the trail of the rat.
"Sven! Slow your fat ass down!"
"Hurry Hans! We're gonna lose it!" Sven grabbed Hans by the wrist and started pulling Hans behind him. Sven slung Hans this way and that as they turned corners.
"SVEN! Slow down! I can't keep up!"
"Come on, Hans! We have to catch it!"
Hans and Sven turned another corner. Sven could still see the rat twenty yards ahead of him. As they were turning, Sven lost his grip on Hans and Hans sailed into the street. The oncoming traffic tried to screech to a halt, but in doing so, at least five cars hit each other. One car kept coming and hit Hans with its side door. Hans hit his head on the pavement and stopped moving instantly. A car's engine exploded, sending firey pieces of metal hurling into the air. The shrapnel hit a few pedestrians. Sven didn't seem to notice any of this and continued chasing the rat.

Al the Vykker · #6 08-22-2002, 06:53 PM

Well I would have to say thats one of my favorite types of Sequals, one that takes place where the first one ended. Keep up the great work Morgan.

Kaimana · #7 08-24-2002, 03:52 AM

Nice Morgan...took me awhile to get here and sit down to read it but i did..its really cool i read the original too...great Job

Sal the Mudokon · #8 08-24-2002, 04:26 AM

Well, it's good to be back and start writing the MUCH ANTICIPATED (more sarcasm than a Sienfeld episode) sequel to Hans and Sven Do Stuff. Usually, I'd write something long and boring here, but **** that! Let's get right into the story, shall we!

* Beep... beep... beep * went the sound so close to Han's head. He opened his eyes. Well, at least his EYE anyway, the other one was covered by bandages. The light around him seemed to burn. He was in a medical facility. Hans turned horrified! Was he to befall the fate of all of his experiments? Of course not. Because unlike those cute defensless animals, Hans wasn't tied d- wait... yeah... yeah was.
"WEW, SHBID," said Hans from under his layers of bandages. He tried to extend his four arms as far as he could. He couldn't move them at all. He tried to move his head a little. It had SOME mobility, but other than that, he was screwed. He turned his head towards the table sitting next to him. It had all kinds of gruesome surgical tools. Ah... Hans had seen worse looking tools... AND IN ACTION!
"A healthy coat of rust and dust keeps the fuzzles from keeping up a fuss" said the voice in Han's head. It was a memory from his half-hour medical training on Vykkers Labs. Now THOSE were the days. And they would have continued if it weren't for that idiot friend of his letting those fuzzles into the R+D Room.
"DAB OU ZVEM! DAB OU!" shouted Hans as loudly as he could. Still, could hardly hear himself through the muffling bandages.
"Wew ane diz a bitchk," Hans thought. That's right. He had been entombed in his oversized bandaids so long that he THOUGHT with a muffled voice.
All of a sudden, the sound of a door opening started. Hans froze. A tall being walked into the room. He had a mask over his face and a full body blue robe on. He went over and grabbed the most gruesome tool on the table. Han's eye was shocked in terror. He shivered as the creature brought it closer and closer to him. And so Hans did what any mature Vykker would do in his situation. He passes out cold.

...

Hans opened his eyes... both of them.
"This is getting REALLY redundant," he said to himself, now unbandaged. The inclosure he was in was cold, small, and bright white. Hans was tired and yawned. While he yawned, he scratched his head.
"Ow!" said Hans. His claws was more jagged then usual. He looked at it.
"Oh SH*T!" he said in surprise. For when Hans looked at his arm, he saw but one of the worst things he had ever seen (Well, accept for that time he had to seperate thos mudokon conjoined twins into five pieces...well, actually that was kind of fun; but Sven on karioki night, now THAT was scary!). Han's arm was no longer there. But in its place was something that would later save both his and Sven's lives. A twig. That's exactly correct. Hans', being a species unfimiliar to the scientists had unfimiliar parts. The doctors looked desperately for his arm after the accident in the street, but only found what they THOUGHT was this things arm. In fact, it was only a twig broken from a nearby tree during a rainstorm.
Hans yanked at it. It didn't come off. He yanked again, this time with more anger. Still, it sustained its position on his elbow.
"WHY ODD WHY?!" he screamed. Someone walking down the hall outside the room he was in heard him. The door began to creak open.

Sal the Mudokon · #9 08-24-2002, 04:31 AM

I would just like to take this moment to mention that Hans and Sven Do a Sequel is not your STEREOTYPICAL sequel. In STEREOTYPIMICAL sequels, you have the same old characters, a few new ones, a new problem, probably the main characters splitting up, and new, yet all-to-familiar challenges for the characters to face. What seperates Hans and Sven Do a Sequel from these pieces of crap is that we are taking your old favorite characters and mixing in some new ones. We are also giving them some new problems, such as the main characters splitting up. And finally we hope to add some new challenges that are exciting, yet fimiliar to a reader of the original fan fic. Thank for reading this and letting me clear up this little mishap. Oh, and this is spam.

BYE!

Kaimana · #10 08-24-2002, 05:53 AM

Wow real nice Sal i like it so far...poor Hans with a twig for a hand...that sucks oh well...its good guys keep it up

Rex Tirano · #11 08-24-2002, 05:34 PM

I havn't read hans and sven before....*falls over laughing* thats so funny!

I think its sad he gets knocked over, but funny the car blows up. ^ .^ keep it up lol

oddling · #12 08-26-2002, 01:14 AM

"Look I can't help what my tathbuthds like and don't like! If all my tathbuthds are thatyin' 'Hey I don't like coconut!' then I gothsta to lithin' to 'em Hanths!" You guys are the two funniest people on the planet!!! Damn, Hans and Sven sure as hell kick the crap out of my fan fics! Keep up the good work guys!!! This is my favorite fan fic ever!

Oddling l:c l

Sal the Mudokon · #13 08-26-2002, 08:17 PM

Thanks guys for your replies! When we started the original, hardly anyone really knew about it so we would wait a couple of days... and get nothing. Our own personal drive to get known a bit more around here by making a good chapter was all that kept us going a couple of times. It's alot easier now, and I thank you guys. Now, if Morgan will get his ass over here, we can get this shindig rollin!

Joe the Intern · #14 08-27-2002, 12:31 AM

WEEEEHEEEE!! New chapter already! Enjoy your little butts off!

Chapta 70 minus 67

Hans stared at the door as it opened. A man in a large green suit with lots of weird stars walked in. Hans was terrified of what might happen.
"Ah, I see you are doing okay." said the man.
"..." Hans said.
"You must not be from Earth. It's understandable that you wouldn't talk in our tongue."
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU REPLACE MY ARM WITH A STICK?!?" shouted Hans.
The man recoiled from the shock of hearing Hans speak English.
"Umm... Uhhh... You were dying. You had been hit by a car. We tried to save your arm. We had the technology. We had the resources. But... we're kind of on a low budget, so we had to subsitute a stick and some ultra-strength Elmer's glue."
"I CAN'T LIVE WITH A STICK FOR AN ARM, YOU ASSHOLE! IT'S A STICK! LOOK AT IT!" Hans waved his stick in fury.
"I'm sorry, but it was the best we could do under the circumstances." replied the man.
"Where am I?! Let me outta here! I DEMAND to be let out!"
"You are in Area 51, the secret United States air base in Nevada. You cannot be released. You must stay here so our scientists can do tests on you."
"SCIENTISTS?!" Hans knew what that meant. He didn't want to be a fuzzle to these mammals! He had to escape! He poked the man in the eye with his stick and ran out the door. The corridors were long an winding, and he could hear people chasing him in the corridors far behind him. Hans wasn't built for this kind of sprinting. He was a fat, lazy bastard! Not a skinny lazy bastard! His breathing came in long gasps, and he had a sharp pain in his side. Hans looked at his stomach.
"Oh, so THAT'S why it hurts!" he told himself. He had been inadvertantly poking his side with his stick while he was running. Hans saw a door ahead. He ran to it, careful not to poke himself this time. He opened the door, and in front of him was a vast room... filled with armed guards.

oddling · #15 08-27-2002, 12:43 AM

Hans is on Earth?!!! *checks in Area 51* Damn! He is!! This is hilarious! Keep up the good work guys!

Oddling l:c l

Al the Vykker · #16 08-27-2002, 12:51 AM

I cant read anymore, its too damn funny! Keep up the Good Work Sal, and Morgan!

Kaimana · #17 08-27-2002, 04:38 AM

poor Hans...Great job guys keep it up

Kesiah · #18 08-28-2002, 03:27 AM

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
*laughs hystericly, chokes, dies, continues laughing*
Maybe the dedicated Oddworld fans should rescue Hans from the evil scientists! Or maybe I'll just order some Danishes while I continue reading........

Sal the Mudokon · #19 09-02-2002, 11:46 PM

WARNING: The following chapter in Hans and Sven Do a Sequel is EXTREMELY violent and hopefully very offensive. If you don't read it, you will miss out. -Sal the Mudokon

Chapter Something - "The Chapter Jokes are Getting Old"

"Go, and remember, Giovanni," said the large man in his firmly pressed white suit, "I'm not giving you a second chance."
"Yeah, sir," replied Giovanni as he stepped out of the huge run-down factory and into his stolen sports car. He backed out of the parking lot and shot towards the main road.
It was a dark, run down neighborhood with broken street lights and bum's/hookers/clowns around every corner. Obviously a dangerous place. Giovanni squeeled the tires against the road as he pulled a tight turn, only to find a large clown, baiting a hook mooning him. Like I said: Hookers/Bums/Clowns around every corner.
Soon the car sped over the dark, dirty street into the freeway and the lightless, seedy world where he was coming from was replaced with a thousand bright signs, hookers, tourists, hookers, family vacation spots, hookers, swank hotels, hookers, casinos, and even a hooker or two. No, he wasn't in Belgium. He was in Vegas(An suburb of Belgium)! Where there's all the acohol you could screw and the hookers never stop flowing.
In case I didn't previously mention, there were hookers here. Giovanni seemed to grasp this thought also as he passed by a large flock of hooker. One of them, he would be spending a bit more time with. He found the one he was looking for, a small sickly one that would be easy to catch, and descended upon his prey.
Giovanni jumped out of the moving vehicle and viciously tackled a scantly clad woman in a boa. He ripped her flesh from her bone with his bare teeth before noticing that she was, in fact, his own mother.
"What have I done!?" screamed Giovanni at the world.
"You just killed our best one!" shouted a more-than-half-naked woman standing nearby. She was WAY too hot to be a hooker. She must have been the leader of what is now referred to as a "Haggle"(large group of wild hooker). Ah, yes, her "Queen-o-Hos" name tag on her partially revealed nipple could not lie.
"I've been looking for you," said Giovanni.
"I know," she replied.
"Good," shot Giovanni.
"Good, because that's good," the hooker shot back.
"Well, it's so good that it IS!" shouted Giovanni, obviously setting himself up as her superior. The hooker looked stunned, but soon got over her astonishment.
"He's ready to see you..." she said in her low, hookery voice.
"No!" shouted Giovanni as he pulled out his hand gun and shot her twice in the chest, getting her shiny white name tag messy.
"Ugh... yeah," said a dark man, standing in a doorway of the alley of which they were residing, "He IS."
"I see..." said Giovanni, suspicious of everyone, "But do you find this GOOD?"
"Yeah... sure."
"You bet your ass you're sure!"
The man sighed and signalled Giovanni in.
Giovanni followed the tall, dark, ravishingly beautiful man into the doorway, not noticing that his car that he had lept out of had careened into a bus full of tourists and killed them all in a horrorific inferno. Those damn, sick, demented "families" finally got what was coming to 'em!
Giovanni followed the man who has already been too well described for his small part in this story into a roaring dance club. Futuristic techno-metal roared from the monstrous speakers as the thousands of extacy stricken teen/twenty-somethings danced to the melody of the violent lighting system.
"I know what you're thinking," said the dark man.
"Oh YEAH?!" shot Giovanni.. still suspicous of this dark man... if that really WAS his name!
"Yeah... Where'd we get the money for all of this..."
"NO! I don't care about THAT!"
"Then what DO you think about?"
Giovanni paused. "Ponies."
"Ponies?"
"PONIES!!!" screamed Giovanni as he pulled out his gun and shot the dark man two times in the chest. No one in the crowd noticed the bullets or the sounds. Giovanni, on the third hand, noticed a door which him and the man had been heading towards. "And so we learn where this pie-eating contest finds its contestants," said Giovanni to himself, giggling at his amazing sense of irony.
All of a sudden four bullets shot from the door and into Giovanni's chest. He fell to the ground, holding his wounds. Blood filled the floor, raising the sea level nine inches. Before his eyes were covered he looked up at the shadowy figure standing in the door. It was like nothing he had never seen before. The last thing he heard was a satanic voice screaming those fatal six words...
"BBBOOOOOOOOOYYYYAAAAAATTTTHHHHHH!!!!!!!

...

Now where'th my damn cookie?"

Silversnow · #20 09-03-2002, 04:26 PM

*doesn't mind to type "laughing" here*
That's great work! Funniest chapter so far! More, more, more!

Sal the Mudokon · #21 09-04-2002, 06:53 PM

Thanks for the post, Silversnow!

BTW, this story may seem to flow a little better than the last one because we've put more into the "Hey, what the f**k's the plot?!" section of the story than the "Hey, let's add some sh*t from the games to it" section. This means we already know what's going to happen so we can focus on the funny. Hope ya like it!

Oddsville · #22 09-05-2002, 07:01 PM

Great story Hans, its Hilarious!

Rex Tirano · #23 09-06-2002, 01:44 PM

hahahahahahhahhahahahhaha that is so funny lol! Wheres my dameth cookie! lol keep it up. *wipes away tear*

Sal the Mudokon · #24 09-07-2002, 12:16 AM

I love you guys, but there's this blonde-headed kid in southern Illinois who just WON'T write another chapter until I make him a sandwhich. Hopefully, he'll be back after I make the damn sandwhich.
More updates to follow.

Sal the Mudokon · #25 09-07-2002, 01:11 AM

Ah f**k!!! I ate the damn thing! Oh well... sorry guys. Maybe he'll see the err of his ways and write the next chapter without a sandwich... but probably not. If it makes any of you feel any better (and it sure made ME feel better), the sandwich was great!

sorry.

Joe the Intern · #26 09-07-2002, 02:35 AM

Wheeee! Here we go. (BTW, you ate my dammn sandwich! NOW DIE!!!)

Hans stood, facing the hundreds of guns. All the soldiers lowered their weapons, and one came forward to talk to Hans. He was tall, with brown hair and a slim build. He wore a large camouflage outfit.
“We’re very sorry, Mr. Knots. We thought you were an alien from another planet. It was all a big misunderstanding.” The man tilted his head back and let out a loud, raucous laugh. Hans was confused. "Yes Mrs. Knots, we have Don right here," said the General in the corner of the room on the phone. Holding his hand over the phone, he addressed his men. "Goddamnit men! This is the fourth time this week! Mrs. Knots is going to put those residual checks from the Andy Griffith show to use in the court room if you don't keep doing this!"
“Mr. Knots?” Hans asked.
“Yes. You are Mr. Don Knots, aren’t you?”
“Err.. uhh...” Hans tried to think of something to say. “Why, yes, yes I am.”
“Good. You are free to go. But if you talk, we’ll kill you...”
“ I- I won- won’t ever speak of this to anyone.” Hans stuttered.
“Good. Now we’ll fly you out of here.” With that, the man motioned for Hans to follow him to a large plane. It was large and gray, like most planes. Actually, like every other army plane there ever was, just with a different name. “Go ahead and get in.”
Hans tried to squirm in, but his third leg made it difficult. Once he made himself comfortable (I have no idea how) the plane was taxied out onto the runway. It sped up, and lifted off. It was speeding over the desert at mach... something. Hans didn’t care. He just wanted to find Sven and get back to Oddworld. Suddenly an alarm sounded... Something was wrong with the plane.
“Uh oh! There’s something wrong with the engine!” said the pilot.
“What?! What is it?” Hans asked the pilot.
“...It fell off.”
“WHAT?! It’s directly connected to the plane! How can it fall off?”
“Well, the back half of the plane kind of came un-bolted... Damn hardware stores.” The plane plummeted toward the desert sand.

Kaimana · #27 09-07-2002, 03:40 AM

I love this stuff. very funny. Keep up the great work

Kesiah · #28 09-07-2002, 11:34 PM

*giggles like a school girl* Wait, I am a school girl!!

"Damn hardware stores." heheheheheheh!!

Sal the Mudokon · #29 09-08-2002, 03:06 PM

Another overtly violent chapter by Sal the Mudokon. BTW, for future reference, my name is niether Sal, nor Hans. It's Matt if you guys want to go by first name, Sal the Mudokon if you want to go by Forums name, and Bloodrider Darkfist if you want to go by my REAL name.

"Giovanni?" said the hefty man in the white suit.
"Yes, sir," said the black, cross-eyed, one-legged crack whore, "They've gotten him... and we now believe that he might be dead."
"How would you know!?"
"Well, we found his body in the river last night, we noticed that he was either really tired or ... dead."
"Have you tried pouring little drops of water on his face?"
"Yes."
"...And the ice on the nipples? Did you try that?" asked the man, trying to find ways to wake up Giovanni.
"No sir, but we'll get right on it."
"Good... good..."
Several seconds passed before the crack whore came hobbling back into the man's office.
"Sir,"
"Yes, crack whore, what is it??"
"He's..." she paused, knowing the man's greef, "dead."
"Yeah, well, shit happens."
"Glad you're taking this well, sir."
"Me too," he said as he pulled his machine gun out from under his desk and shot her other leg off. "Haha! Now you're a NO-LEGGED, cross-eyed crack whore! Hahahahahaha..."
The black, no-legged, cross-eyed crack whore fell to the ground and pulled herself out of the room, leaving her leg behind her. The man in the white suit pushed the button to get to his secretary.
"Yes?" asked the secretary.
"I need you to get someone very important on the line..."
"And who might that be, sir?"
"The Cupcake..."
"The Cupcake?"
"The Cupcake, bitch! THE CUPCAKE!!!!"
...
And, ugh, get someone in here to clean this leg up."

Rex Tirano · #30 09-09-2002, 02:32 PM

:

Originally posted by Sal the Mudokon
"Yeah, well, shit happens."
"The Cupcake, bitch! THE CUPCAKE!!!!"
...
And, ugh, get someone in here to clean this leg up." [/B]

tisk tisk!!! Watch your language young man...well your older then me so its old man!!! hehe

Thats cool!! Great story! Can't wait till next chapter