jokes -

***Alcar*** · #91 09-26-2002, 05:38 AM

:

Originally posted by General Drippik
LOL.

Dave: Maybe Alcar banned him for something to do.

Would you get off my case?

masterman was banned for a very good reason, maybe if you cared, you'd go and read the topics in Forum Suggestions & Feedback.

Alcar...

Joshy · #92 09-26-2002, 09:13 AM

Firstly there is a reason if any one gets banned. Alcar or the other mods wouldn't ban a person with no reason at all.

secondly i got a joke :P

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Mac the Janitor · #93 09-26-2002, 01:23 PM

:

Originally posted by General Drippik
LOL.

Dave: Maybe Alcar banned him for something to do.

You know, your many cheap accusations against Alcar are getting quite annoying.

Jacob · #94 09-26-2002, 04:02 PM

As amusing as they first was they are not becoming tedious...

General Drippik · #95 09-27-2002, 08:36 AM

:

Originally posted by Mac the Janitor
You know, your many cheap accusations against Alcar are getting quite annoying.

You are an idiot. You know that? You are such a bum sucking stick up the ass freak. I'll burn down your house and chuck a few petrol boms in, while you and you family are in it. Stop being an ass Mac, don't get involved with other peoples bickering and dicking.

Joshy · #96 09-27-2002, 09:43 AM

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion when ever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the rest is history...

***Alcar*** · #97 09-27-2002, 11:08 AM

Drippik - First Warning

happyguy936, I remember having heard that one before.

Alcar...

Joshy · #98 09-27-2002, 12:20 PM

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.
I won't rest until l squeeze all of your blood out.....
you ~
you ~
you ~
you ~
mosquito!!

Joshy · #99 09-30-2002, 09:34 AM

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Joshy · #**100** 10-03-2002, 08:46 AM

hope its not too rude...

Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

General Drippik · #**101** 10-07-2002, 04:05 AM

Funny!

Joshy · #**102** 10-08-2002, 07:54 AM

An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.
TOURIST: Hello.
JEWISH MAN: Hello.
TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.
JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.
TOURIST What's a Mohel?
JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.
TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in the window?!
JEWISH MAN: So what would you suggest I have in my window?

Mojo · #**103** 10-08-2002, 05:51 PM

A brunette, a blond an a redhead decide to kill themselves and they jump off a building. Who gets down first??

Not the blonde, she has to ask how to get there.

How do you see a blonde just used the computer??

There's cheese next to tha mouse, the monitor has whitener on it, and the joystick is on the chair.

Paramiteabe dies and goes to heaven. There he meets God. God takes him on a tour through heaven. At some point they come to a large wall with lots of clocks on it. Each clock has a name on it.

1 says Xavier, and on that clock it's 4 o'clock.
another 1 says AlphaScrab, and that 1 says 11 o'clock.

PA asks: What are those for, God?
God answers: Well, each time a person jerks off, his clock would gain another hour. As PA walks further, he sees all his friends clocks. Then he asks: But I don't see Jacobs?? wheres that 1?
God answers: Oh, his is kept in the kitchen. It's used as a fan

Jacob · #**104** 10-08-2002, 06:31 PM

Vile yet vaguely amusing...

Joshy · #**105** 10-09-2002, 09:47 AM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

ZombieX · #**106** 10-10-2002, 12:47 AM

You people have boned up humour.

Joshy · #**107** 10-10-2002, 08:07 AM

It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find it's way to her nipple... I was so excited! I never milked a cow before...

Jacob · #**108** 10-11-2002, 03:15 PM

Why did God give women the ability to catch Thrush?
So they knew what it was like living with an irritating c*nt before they married one...

Elton John goes to a tattooist and tells him he wants a car tattooed on his penis. The tattooist abit shocked asks him what car he would like on it. Elton John replies "A 4x4 please, its got alot of shit to get through."

What has a Kosovan refugee and Sperm got in common?
They both come in their thousands but only one of them works...

*Giggles*

Joshy · #**109** 10-13-2002, 04:34 AM

A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the "statue," "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Mojo · #**110** 10-13-2002, 01:31 PM

Similar like Jacobs:

George Michaël goes to a tattoo shop and the tattooist askes what he has to tatoo and where.
George answers: I'd like a car on my dick.
Tattooist: Ah how about a Ferrari??
George: Nah, I want a Hummer, I dont want to get my Ferrari all covered with shit

Joshy · #**111** 10-14-2002, 07:50 AM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

Joshy · #**112** 10-21-2002, 08:30 AM

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

OddPod · #**113** 10-23-2002, 09:11 AM

Q: Why doesn't Dracular like mosquitoes???
A:Too much competition

Joshy · #**114** 10-23-2002, 09:31 AM

Q: What were the first words Adam said to Eve? A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!"

OddPod · #**115** 10-29-2002, 12:50 AM

really funny

Joshy · #**116** 10-29-2002, 05:58 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

***Nate*** · #**117** 10-29-2002, 10:38 PM

Similar Joke:

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. All night the man and the ostrich buy rounds for the group but the cat just sits there, accepting but not sharing.

Eventually the barman's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man what's going on. The man replies "Well I was walking along the beach this morning when i found a beautiful lamp. I gave it a rub and out came a genie who offered me a wish."

"So what did you wish for?" asked the barman"

The man replied, "A tall bird with a tight pussy"

Joshy · #**118** 10-30-2002, 02:43 AM

A group of tourists sitting round a table in a Chinese restaurant in Melbourne and as the waitress passed the table she noticed that all the men were jerking off as hard as possible under the table.
She was outraged and shouted at the men " Excuse me, this is Australia, we do not condone such behaviour in this country you must stop immediately or leave!!"
One of the tourists replied "But we are very hungry"
She said "and you really think you will get better service with such behaviour???
He replied with amazement, "We are only doing what you asked on the menu - First come first served

alot of puns in this joke

OddPod · #**119** 11-01-2002, 03:38 AM

Very humurous

Joshy · #**120** 11-01-2002, 03:42 AM

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."