its good to hear such positive feedback, cheers!
Issue: 16
RALL IS SENTENCED TO DEATH!
Do you remember the bright young slig named Rall who saved the life of his glukkon boss in one of our previous issues? Then a dark conspiracy arose about his possible megalomaniac tendencies when a suspicious murder was investigated by Vykkers at the guard tower, under orders of Moziknoff, the tower's manager.
Well we received an anonymous tip off that Rall, the accused, would be transferred to Magog Cartel HQ for a trial, after the Vykkers had proved Rall to be the murderer through forensics.
Our reporter arrived too late to catch Rall entering the courthouse, but he got these words from Rall as he left the courthouse an hour or so later and tried to get to the train station through the crowd of reporters;
REPORTER: "Rall, why did you kill that slig? Was it just for personal gain?"
"No comment."
REPORTER: "What do you have to say to Moziknoff?"
"Nothing."
REPORTER: "Rall, what sentence did you receive?"
"I gotta go back to Skillya, like you give a sh*t."
REPORTER: "Do you blame the Vykkers?"
"I dont care, get outta my way."
(Rall shoves our reporter into the crowd).
REPORTER: "But Rall! Do you think you deserve death?"
"I dont give a sh*t! Get out of my f*cking way, now!"
(Someone shouts 'dead slig walking').
"What?! Come here you b*stard!"
(Rall is restrained by courthouse guards as he attempts to punch our reporter).
Rall is currently at a safehouse in an unknown location awaiting his journey back to the horrific Skillya.
MAG: He deserves everything he gets.
-ADVERT-
24,000 Moolah!
A top quality rifle kept in a great condition designed to pick down those pesky little runaways in the distance, perfect for any slig that knows at least the basics of just holding a gun!
Phone: 1800-GUNS
-ADVERT FINISH-
M.O.M –
News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman
ISSUE9: BREW REACHES RECORD LOW!
Today Soulstorm Brew reached an all time low in sales and profits, Brewmaster Glukkon was appalled when he was filed a report that there were no longer enough mudokons due to one reason or another, to maintain that soft delicious taste, he also was told that he had actually lost 800,000 moolah! The Brewmaster gave a secret report to M.O.M so, we published it, sorry but news is news Glukkon, “I am appalled at how we have lost our profits, my sligs are supposed to be extra brutal because it makes the mudokon tears salty from crying hard but, this is just stupid, suckmableuh”! Well, now we know that mudokons are ill-treated in there factories confides, this will surely bite the industrialists in there butts!
-----
MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS!
1.) I once saw a scrab dancing on a corpse.
MAG: Err, i think thats normal.
-----
Great Big Glukkon Blunders
Hey, it’s Yolk again for another story of glukkons who really messed things up!
This story isn’t one I witnessed myself, but something that happened a few years ago; some people might have heard it – it’s a bit of a classic but that just means it doesn’t get old!
A glukkon had bought a stretch of land in some mountains and was about to finalise the deal, but since he was on the other side of the continent at the time, he sent some of his most trusted sligs to check out the area in his absence before signing the contract. A few days later he received a fone-call from the sligs, who told him that they had found a rich seem of copper in the mountain.
Copper might not seem the most valuable metal, but it’s very useful; it’s the second-best conductor of electricity (second to silver, which of course is more expensive) and it doesn’t wear out as quickly as steel and iron. At that time in particular, copper prices were through the roof.
The glukkon sent a message to the sligs to tell them to guard the mine until he got back. Unfortunately for him, it seems to fone operator listened in and told another glukkon about the rich land. When the first glukkon got home, he found some other guy had moved in on his land, and since he hadn’t signed any papers, he couldn’t legally have him removed!
Well, like any glukkon, he did the most obvious thing in the situation; he gathered an army of about 50 sligs and sent them in to chase off the thief. Unfortunately, he failed to hear from them for a week, so he sent another 100 sligs to find out what had happened to the first 50. These also failed to return so the glukkon sent some of his highest-ranking sligs in to find out what was going on. These also failed to return! In the end he found out that the rival who had stolen his land was also buying off his sligs, offering them rich pickings from the mines in the mountain in return for employment!
Enraged, the glukkon sent 200 sligs to chase off his rival and fight the unfaithful sligs.
Guess what; all 200 of the sligs took jobs with the rival glukkon in the mountain.
MAG: I couldnt stop laughing when Stevix showed us this!
-ADVERT-
ZOOEY TERRATOME ADVERTISING CORP
Hello fellow working class Sligs! Do you ever feel the need to give your Mudokon Underlings a hand with their work for some extra money, but don't want to help? The answer is here!
Zooey Terratome brand steel/industrial polish is the must have item for all Supervisor Sligs, made with the lightest of acid soaked steel wool, this highly effective and
completely safe Polish will have your work area looking like new in
no time!
Remove blood stains, oil stains, grease stains, blood stains, booze stains, wax stains, blood stains, bug repellent stains, slog mess stains and blood stains
in that order in mere
minutes! Call now.
0182 320 980
-ADVERT FINISH-
Words With Kroloff
YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions!
Anonymous: When is the best time to run away from something?
Kroloff: Well, sometimes its actually best to
not run away in some situations, like that brave slig in the last issue said about the rampaging scrab. With paramites, say, you should bloody leg it if there is a group of them, you should be able to outrun them and find higher ground. Even if they have webbing to climb they usually calm down once your out of reach.
With scrabs its the complete opposite. If there is a herd of them, remain still and hopefully they wont pick up your scent. If there is a couple of bull scrabs, enjoy the show! They rip each other apart and then one will dance victoriously on the other ones dead body, shreaking. Its quite a sight. They are usually that wound up by then that they wouldnt notice you even if you ran around their nest squawking. But dont try that.
With any other animal its best to just use common sense. Oh, I nearly forgot. See a fleech, run. Just run. Dont even try to kill it, just peg it. I've heard they taste horrible anyway, all the more reason to stay out of their way.
-----
RUBBISH JOKES!
1.) What animal is the equivalent of 'facepalm'?
A: A paramite!
By: Wren
2.) How do you stop a slog from barking?
A: Give it a bone!
By: Gonyre
MAG: That is just...no.
3.) How many fuzzles does in take to pain a house red?
A: Depends how hard you throw ‘em.
By: Braz
THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Braz, a little corker! Well done, 50 moolah will soon be joining the moths in your wallet.
-----
COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S
> Paramite-O-Rama! Like Scrab-O-Rama... but with Paramites! Come and see the mating season at it's peak while the tickets are still on the shelves! (Note: Legally different from Scrab-O-Rama in every possible way).
TEL: 0182 333 452
> Scrab Shooter previously owned by the notorious Rall is for sale. 2500 moolah or nearest offer. May interest murderer momento collectors.
TEL: 0182 532 110
> Broken Lip Stitcher wants to be scrapped. Buy it for 100 moolah and get all the elum skin stitching for free.
TEL: 0182 509 887 and ask for director Knollen.
SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff:
Writers: Stevix
Editor: Rozzle
Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED
Receptionist: Coth
Chief coffee maker: Roldy
Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson
Slig security: Font
Len
Disue
Vilt
Hond
Owner: Stevix
"No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix.
If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD!
Thanks for reading!
-----
credit goes to BlackVenom for the BIG rifle ad (the one with picture), to Scrabtrapman for the M.O.M. News info, to Splat for the Great Big Glukkon Blunders edition and joke No: 3, to Kastere for the Zooey Terratome Advertising Corp ad, and to AlexFili for the Words With Kroloff question and the Paramite-O-Rama! ad.
whoa! this is the most anyone has ever contributed to one issue! and i still have plenty left for future issues! thanks people.
