funny jokes -

Silversnow · #61 04-16-2005, 01:57 PM

A woman just steps out of the shower and her husband gets in. The doorbell rings. She answers it, wearing only a towel. Outside stands the neighbor.
"I'll give you 100 dollars if you drop the towel." he says.
The woman drops it without hesitating. The neighbor enjoys the view for a while, gives her 100 dollars and leaves. She puts the towel back on and goes back to the bathroom to dry her hair.
"Who was that?" her husband asks.
"Just the neighbor." she replies.
"Did he return the 100 dollars I lent him yesterday?"

Dino · #62 04-16-2005, 09:01 PM

A drummer walks into a shop and says to the man behind the counter "Hey man how's it going, I'd like to learn how to play guitar please"...

The man behind the counter raises an eyebrow and says "You're a bloody drummer aren't you?". To which the drummer responds "Yeah I am, how the hell did you know that?".

The man says "This is a fish and chip shop mate".

***Nate*** · #63 04-18-2005, 06:50 PM

:

On topic: Yes please do.

Off topic: Do the maths! This guy has posted 313 times in 18 days!

Yes and they've all been informative and constructive.

Now that's funny!

Kimon · #64 04-18-2005, 07:00 PM

:

A drummer walks into a shop and says to the man behind the counter "Hey man how's it going, I'd like to learn how to play guitar please"...

The man behind the counter raises an eyebrow and says "You're a bloody drummer aren't you?". To which the drummer responds "Yeah I am, how the hell did you know that?".

The man says "This is a fish and chip shop mate".

Damn you British humor! I will never get you!

Is this a drummers are stupid joke? If so it's funny (cuz I'm a drummer). If not I'll feel like an idiot. Hmmm... the smell of irony.

Okay here's a prank, not so much as a joke, but after 4 years I still find it funny:

Go up to a male (or questionable female) friend and ask them what the capital of Thailand is. If they know the answer, they'll say Bankok, and if they don't know the answer you'll tell them. Either way, you hit 'im in the crotch and spend the next hour laughing at him. It's good fun.

(It's a play on words, for those of you who don't get it.)

Godlesswanderer · #65 04-18-2005, 07:11 PM

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

***Nate*** · #66 04-18-2005, 07:11 PM

Confucus say "Fat man who walk sideways down airplain aisle is going to Bangkok"

Leto · #67 04-18-2005, 07:16 PM

Confucious say, "Man who drop water in toilet have shitty time!".

Well, that was as intelligent as it was funny...

Hobo · #68 04-19-2005, 07:15 AM

:

Damn you British humor! I will never get you!

Ti'sn't British humor. T'is drummers = morons humor.

Um. Yeah.

Abe16 · #69 04-19-2005, 07:34 AM

Here's one, there's these three guys named, Poop, be quiet and trouble. They're in a car and bequiet jumps out the window. So does trouble. SOon a cop sees Be quiet and says, "what's your name?" Says the cop, "Be quiet," Be quiet says, "No, what's your real name?" The cop says, "Be quiet!" Be queit says, "You lookin for trouble?" the cop says, "No, Trouble's over there lookig for POOP!" Be quiet says. lol.

Kimon · #70 04-19-2005, 05:27 PM

:

Ti'sn't British humor. T'is drummers = morons humor.

Um. Yeah.

I was referring to the fish n' chips bit. I think they have lots o' those in Britain.

Godlesswanderer · #71 04-19-2005, 06:23 PM

Oh yeah, you never find fish anywhere else. And chips! Now they're almost non-existent!

Kimon · #72 04-20-2005, 03:39 PM

Shut up.

You know what I mean.

Dino · #73 04-22-2005, 06:18 PM

I haven't had fish and chips in ages...

Damnit, it's like 3am here and now you guys have made me go and want fish and chips!

Godlesswanderer · #74 04-22-2005, 06:32 PM

Go on a walk about, some fish and chip shops stay open for ages. At least they do around my area.

Coolmanbizkit · #75 04-23-2005, 05:23 AM

All of them do... I think

stingbee · #76 04-26-2005, 07:07 AM

why did the toilet paper roll down the hill

to get to the bottom

Godlesswanderer · #77 04-26-2005, 07:42 AM

:

why did the toilet paper roll down the hill

to get to the bottom

Why, oh why do you post these?

Anyway,

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

sligger · #78 04-26-2005, 09:35 AM

i think this joke is weird but here it is

Q: whats dumber that three brunets trying to build a house underwater?
A: three blondes trying to burn it!

stingbee · #79 04-27-2005, 07:00 AM

:

Why, oh why do you post these?

because it's on topic
here's one a woman is doing a the most weiredest place youve had sex suvay in the nearest town she asks a bloke and he says in a phone box she asks a woman and she says in her car

she then asks another woman and she says up the bum

Godlesswanderer · #80 04-27-2005, 09:44 AM

I didn't mean that. I meant, your jomes are the kind of joke a little kid would say. Maybe a 7-10 year old. Anyway,

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”

Gasping she shook her head “No”.

He asked “Kin ya breathe?”

Still gasping she again shook her head “No”.

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver always works!”

stingbee · #81 04-27-2005, 09:54 AM

hahaha

I will tell that to my friends in school tomorow

here's one

theres 3 mothers looking under there teenage daughters beds

the one finds a pack of fags and says I didn't know my daughter smoked

the other one finds a bottle of vodka and says I never knew my daughter drank

the other one finds a condom and says wow I never knew my daughter had a penis

***Nate*** · #82 04-27-2005, 03:37 PM

:

because it's on topic

Seeing as this is the "Funny Jokes" thread, being on topic would imply that you have to actually be funny.

But I thought I'd go with something timely, even if it is a little exclusive, with today's joke:

Q: What's the name of the new Kosher-LePesach laxative?
A: Let my people go!

I don't know what it is about me and fecal-jokes but I do seem to have a few.

Leto · #83 04-30-2005, 05:06 PM

Fecal and all other secretion jokes are amusing! Do tell more of your fecal matter jokes.

:

Maybe a 7-10 year old.

Mabye that's becuase he is...

:

I will tell that to my friends in school tomorow

Kimon · #84 04-30-2005, 05:28 PM

:

theres 3 mothers looking under there teenage daughters beds

the one finds a pack of fags and says I didn't know my daughter smoked

the other one finds a bottle of vodka and says I never knew my daughter drank

the other one finds a condom and says wow I never knew my daughter had a penis

I actually found this one funny. Yes, you may all beat me with sticks and hammers, but I laughed at stingbee's joke.

ANYWAY, I don't have a joke right now, but you can laugh at me regardless.

stingbee · #85 04-30-2005, 11:51 PM

hey thanks a compliment for once.

Rich · #86 05-01-2005, 01:06 AM

:

I actually found this one funny. Yes, you may all beat me with sticks and hammers, but I laughed at stingbee's joke.

OMG. You deserve to die.

No seriously, leave the forums for good already.

andy86 · #87 05-01-2005, 04:53 AM

In a busy port a pirate swaggers into a bar. As he walks up to the bar the bartender does a double-take and realises that, for some reason, the pirate appears to have an entire ships wheel shoved down the front of his britches. Curiosity gets the better of him and as he fills a mug for the pirate he asks, "Excuse me sir, but... I can't help noticing you seem to have a ships wheel down your pants."
The pirate explains: "'Tis so, yarrr.... It's drivin me nuts!"

New rule: One person to diss Stingbee per topic max, if you don't like his grammar or sense of humour then feel superior quietly.
"Who died and made you boss?" "Mr. Estes, the publications advisor."

stingbee · #88 05-02-2005, 09:08 AM

ooc:wait a minute you can't make a new rule you'r not a mod.

Rich · #89 05-02-2005, 10:08 AM

Lol. He's trying to help you, plus he was only joking about the rule, possibly using it as a means of telling everyone to go easy on you. Which won't be happening anytime soon.

Dipstikk · #90 05-02-2005, 01:36 PM

My jokes only make sense in my mind. They're usually situational jokes anyway, taking a lot of explaining until someone gets them and understands why I'm at my desk, laughing my ass off when there's nothing remotely funny going on in class at the moment.

It's like a cranival in my mind. And sometimes...a HAUNTED carnival.