The Joke Thread

[E'l Scrabino]

That's a gud 'n! Eeyokyokyok...
Time for my good jokes .

Ok, I have 2 jokes that are old. But people might still find them funny .

3 guys come upon a cave. And inside the cave are 3 majic pools, that what ever you say before you jump in, that's what you'll land in.
So, the 1st guy says, "Vodka!" and jumps in.
The 2nd guy says, "Chocolate!" and jumps in.
The 3rd guy, takes a big run-up and slips just before he can jump into the pool and says, "OH S#!T!"...


Why couldn't the blonde make her bed?



Because she couldn't find a knife big enough for the bed-spread!

[Statikk HDM]

What is it when a guy talks dirty to someone?
Sexual harassment
What is it when a girl talks dirty to someone?
Only $1.99 for the first 3 minutes.

[Leto]

Aint that the ****ing truth. :P

[Statikk HDM]

Said by a member of the House today, Rahm Emanuel
"Mr. Speaker, yesterday the President said we must continue to be wise about how we spend the people's money.
Then why are we paying over $100,000 for a 'White House Director of Lessons Learned'?
Maybe I can save the taxpayers $100,000 by running through a few of the lessons this White House should have learned by now.
Lesson 1: When the Army Chief of Staff and the Secretary of State say you are going to war without enough troops, you're going to war without enough troops.
Lesson 2: When 8.8 billion dollars of reconstruction funding disappears from Iraq, and 2 billion dollars disappears from Katrina relief, it's time to demand a little accountability.
Lesson 3: When you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq more times than Danica Patrick at the Indy 500, it means you are going in circles.
Lesson 4: When the national weather service tells you a category 5 hurricane is heading for New Orleans, a category 5 hurricane is heading to New Orleans.
I would also ask the President why we're paying for two 'Ethics Advisors' and a 'Director of Fact Checking.' They must be the only people in Washington who get more vacation time than the President.
Maybe the White House could consolidate these positions into a Director of Irony."

[Lord Vulcher]

What did Ian Paisley say when he walked into a bar?
Where's McGuinness?

[Mojo]

Why didn't the skeleton dare to cross the road? It had no guts!

Why don't oysters give to charity? Cos they're shellfish!

[used:)]

HA-------HA-------HA.

[Mutual Friend]

We need more of that kind of gag. There ain't enough of them. Those are PROPER jokes.

[Statikk HDM]

As seen on the intrawebs:

Student: Hi, Miss Lafave. You gave me an "F" on my last exam. I'd like to improve my grades so I don't have to repeat sophomore year.
Teacher: Okay, but you have to promise to do what I tell you to. Agreed?
Student: Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you say.
Teacher: What's the plural of breast?
Student: Breasts.
Teacher: Do you like them?
Student: Plurals? Um, they're okay, I guess.
Teacher: I can see that you have much to learn. But you might find the lessons fun.

[Kimon]

Why couldn't the blonde make her bed?

Because she couldn't find a knife big enough for the bed-spread!

That's ****ing tragically offensive, you sick bastard. I can't believe you would even... Jesus. I'm up for a good laugh at the expense of others, but that's just horrible. Damn.



Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?


Because it didn't have any muscles, and there's no such thing as magic, and Santa isn't ****ing real.

[Rex Tirano]

It's probably already been said but it's to late to trawl through 6 pages in this thread.

What do you call a chav that lives in a box?

Unusually rich.

[Although apparantly 'Innit' is another answer.]

- Rexy

[Nate]

What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence.


note: I actually said that one yesterday to a blonde who had dyed her hair brown. She wasn't too happy.

[used:)]

There were two blondes at the gas station, one of them gets out of the car but locks herself in. She notices she cracked the window and is trying to fish out the keys with a stick. The other blonde inside the same car says, "Move it a little to the right."

Two blondes were sitting out on a deck at night. One of them asks, "Which do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?" the other blonde repllies, "Duh! Which one can you see?"

How do you keep a blonde busy? Tell her to go into the corner of a circular room.

How do you break a blonde's nose? Put a dildo under a glass table.

[Mojo]

A blonde walks past a meadow, and sees a shepard with his sheep. She says to the shepard: "If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?" "Sure" says the shepard. So the blonde thinks, and finally says "174". "That's correct!" And the blonde answers: "I'll take this one then"
"I'm sorry, but you can't take that", says the shepard. "But I thought I could take any sheep?", the blonde replied. "Yeah, you can, but that's my sheeps-dog!".


A blonde walks into an electonics store, and asks the salesman: "I wanna buy that tv", while pointing at the apparatus.

"I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he answers.

So the blonde goes off, and returns later, with her hair dyed.
"I'd like to buy that TV please", she says.
"I'm sorry, m'am" the salesman says, "We don't sell to blondes!"

So the blonde gets angry and goes away again. When she enters the store for the second time, she has shaven all her hair off.
"I'd like to buy that TV, please", she repeats.
"I have told you before, we don't sell to blondes.", is the answer.
The blonde is flabbergasted, and asks: "How did you know I was blonde? I dyed my hair, and even shaved it off!"

"Well," says the salesman, "I know that, because you're trying to buy a microwave!"

[Cullen Heath]

Awesome.
Edit: I'm surprised nobody has said a Michael Jackson joke.

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?

They both stick thier meat in eight year olds' buns.

[Statikk HDM]

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson an pimples?
Pimples won't come on your face until you're 14.

[used:)]

Why are Michael Jackson and Mickey mouse the same?

They both like little kids, both have high pitched voices, and both are black with a white face.