Joke Thread v4

[enchilado]

Christ, guys. sheridan was being funnier than you are.

[Dixanadu]

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer.

[Ridg3]

After having sex with a rough *enter infamously known estate from where you live* girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your cock... especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.

I would have used Ballysally Estate but no-one would have got it properly.

[Nate]

A 17 year old girl from Collingwood (/infamously known estate) goes in to a Centrelink (/unemployment benefits/dole) office and sits down with an advisor. Amongst the process of filling in her application form, he asks her how many dependants she has.

"Well," she says, "I have five kids."
"Five kids?! I'm going to need their names for the form."
She thinks for a second, and says "Taylor, Taylah, Tayler, Taelor, and Teighlor."
The advisor is confused by this and asks "Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, and Taylor? How on earth do you communicate with them?"
"It's simple! I just go to the back door and call out 'Taylor, it's time for dinner' and they all come in for dinner. Then I say 'Taylor, get ready for bed' and they go up and get in to their PJs"
"But what if you only want one specific child?" asks the advisor.
"That's easy," she says, "I just use their surname."

[MeechMunchie]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ballysally Estate?
God couldn't find a virgin and three wise men.

[Nate]

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Hazz-JB]

Three elderly men are sitting on a park bench.

The first man says "I'm 60 years old. I get up every morning dying for a piss, but I can't go for hours."

The second man says "You think that's bad? Wait until you reach 70. I get up every morning needing a crap but it takes all damn day."

The third man says "Wait until you reach 80. I urinate every morning at 8:30 and have a crap every morning at 9:30."

"Well then, what's the problem?" Asks the first man.

"I get up at 10:30."

[Crashpunk]

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

[Dynamithix]

You know what's a good joke?

No, you don't.

[MeechMunchie]

What do you get at the end of a joke?

A punchline.

[MA]

i killed a man for looking at me funny. turns out he was cockeyed. now everywhere i go i see cockeyed people looking at me.

this isn't a joke i need help

[sheridanm962]

i killed a man for looking at me funny. turns out he was cockeyed. now everywhere i go i see cockeyed people looking at me.

this isn't a joke i need help

Maybe you have a cock in your eye.

[Dynamithix]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I GET IT "COCK" EYED

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[OANST]

A man asked Jesus why there's only one set of tracks in the sand. Jesus responded, "The sand people travel in single file to hide their numbers."

[Crashpunk]

Maybe you have a cock in your eye.

Ow... That was painful to read.

[Tired Glutton]

Cock eye must be cuntagious, GEDDIT?

Also here's a joke.

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher whipped out the note and opened it.
The note said “YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE"

[scrabface]

my grandfather died in Auschwitz.
He was drunk again and fell from the watch tower.

^such jokes are common here because of the collective coping with the past (everyone's grandfather was a nazi)

another one making fun of the übermensch-theory

Hitler visits Mordhausen and gathers all the jews around him.
"Listen up! whoever can beat Hans here in a race, will be released. Hans is a prime example of the Deutsche Rasse! So it's up to that tree and back again.
Jews, are you ready?"
"Yeah!"
"alright. Hans, are you ready?"
WRUM-WRUM!

[Nate]

I don't get the second one.

[scrabface]

well Hans is going on a motorcycle. the jews need to run.
normally I perform a motorcycle pantomime.

maybe it works better in german because "wettlauf" can be used for race or foot-race.

[Strike Witch]

Okay, those jokes were actually kind of funny.

[Dixanadu]

What do you call a bunch of Irish people lining up in a queue?

The unemployment line.

[STM]

As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'

-

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. Murphy falls in hole and hurts himself. He calls out, "Paddy, call me an ambulance".

Paddy starts jumping up and down clapping his hands yelling, "Murphy's an ambulance, Murphy's an ambulance".

-

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" Paddy shouts.

To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".

Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

[OANST]

What do you call someone who is crazy about waffles?

AN EGGOMANIAC!!!!!!

[MeechMunchie]

What do you call somebody who collects change?

A COINOISSEUR!!!!!!(!)

[sheridanm962]

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

[MA]

why does my vagina have it's own gravitational pull?

i'm asking woman to woman.

[Dixanadu]

Was that a joke or a serious question?

[MA]

my vagina is not a joke.

[sheridanm962]

Roses are boobs,
violets are boobs,
Boobs,
Boobs.

[Nate]

(Yes, this should probably go in BnP, but it's contextual with spiderman's post)