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: Should I keep writing?
I give him my approval to allow him to keep writing. 5 71.43%
I feel it would be best if he discontinued his writing. 2 28.57%
: 7.

 
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  #1  
05-20-2008, 06:07 PM
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Oddworld внушающий ужас рассказ мысль пытать

-This story takes place in Russia. While the writing itself will be in the English language for ease of usage, please use your imaginations.-


Chapter 1- лагерь - "Camp"

Vladik Rabinovich sat on his bed. His bed had a mattress, sheets, and a blanket. And that was it. It is simply laid on the floor. The filthy, piss colored carpet. On the carpet laid many objects other than his bed, such as rat dropping, mysterious piles of trash, and what can only be described as human waste. Vladik didn't exactly live in the best of places. He lived in an isolated corner of Russia, a place where few go and fewer speak of. An accident occurred there that caused it to be dead to the world.
And poor Vladik, being an infant during the mishap, had no say whether his family would stay or not. His family fiercely decided they could fight off the nuclear fallout and mutated viruses floating in the air. They were strong. They didn't care about poor Vladik, nestled adjacent to the Rabinovich matriarch's bosom. Vladik had no care in the entire world. He had a bright future until that decision. Now he lived in the middle on what is best described as Hell on Earth.
So his parents died because of the pure horrors within the area, and Vladik had to grow up on his own. He had to remain strong. He had to forget that he is isolated from the world and that he knows nothing about the world except the fact that the year is 2037 and it always is cold where he lives. Other than that, he only knows how to fight the derelicts and scavengers the "camp" holds. So he slept in the fossils of buildings and had to be alert even as he rested as the fallout changed the people in so many ways. And the few that resisted the change now are as dedicated to survival and as disconnected to morality and Vladik is. So, Vladik woke up, saw the sun was only an hour from rising, and prepared to harvest supplies.
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  #2  
05-21-2008, 04:48 AM
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Never ask people if you should keep writing. Ask people how you can improve your writing if you want feedback so bad.

As for this piece, it's rather short and you could work on your writing style a bit. Read some books from good writers and see how they write and try to adapt that into your own stories.

Good luck.
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  #3  
05-22-2008, 12:11 PM
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I think the style of writing is not too bad.
And yes, don't ask people whether you should continue or not. If you like what you write, continue!
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  #4  
05-22-2008, 12:22 PM
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Ok, I have no idea why I wrote this. And it's so filthy. I'll clean it up later.
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  #5  
05-22-2008, 12:25 PM
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Just a question: Was this inspired by S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyal?

Either way yes I'd like to hear more and even if Havoc and Matriar are right I feel you should keep the poll there. Besides it is nice knowing that even somebody didn't comment they want you to keep writing. Now I have no words of advice because this is actually a good story despite it being a reasonably short chapter. I prefer short chapters to the long ones. Your style is gritty so don't change it. My bedroom beckons so I'll be looking back tommorow.
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  #6  
05-22-2008, 12:52 PM
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Short, but interesting. I've never seen any stories taking place in Russia here before, but then again I haven't been around very long, so I shouldn't be talking. ^^
Keep it up! You've got a great writing style.
EDIT: The thread title was smart too. Great eye catcher.
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  #7  
05-22-2008, 03:06 PM
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:
Just a question: Was this inspired by S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyal?
No, but it was inspired by the actual events in the Chernobyl Area. But again, I'm going to have to edit it so it isn't so brisk and rushed.
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  #8  
05-22-2008, 03:40 PM
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Sorry for double post, didn't want to edit the old post.



Chapter 2: "Toys"

Vladimik was sleep walking to his destination. His feet patted against the broken ground. Everything in the general area seemed dead, even the ground. Even the walls. Even the stucco that masked the nuclear protection facilities. Maybe it was the fact that the wallpaper all around was peeling like a sunburn, and the cement was broken in horrific, web-like cracks. His eyes shot invisible targets across the land, Vladimik so focused and determined nothing could've distracted him. Nothing, except the one thing that did.

Vladimik continue along his path, keeping his eyes peeled. While it was dangerous to walk in the dark before sunrise, it was even more dangerous to not be at his destination before nightfall. It was at this time that Vladimik formed a mental picture of himself in his head. Vlad was of medium height and had a toned, but not overly muscular body. Having no access to modern hygienic tools, he also had a thick beard. He managed to keep it close to his face though, so that his enemies could not grab it during a fight. Similarly, his dirty blond (figuratively and literally) hair was in a wavy mess, but short enough to evade the bloody, mutilated hands of the The Broken. He was wearing clothes that would cause a gag reflex in many modern people, with stain and stitches almost everywhere on his poor outfit. A dull, brown gray leather jacket and khakis. A backpack with similar colors, and a makeshift club made of stone and wood in a holster on his left side.

Vlad kept walking and walking, his trot becoming rhythmic and repetitive
as he continued his journey. Tap tap tap tap. One could dance to the noise. But another sound soon entered sharply. The most beautiful tune Vlad had ever listened to. He stopped cold in his track, and his head turned sharply to an abandoned, dull warehouse. He listened to the sound, smooth yet sharp, melancholic yet exciting. His feet wanted and need to tap to the beat. He felt compelled to whistle and shout with joy, but didn't need everything within a square mile alerted to his presence. Still, the violin didn't attract anything. Strange.

Last edited by Anonyman!; 05-22-2008 at 05:37 PM.. : Thanks, Moosh.
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  #9  
05-22-2008, 05:18 PM
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Nice chapter. I can't think of any creative things to say, so i'll just stick with what I said last time. Keep it up. ^^
One little typo though, where it says 'managed to keep it close to him face though', it should be 'managed to keep it close to his face though'.
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  #10  
05-22-2008, 06:12 PM
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Thanks. I'll keep writing in this style rather than the old one, which was little more than an intro. They will be getting longer as I get more into it, so yeah.

edit: Please, I appreciate the comments. If you like/dislike, have questions, concerns, help, advice, or anything; please say so. If you read the story, tell me what you think, if you like where I'm going with it and what ever else.

Last edited by Anonyman!; 05-22-2008 at 06:18 PM..
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  #11  
05-23-2008, 08:52 AM
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Hay this is quite innovative. I like your style Annoyman and the setting is very unique .

I give you my approval to continue writing, meaningful as it is .
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  #12  
05-23-2008, 07:07 PM
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Chapter 3:
Wooden Nirvana, filthy fingers, and pretty sculptures.



A few minutes later, Vlad was closer to the warehouse. He had his fingers wrapped around his AK-47, which had chipped paint and many dents. He had it in his backpack, which held more weapons and tools than food and other essentials. Such things came by easily, even if food meant a cooked bird that had to be shot out of a tree or water was old toilet water that looked reasonably pure. He wanted to enter the building, to find the source of the wonderful sound, but he couldn't. He knew better. He knew it was a trap. But the feeling. The need, the want was unbearable. Vlad walked closer to the door, and pulled the door slightly open. As soon as he did, the rust on the door scratched against the frame. The resulting noise caused the beautiful noise to stop abruptly. Vlad froze, as he heard some rustling above him, presumably in the warehouse's attic. Then, he realized the rust wasn't what cause the music to cease. It was a noise from behind him he overlooked that was growing louder.

Vlad spun around, trigger-finger itchy. He saw a silhouette of a wolf, or a large dog, against the rising sun. It's eyes had the unhealthy red glow of swollen eye veins that was characteristic of the radiated hounds. It's hair was mangy and caked with dirt, which ruined the possibly beautiful silver fur it once had in abundance. It was limping towards Vlad, drooling out saliva mixed with bloody phlegm. It's mouth didn't seem like it had been closed for a long time, possibly due to a broken jaw, or muscular failure. Whatever. That didn't matter. What mattered was that it was hungry and Vlad was basically a walking meal. What it did lack in agility, it had in determination and disease it could easily spread. Vlad rose his AK-47 up to his left shoulder, being a southpaw, and pointed it at the creature's skull. RATATATATATATATA!

A second later the hound fell to the ground, with bullet holes all over it's body. Vlad gave the corpse a strong kick to ensure that it was dead. It didn't move, shake, flinch, or twitch. Vlad sighed, and then heard a burst of laughter from above. He heard some mumbling, rustling, and then the music started again. Now, Vlad was unable to prevent his entrance. He opened the door, ignoring the obnoxious screeching, and walked inside. Immediately, he noticed a strong stench, but the inside of the warehouse was too dark to locate the source. But he knew that smell, it was the smell of a rotting corpse. But the smell was too strong. Obviously, rather than one corpse, the warehouse held many. He felt like turning away from this body pit, but the curiosity within him was strong. He looked and barely made out some stairs to his right. He walked in that direction, and almost stumbled over a soft squishy object. He had an idea what it was. He slowly stepped over it, but his boot landed on yet another. He took a breath, and waltzed across the piles and piles of various human bodies. Shells of what they used to be. His boots were covered with blood when he reached the stairs, he could smell it. He climbed over the railing, and walked upstairs. As he ascended, the noise got stronger and sharper. He kept walking, turned as the stairs did, climbed, turned again, and reached a step ladder to the much lighter attic. He holstered his gun and pulled out a 9mm he had in another pocket in his backpack. He climbed slowly, alert as ever, until he took a step up, but as his climbed, the music stopped. He heard foot steps get closer, and he froze in place. He was about to let go of the ladder so he could escape the unknown figure, but the person closed the trapdoor at the top of the ladder onto Vlad's head, causing him to tumble down off the ladder and onto the catwalk, unconscious.

He awoke, eyes aching from being used to the darkness his eyelids gave them. The apparent cause of his awakening was a spike in the music his captor was playing. This forced Vlad's head towards his direction, simultaneously noting he had been strapped to a hospital gurney and could not move. His neck was free, so he looked at the source of the music. The musician himself was fairly mundane. Dressed in clothes that were more for comfort than style so he could survive the wastes no doubt, with graying hair and a slightly aged face. His face was angular and sharp, slightly repulsive. He had a paper-thin mustache that was blacker than the hair on his head that sat underneath his pointy nose. He was unhealthily skinny, looking as if he suffered from malnutrition. However, he showed no signs of being infected by any of the diseases that were caused by the atomic waste spills and nuclear waste. But the object that caught Vlad's face was the true source of the music. He did not recognize the object, but you would know it as a violin. It was remarkably clean and well kept, especially compared to the rest of the town, or the rest of the Camp for that matter. It was shiny and made of wood. His eye twinkled at the shine of the cleanliness. The musician took note of the fact that Vlad was inspecting him. He smiled, his lips tearing slightly because they were horribly chapped. "Well, Hello there. You seem to be interested in the ear-colors I am forming." He spoke in a raspy voice. He was obviously a smoker, and his Russian was very impaired. He was an immigrant that got caught in one of the greatest disasters humanity has ever experienced. Obviously not a lucky person.
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  #13  
05-24-2008, 06:40 AM
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NO COMMENTS? THIS ANGERS ME


Whatever, I'll continue with a shorter chapter.

Chapter 4: Men made of mangled meat

Vlad laid on the table, wanting to crawl out. He felt trapped, which he was, but he didn't want to spend any more time with this man. His music or "ear-colors" was beautiful, but he need to get to the train station. It was his only way to escape the horrors of the Camp. He needed out. "Please, sir. What do you want?" As he spoke this, he realized the man didn't search his clothes very well. He could feel the presence of his combat knife in his pocket. "What do you want? I have nothing of value. No one does! You should be aware of this!" Vlad's hand reached towards his knife slowly, while trying to guess the time of day. It was either dusk or dawn of the next day. He was too late.

"Shut up. Cease your speaking! For this is the time of day, in which I crave!" He said this and he grabbed Vlad's hand that was reaching for the knife. "Trying to escape is about as wise as coming here, duckling." He smiled, his breath smelling of rotting flesh. He playfully walked to the other side of the room, where a closet was. He opened the door, and to Vlad's horror, a tied up body tumbled out. "Mmph! Mmm! Mmmhmmm!" It was wiggling around in the body bag it was tied in, as the musician picked up the body and placed it on another hospital gurney. He tied him up, then removed the body bag but only enough so the face was visible. That was plenty of the victim for Vlad to see. Vlad vomited over the side of the gurney, landing on the floor of the attic. The face wasn't a face anymore. It was a clean sheet of flesh, with only three small holes, two for the nose and one for the mouth, each only about a centimeter wide. The thing squirmed and squirmed, bodily fluids spilling out of his facial holes. The musician slapped him across the face. "Stop moving! Stop moving!" He said in a cheerful voice. He was obviously enjoying himself.

The waste could drive anyone insane, but Vlad had never seen anything like this before. The musician grabbed a rusty scalpel, opened more of the body bag, revealing the fact that the thing had no arms or legs, only stumps. The musician/surgeon held his scalpel tightly and with pride, and began slicing open the thing's chest. Slice slice slice slice. He tore open the skin, causing more groans and squeal's from the thing. He was whistling as he operated, oblivious to the world. Vlad suddenly shook back to reality, and again reached for his knife. He reached and reached. His hands went into his pocket, and his finger felt the cold handle. Success! he grabbed it and then moved it up so he could cut himself free. But he heard a noise so unsettling and nerve racking. The musician/surgeon was holding a rat. As he began to lower it into the thing's chest, he whistled and laughed and giggled. Vlad almost vomited again, but resisted the urge. He cut the straps one by one, until he felt something strange in his stomach. The surgeon finished his operation and was know glaring at Vlad with his cold, green eyes.
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  #14  
05-24-2008, 02:41 PM
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Creepy chapter. The musician kind of reminded me of that insane surgeon from the level Medical Foyer in Bioshock.
Awesome work, can't wait to hear more! 8D
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