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  #91  
01-12-2002, 08:18 PM
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Danny
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Page 4. PAGE 4! You people make me sick... And after an [intended to be] exciting chapter like that, too... As punishment, I'm only giving you one short chapter. I have a couple of long ones written, but you don't get to see them until you reply to this one...

CHAPTER 58

“So they’re heading for the factory?”

Dran nodded. “ETA less than two days.”

Snikkit sat back down, brow furrowed. “We should have taken an inventory after the last attack…”

There was an awkward pause as all three of them attempted to think of a plan. Then the Director raised his head from his hands. “How many people could that Crawler hold?”

Snikkit thought for a second. “I think they’re designed to comfortably hold about eight or nine hundred troops…”

“But how many could it hold?”

“Well, if they were packed really tightly, there could be anything up to 2000 on it. Why?”

The Director smiled. “One of our sociologists once spent a year in a Mudokon tribe, studying them. At one point during his time there, they declared war on a rival tribe. Almost all of the able-bodied adults went into battle, leaving only a handful to care for the children. Only about a third of the tribe were left behind, most of which were children.” His thin smile widened. “The Mudoris Tribe, according to our reconnaissance, is about three thousand strong…”

Dran was the first to break out in a smile, and Snikkit wasn’t far behind…
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  #92  
01-13-2002, 05:05 AM
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Finally I read all this stuff, Dan. Actually I finished it a couple of days ago, but didn't have time to reply.

First, the complains: the story has many characters, that is not a bad thing, but not all of them are developed enough, so that you can recognize them instantly. One of them, for instance, is called Meet, and although he appears early in the first chapter, I only knew he was a gabbit in chapter 28! Maybe you knew all the time, but forgot to mention that . A suggestion: If you're going to use a character only once, maybe it wouldn't need a name, at all.

Now, the plot: It is a very good one. You kept the suspense since the begining, though I was lost some times because of the many parallel subplots, but nothing that a carefull re-read could solve. Another suggestion: it would be better not to change between side-plots all the time. Before going from one to another, you could develop one in depth, first.

The story created some strong images in my mind. The Great Forest, as I told you in another topic, is awesome, and guess what a big coincidence, when I first read about the kilometric trees and the huge fungus in the floor, I imagined a scene where a character, maybe a villian, would fall to death in one chapter, only to be back again after being saved by the huge fungus . I like your idea of a Mudokon King and how you gave him a very solid personality. The whole "void" God spirit is one of my favorite parts.

Overall, it is a great job. would you mind sending me the chapters you have so far? I'd realy like to read them!
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  #93  
01-13-2002, 08:25 PM
Monkey-Man2000
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Hey Rettick, can you tell me what the characters in the early chapters species are? I stopped reading this story because I did'nt know what the characters were.
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  #94  
01-14-2002, 09:23 PM
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Danny
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I think I'd better explain the reason why I have so many characters... The thing is, I think it's untidy to have nameless characters, even if they only have one line. I know I am wrong, but that is the way my mind works... Anyway, so I give my background character a name, but a few chapters later, I need another background character, so I think [for example] "Why not use Neb?"... But then these two scenes together will suggest something about the character, like Youthful Exuberance, or Toughness, so next chapter I might need another mudokon background character, but I can't use Neb, because he isn't like this, so I'll make up another...

And so on... Until my character list reaches 50 [which it now has]...

Anyway, I'll post ya another chapter... And from now on, someone please reply to them...?

CHAPTER 59

The flyer began to circle the village, seemingly looking for somewhere to land. On the ground, the masses of children of varying ages and their few guardians followed the flyer as best they could. Finally, the Flyer slowed, and began to descend in the Town Square. The villagers attempted to all pile into the square without getting too close…

The children waited with baited breath as their guardians aimed their bows at the hatch, which slowly slid forward, revealing a slig face peeping out tentatively.

Int cleared his throat. “Okay, now just come out with your hands up, okay?”

Crim’s reaction, however, was much less cautious, and was not what Int had expected. “Till!”

Tillyn’s eyes narrowed to focus on the small figure in the crowd, then let out a cry of joy. “Crim!” Leaping from the Flyer’s cockpit, she ran across the square, the hulking figure of Gormanul not far behind, and lifted Crim in her arms, hugging him joyfully.

Crim wasn’t quite expecting the embrace, but returned it relievedly. “We thought you were dead!”

Tillyn set Crim on the floor again. “We weren’t too sure about that ourselves…” She turned to Gormanul, who was his usual impassive self. “Say hello, Gorm…”

Gormanul nodded slightly. “Good to see you.”

Tillyn shook her head, and turned back to Crim. “So what are you doing here?”

“Oh, these people rescued us from the factory, and brought us back here.”

“ ‘Us’? Who else is here?”

Crim hesitated. “Jal, Sill, Meet, and Greeb have all been here. We, umm, we haven’t seen Rettick, and Groz is still in the factory, probably in trouble…”

The grin fell from Tillyn’s face. “Well, at least we know where most of us are… Where are they, anyway?”

“We’ve found out about the Logging, and the others have joined the warriors of this tribe in an attack on the factory and the logging operation. Where have you been?”

“We were caught by some of the Loggers and taken to the Labs, but we managed to escape.”

Crim’s eyebrows went up. “Labs?”

“Yeah, the – wait a minute, you mean you didn’t know about the Labs?” Tillyn looked concerned.

“What Labs?” Crim frowned. “We never heard about any Labs…”

“There’s a small Labship parked on the wasteland. We saw some pretty mean-looking weapons when we were there, they didn’t look too healthy…”

A voice from behind her spoke up. “The Warriors had better be warned…”

Int looked around the reunited friends to see the third occupant of the flyer climbing down the side. He thought he recognised the voice, and when the figure turned, he recognised the face, too. “Orim!” he called, running over to his friend.

“Int?” Orim ran to meet him, and threw his arms around him. “I thought I’d never see any of you guys again!”

“Arim thought you’d been killed by the Patrols!”

“Naah, just captured. They interrogated me a lot, though, they seemed to think I was some kind of defected scientist or something… Is Arim with the Warriors?”

Int laughed. “You bet! You couldn’t keep him away!”

Orim joined him in the laughter. “Always was a bit aggressive, my brother…”

“Ahem.”

The two turned to see Tillyn shaking her head. “This isn’t really a laughing matter. Those guys have no idea what they’re up against; I think we should warn them.”

Int looked at his feet. Orim looked back at Tillyn. “You mean take the flyer?”

“It’s the best way I can think of. Besides, don’t you want to let your brother know you’re alive?”

Orim nodded, soberly. “I suppose… Alright, well, we should really set off as soon as possible…”

Tillyn nodded, but Int looked back up at Orim in surprise.

“But you’ve only just got here!”

Orim put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “This is important. They might need us.” Putting his arms around Int, he began to back towards the flyer. “See you when we’ve won…” With that, he climbed up into the flyer without looking back.

Tillyn turned to Crim. “We wish you could come too, but-”

“I know, I know, I’d only slow you down…”

Tillyn paused, then laughed and hugged Crim again. “No, it’s not that, it’s just that the flyer won’t take the weight of four of us, sorry…” Putting his down again, she began to climb the hull of the flyer. “Like Orim said, see you when we’ve won.” Then she ducked her head down into the flyer’s interior, followed by Gormanul’s hulking form, whose only farewell was a cursory wave before he too disappeared. After a few seconds, the flyer’s hatch began to slide shut, and the flyer began to rise slowly into the sky again…
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  #95  
01-14-2002, 11:07 PM
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Just this? what about a big update with at least three chapters in a row?

It seems that the subplots are converging to a main event, the big war. I'll be here waiting for the bloody carnage
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  #96  
01-15-2002, 03:50 PM
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Well, that was a pretty long chapter [for me]... Besides, if I post much more, I'm going to have to start writing again... I tend to write a lot at once then none for ages, you see... And that was the last chapter of my latest writing spree... :S
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  #97  
01-18-2002, 12:50 AM
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Wow...... after 3 days of not much computer time ivee finaly been able to finish. really i love the story, its great. well i really hope to see more written very soon, geez ive just like been trying to sqeez in time here and there and everywhere to finish it, now i dont have much to wait and look fwd to..... really though i must admit there are quite a few main characters, but since ive been reading ive pretty much figured it all out........ i just cant help but thinking somehtins gonna happen like.............

they find a way to kill the evil god and the curse comes back completely destroying everything...

the native muds get involved in the big fight, kinda like the texas revolution where the great big bad guy force gets suprised b a smaller force but still gets the bad guys still get their butts whopped....yipee

the factory workers all join, due to the fact they are all ****ing enslaved now.... and then they get like 1000 guys whoop the drones have a base of opperations and get the whole whoopin army thing started.....

the groz's end up doin somethin, like getting together the forces of the factory and neutralizing the drone thingies.....

or somethin crazy just happens and mr dude in shrykull from goes and kills them all, lol. just keep up the good work, its great.... *drools* i hope mr Malice is very persuasive.....
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  #98  
01-18-2002, 03:06 PM
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Hmm, what can I say about another great story that just seems to appear and leave small tracks in your head, hmm....

Well, it's a good and living story with a interesting (and cool) plot. What more can I say? Oh yeah, it's... *reads it again* ...damn good.

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  #99  
01-21-2002, 01:51 AM
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c' mon retick, i really hope you get to some writing..... this is a really cool piece i would love to see finished..... ah the suspense.....
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