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  #1  
01-31-2005, 04:58 PM
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Under-Foot
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Wired Tattoo's and Toe-Suckers [part 1] (Epic of Under-Foot)

***We see a not-so-old Mudokon starring out the window, while rocking in his chair. The screen focuses on him for about 10 seconds. Another Mudokon, who happens to be this not-so-old ones son, walks up to the screen.***



My father wasn’t always this quiet you know. Before "Dey" came, he used to tell me stories about great adventures. Stories about Mudokons of ancient old, Mudokons of renown. Ya my father was a great story teller, villagers would come over and stay all day just to hear him tell his stories. That was offcourse, like I said, before "Dey" came. Dey came in da middle of the night, creeping awound. Oh the creeping! You’re probably wondering who Dey are aren’t you? Well let me tell you a story first. Of all the tales and fables my father told me, there wasn’t one greater, one more exciting, more intriging then the story of well… my father.

Like all other stories my father’s had a beginning, but unlike other beginnings, the start of my father’s story, was the end of another. It all started on an odd day in the middle of spring. The Mudokon young ones were on their way to the Sharman’s spirit hut to get their first tattoo. In his village this event was very special to the young Mudokons, because this day, the young ones became, “not-so-young ones”. My father was one of the young ones who was to receive his first tattoo. The young ones don’t get to pick where the tattoo goes, so my fawser woke up early to get every part of his body dirty except for one particular spot, his chest. My fathers hero, da brave and mighty Shacar, had a totem falcon tattoo on his chest. Which makes me remember, I haven’t told you my father’s name yet, well there's a reason. I guess you could say its not the most flattering name. In his village the children kinda, I guess you could say, find their own name. Like for instance his older sister, Rockma, would chew on any rock she could see, you can imagine how much the medical bill was for kidney stones, youch! Anyways, like most infants my father liked to suck on toes, the problem was he only liked to suck on "Other" people’s toes. After stepping on him so many times my grandparents decided they should name him “Under-Foot”. Anyways back to the story.

If you remember me saying that the beginning of his story was the end of another, and if you thought that him becoming “not-so-young” was that end, then I would tell you that I wish it were so, sadly though it’s not. You see on that odd day in spring,…. “Dey” were planning a plan! And an evil plan it was. Dey lived not to far away from my fathers village, and if you asked me which road, or which wind should I follow to find dem, well I couldn’t really tell you. You see dey lived… Down. That’s right, dey lived under my fawser’s village. Dey kept a pretty low profile, and no one really knew dey were down there until “It” happened. A couple weeks before this odd day, Mudokons started turning up missing. They might have gone on a spirit walk around Nooker’s lake, or went to Bum’s pastures to catch fuzzles, but mysteriously they didn’t come back. Mudokons, being a curious bunch, are used to getting lost or not being on time, but the amount of Mudokons that had gone missing was well, strange… As my father was making his way to the shamans hut, he lived a couple blocks away, daydweaming about his tattoo he saw something that he’d never seen before. Something that no Mudokon, young or even not-so-young, should ever have to see. It had one eye, one horn, one purple…just kidding. The creature he saw, well it didn’t really look like a creature at all.

The Sharmen used to let the young ones play with what he called “mwachines”. My father had a real intrest in these mwachines. This creature though, in my fathers words looked more like one of the Sharmens mwachines then any creature he'd ever seen. My father stood their in terror when he saw the creature, as he said, “sink”. And like that it was gone. While my father wasn’t very brave, as no Mudokon really is, my father couldn’t resist his Mudokon curiousness. As my father walked over to where the creature had “sunk”, like any Mudokon would do, he started hearing clanks and bumps. He got to the spot and saw a strange circular metal thing over the spot where the creature sunk that read... “Vykker mining co.”


Last edited by Under-Foot; 02-01-2005 at 01:07 PM.. : [Edit] took away the kiddy language
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  #2  
01-31-2005, 05:08 PM
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Under-Foot
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This is my first oddworld short story, tell me what you think of it so far.

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  #3  
01-31-2005, 06:41 PM
Kimon
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Not bad, I liked how you worked yourself into the story. However the wittwe kids voice makes the stowy hawd to wead, in my opinion. God job though.
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  #4  
02-01-2005, 04:33 AM
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Under-Foot
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Ya I figured that might be overdoing it, it wasn't really a kids voice though, I tried to make it sound like the accent the sharmen had in munch's oddysee.

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  #5  
02-01-2005, 01:08 PM
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Under-Foot
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: Jan 2005
: Tennessee
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Got rid of the Kiddy language.

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  #6  
02-01-2005, 02:00 PM
Kimon
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:
I tried to make it sound like the accent the sharmen had in munch's oddysee.
Oh, was that what you were doing? That's a little better, but it was still hard to read. Thanks for making the changes.
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