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  #1  
12-02-2009, 02:29 PM
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Oddworld ~ The Mudokon Girl ~

Chapter One – How Max Came to the Pie Factory

I.

The little pie factory in the woods was so far from anywhere, except the small village there, that the inhabitants were quite out of touch with anything happening in the real world.

The manager of the factory, a Glukkon named Humbug, was what most Glukkons are not, and content with what he had. He had thirty Slig and twenty Mudokon workers, and they made enough pies for the village, in three unique flavours.

However, he thought perhaps they could use a few more Mudokons. Since they kept dying. He ordered a carton of Sam's Labour Eggs, to hatch and raise himself. They were much more obedient that way.

Out of the twelve eggs, just seven hatched, and only three survived their first year. Two of these were strong, healthy boys, who were quickly taught not to run around and yell, usually by the butts of Slig guns.

The other was a girl. Humbug and his Sligs didn't notice, but the older Mudokon workers certainly did. They didn't tell anyone, even the girl herself. They didn't even discuss it among themselves. But they knew. They knew also that the time would come when she would have to flee the factory, and travel to the Mudokon fortress that they vaguely knew existed somewhere over the desert.

She grew up. She was beaten, she cleaned things and she made pies, and she never knew she was a she. The Mudokons called her Max, and she called them Doofy (the old one), Crankers (the grumpy one) and Bonker (the crazy one), as well as a lot of other names she invented herself.
Nobody except the Mudokons ever even suspected she was a girl, even though she made the best pies.

“Tell me again, Doofy,” she said one day, “about the free places.”

“Well,” said Doofy, sitting up, “They're very wide. And there are no Sligs there. Everyone is happy.”

Max stared at him in awe.

“They grow plants, and eat things cooked over open fires, and vegetables. Not pies.”

Max looked down at the pie she was eating, and put it carefully aside, because she thought that Doofy didn't like pies.

“And they sing and they dance,” said Doofy, humming to himself. “And everyone is happy.”

“One day,” Max told him, “we'll escape from here and find the free places. And then we'll be happy too.”

Doofy looked at her. “Perhaps,” he said. “Perhaps.”

“We'll get all the pies,” Max went on, “and put them in a big heap. We'll tell the Sligs they can eat as many as they want, and they will eat them and eat them until they're full, and then they can't chase us.”

Doofy smiled at her. “Ah, but we'd have to cross the desert. It's hot, and there's lots of sand and things.”

“We'll only move in the night,” she told him. “We'll sneak across the desert and to the free places.”

“But first we'd have to go the the wild jungles. They're full of monstrous beasts that'd eat you up.”

“We'd only move in the daytime when they were asleep, and at night we'd make a big fire to scare them away.”

“Then we'd have to cross the huge fields at the top of the cliff, and by then the Sligs would be able to run again, and they would catch up with us.”

“Then we'd disguise ourselves as free Mudokons, and they would run right past.”

“And then we'd go to the free places,” said Doofy softly. “It would never work, Max. I'm sorry."

Max stuck out our lip as best a Mudokon can, but didn't say anything.
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  #2  
12-02-2009, 04:00 PM
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i sense a decent story developing.

i will be reading this.
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  #3  
12-02-2009, 04:34 PM
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Very... unique writing style. This could either be really effective or really dreadful

Kudos to you for taking a risk! I hope you manage the former!
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Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

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  #4  
12-02-2009, 04:49 PM
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enchilado
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I have the plot sorted out, but I wrote this fairly quickly; I'm hoping myself that the story will manage to work.
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  #5  
12-03-2009, 01:53 AM
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Possibly too soon for an update, but I wrote more and I want to get it out of my head. There's more, too, and I'm not happy with it. I'm fed up with writing. I want to make a stop-motion film instead.



II.

Max grew older. She day-dreamed often about the free places, which she imagined to be huge expanses of grass, filled with pointy grass houses and singing Mudokons. Scrabs and Paramites – of which she knew from the labels of the pies they sold – stood in the fields, howling tunefully. Everyone had a smile on their face.

She knew that one day she would go there. When she was older she would travel across the desert, and through the forest, and along the fields at the top of the cliff and she would arrive at the free places, and everyone would welcome her and they would sing together.

So she scrubbed the floor, and made pies (which were sold as a special chain, more expensive), and played with the two boy Mudokons, and she plotted and thought up all sorts of ways she might escape from Humbug's factory.

One day she spilled a huge load of pastry mix across the floor. A Slig, who saw her, yelled at her for it, and she cowered. He roared at her more than, spurred on by her terror.

He beat her.

When she returned to the sleeping quarters, her face cut and bleeding, Doofy grabbed her and hugged her, and asked her what the matter was.

“N-nothing,” she said. “Just a stupid Slig. But...” she wiped away a tear. “I think it may be time to get out of here.”

Doofy stared at her, and Crankers looked on; Bonker just hummed and looked at the ceiling.

“I think...” he said, “we should stay here a little longer.”
“I want to g-go!” Max said. “The Sligs are too mean and I just want to leave!”

“No,” said Doofy. “We're safe here-”

“Safe!?”

“Safer than we would be out in the wilds,” he said. “Believe me. Nobody – that is... one day, when you are older, we will leave, but for now...”

Max didn't understand, she just wanted to escape from the pie factory and go to the free places, where she could be carefree and grow vegetables.

“Fine,” she said.

Crankers shook his head and lay back on his bed, and Bonker grinned in a lop-sided way. “Good girl,” he told her.


She aged more. She grew taller, and her pies grew better, and she firmly believed there was something wrong with her.

For a start, the other boys had a sort of appendage with which they did pees. Max did not understand why she didn't have one. She kept it to herself, because she did not want Doofy to worry about her.

The older Mudokons also treated her as though she were special somehow (with the exception of Bonker), and she developed the opinion also that she was mentally disturbed – though not much, otherwise her pies would not be so nice, and she couldn't have thought up such good escape plans.


Every so often, once every few months, an inspection party would arrive. This consisted of a Glukkon, who inspected the pies, a Chronicler, who wrote everything down, and some Sligs, who went around and beat up Mudokons.

However, as soon as anyone heard that the Inspection was coming, they would alert all the others and all the Mudokons there would head back to their quarters as soon as possible.
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