Joke Thread v4

[Phylum]

What's worse than that joke?
This joke

[Mudokon_Master]

What's worse than a question and an answer passed off as a bad joke?
Being diagnosed with a chronic, painful illness.

[Phylum]

The holocaust.

[MeechMunchie]

I don't get it.

[Phylum]

lol

[STM]

INTELLECTUAL HUMOUR!

Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?
A: I'm sick and tired of your interference.

Helium walks into a bar. "We don't serve noble gases in here" goes the bar keeper. Helium didn't react.

Some scientists want to cool my body down to -273.15 degrees Celsius. My wife thinks it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0k.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

WHOO!

[Dynamithix]

Some scientists want to cool my body down to -273.15 degrees Celsius. My wife thinks it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0k.

Hah!

[MeechMunchie]

Remember, if you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.

A biologist, a statistician, and a mathmetician are on a train to Glasgow. Having gone over the border, the biologist looks out of the window and sees a brown cow.

Biologist: Huh. Cows in Scotland are brown.
Statistician: You can't assume that! All this proves is that there is at least one cow in Scotland that is brown.
Mathmetician: You can't even assume that. All this proves is that there is at least one side of a cow in Scotland that is brown.

[Ridg3]

Luis Suarez was banned from going to Gary Speed's funeral in case he dived in the box.

Give me all your neg rep, folks.

[MeechMunchie]

I'm not really a 'cat person'.

That's because I was never bitten by a radioactive cat.

[Nepsotic]

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.




also, this



My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.


EDIT: This is a good one

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab
---------------------------------------

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[Phylum]

Have you heard the joke about the two Irishmen?

Now look how many there are!

[Ridg3]

So... Natasha Giggs is in Big Brother this year.

Makes a change from a big brother being in her.

[MeechMunchie]

This statement is self-referential.

[MeechMunchie]

I came here to kick ass and finish sentences.

---

As a mixed race man, I found it difficult to advance in my career.
Everyone said the same thing.

"If you want to be a professional athlete, you have to run one event at a time like everybody else."

---

I made both of those up, so far as I know.

[STM]

That must be why neither of them so much as made my face twitch.

[MA]

STM's penis.

[Nate]

STM's penis.

Oh, for a second I thought this was the 'I have just seen...' thread.

[Wings of Fire]

Oh, for a second I thought this was the 'I have just seen...' thread.

That'd go straight to the 'What Scares You' thread.

Hopefully it won't get lost and end up in the 'Weird Dreams' thread.

[Dynamithix]

Or even worse, the "What are you playing right now" thread.

[Mudokon_Master]

Naturally, also the 'What does your desktop look like' thread.

[STM]

Hurr hurr, you guys aren't queer enough yet. Go get more queer. ^^

[Crashpunk]

'I just ate'?

Ew. I made my self feel ill.

[MeechMunchie]

My memer-sense is tingling.

"What do you want to see in Abe HD?"

[Phylum]

I think we're about due a thread about a member's member. It's been a while.

[Nate]

Almost two years, I think.

[Phylum]

Was that do to with this thread by any chance?

Oh, and that's on topic because Leto's posts are a joke.

[Nate]

Actually, the EL thread predates that one you linked to by a few days, so my assumption is that Leto created those comics in response to his *ahem* fanart being deleted.

[moxco]

Deleted? Why wasn't the thread just closed, locked or necrumed?

[Phylum]

Because it's fanart by Leto. It was undoubtedly really offensive and Splat saw it fit to be outright removed.