The Marching Mudokons

[Kesiah]

I so don't want to be those Sligs right now.
I love this story though, it's very interesting, and it covers some view points I hadn't considered.
Keep up the good writing!

[oddling]

This story is great!!! *grovels at Khanz's feet* right more please please!!! *looks around and sees Sligs that are about to be blown up* *gasp* Uncle Freddy!!!! Look out!!!

Oddling l:c l

[TheKhanzumer]

Part Three:

Rivers motioned for the rest of the gang to come towards him. He pointed toward the obvious trail carelessly torn through the jungle. Chuk began walking along the cleared path and the rest followed single-file. They followed it through the dense brush. Suddenly the sligs appeared in their view after they made it paste a turn in the path. There were six worker class sligs carrying batons and two large big brother class sligs, each with a blitzpacker. They were talking in their mechanical voices, laughing about some sick joke. Two of them were smoking cigarettes. The big bros each carried a large box. The words “Ghost Lock” were stenciled on the sides.

Chuk looked at his companions and nodded. Now was the time to attack while the sligs were not on guard. He gave the signal.

“Hellllp!” screamed the first slig as Jin delivered a crushing blow to its head. The others turned in alarm.

“Get ‘em,” commanded the big bros in their deep voices.

The other five bouncers ran towards the mudokons. Miles, Rivers and Jin swung to counter their blows. Wes and Chuk leaped for the big bros.

The two sligs began to let loose a volley of fire towards the mudokons, not caring to aim in the confusion. Wes yelled as a can of SoulStorm Blitz left a large black bruise on his arm. Chuk used his two tomahawks to bat away most of the fire. Brew spewed from the crushed cans.

The bouncers cursed as their feeble assaults were blocked by the trained mudokon warriors. Miles crushed a slig’s ribs with a sinister blow as Jin knocked off his second victim’s mechanical leg. The slig screamed and fell to the ground. It tried to crawl away into the tall grass but Rivers crushed it’s skull with the butt of his tomahawk. Black blood and brain material oozed onto the ground.

Wes swung at the nearest big bro with his good arm as the slig paused to reload. His tomahawk connected with the sligs arm with a sickening “crack”. The big bro dropped its gun and growled. Blood rushed from the fractured arm and splattered on the mudokons face. The slig punched Wes and sent him flying into Miles and his opponent, sending all three sprawling onto the ground.

Chuk cried, “For the Chosen!” and brought his tomahawk down on the big bros head. It exploded in a cloud of dark red blood, white bone shards and green face-fingers. The decapitated slig’s body slumped over and fell out of it’s now broken pants.

The remaining big bro cussed and began to shot wildly, hitting the both the mudokons and the two remaining bouncers. Chuk dropped his tomahawks and grabbed the metal pants of a bouncer killed by Jin. He swung and knocked the gun out of the big bros hand. Wes sprung forward and picked it up, killing the slig with the remaining ammo.

The others sligs ran in fright through the forest, but they didn’t know the terrain. The tomahawkers caught up and showed no mercy to the pitiful creatures.

[Oddsville]

Hmmm, poor ol Sligs Oh, well this story is very exciting I cant wait to read more!

[TheKhanzumer]

I know it is a little to soon to wrap up this chapter, but hey, I don't know about you but I want to get on with the story! So who are we writting about next? Well what do you know, Nathaniel is the only one left.


Part Four:

Chuk and the others arrived at the mudokon village later that night. It was never completely dark out since Oddworld had so many moons and stars to replace the sun when it was gone. But the night was still menacing. Night was when the really horrible creatures came out to play.

They had encountered five other groups of sligs on their hunt. None had been left alive. The massive tomahawker chief had made sure that all of the ghost locks had been smashed to pieces. They had saved sligs other equipment. Food and beverage, weapons and grenades; it could all be used.

Rivers and Miles waved goodbye and walked towards their huts on one side of the village. Jin was next to go, crouching and entering his hut when they arrived at it. Wes and Chuk continue walking. They wouldn’t sleep while the possibility of attack remained. The walked to the far side of the village, turned and faced each other, then walked separate ways. They would meet back on the other side of the huts.

[TheKhanzumer]

Here is the seventh chapter of The Marching Mudokons. This will probably be a shorty because I'm anxious to get on with the story. Seven chapters seems way to long to introduce characters. I wonder how long it'll take all of them to meet? And then after they meet go on an adventure? This is going to take a lot of writting. I shiver at the thought.

Btw, could anyone (everyone?) please give me a thoughtful PM answering these questions? Thanks.

1) What do you like about my writting?
2) What don't you like about my writting?
3) Who is your favorite character and why?
4) What would you like to happen to this character?
5) Do you have any other suggestions, ideas or requests?


Part One:

Nathan hovered about two feet above the ground. He sat cross legged in the blue walled cavern and let his mind wander. Quite literally.

The essence of his soul flew across oddworld, at a speed no living creature could match. One second he was in the Spooceshrub Forest, the next he was wandering the vaults of Necrum. Now he was flying over the trees of Paramonia and circling the ruins of RuptureFarms . To the wandering eye his spirit would look like no more than a ball of light, vanishing before the viewer could get a good look. But the spirit Nathan could see whatever it passed. And it recognized something crawling out of the wreckage.

His eyes snapped open and his spirit rushed back towards his body, as fast as it could. It couldn’t have been him! It was impossible. Molluck had been killed when Abe destroyed RuptureFarms 1029. If he had somehow survived that would certainly mean trouble.

Nathan shook it out of his mind. He had more pressing issues to worry about.

[PinkHaired Mudokon CWR]

Originally posted by oddling
*Said in stupid voice* Dude, that is like, so cool man! Like wright another dude! Cause that is like, so awsome! Really it is! It really makes you feel what it's like to be in the Scrabanian temple, very interesting. Keep up the good work, this is one opf the best stories I've ever read!

Oddling l:c l

LOL!!!!!! Those beach airhead California Calibunga dudes huh?

Yeah, keep up the good work khanz!

[kleeng]

Your doing great, some chapters are in triguing others are filled with exitement. Just the way I like it.
The charakters are original and well described.
The way you introduced molluck into the story, wow!

Will we hear more of him, maibe maibe not, Id like to find out in your next chapters.

Keep it up!

[TheKhanzumer]

Since we aren't really sure what happened to Molluck I won't touch his character anymore. i just thought that would be interesting to write about. I plan on have other "guest stars" but none of the official characters will be featured prominently. It's just to hard on continuety.

[Oddsville]

Great Khanz, wow this story is really going well. Im gonna fill out your questionair in a bit just gotta work on some stuff for a bit.

[TheKhanzumer]

Here is the end of chapter seven. FINALLY! I can finally get to the actual story! Yipee! Joy! Rapture! Btw, I know I sort of rushed parts of the introduction chapters. But I promise that when I finish the novel (and yes, from the looks of it this is becoming a novel length story) I will edit and revise the existing text to make them better. When I do I will be sure to tell you.

P.S. I've yet to recieve anybodies answers to my questions. Please do, it would be greatly appreciated. I am also still looking for someone who is interested in doing illustrations for my story. PM for both things.


Part Two:

The mudokon native exited the cavern. Nathan knew what he had to do. His tribe had always been peaceful and he had been brought up to believe that violence could not solve problems. But look at what it had brought the mudokons? Half of the tribe was now in slavery, the rest to feeble to defend themselves from constant raids. Their ability to press on was quite an impressive trait, but it wasn’t enough for Nathan.

He wanted to help Abe. The tribe shaman had tried to keep news of rebellion from entering the ruined village, but they found out eventually. Everyone thought that Abe was crazy and that all who followed him were doomed. They were firmly rooted in their peaceful ways.

But Nathan had wriggled his roots out of the soil. Although physically lacking, he had other abilities he could put to use. He could teleport without the aid of a pre-existing portal. A rare thing. He could also remove his soul from his body and scout ahead for danger. He had many spiritual talents that could be put to use.

He walked across the grass and stood next to a plump spooceshrub. He closed his eyes and let the collection of spooce enter his body. He would help Abe. His people would someday reclaim their dignity from the greedy tyrants who had stolen it from them.

Nathan scanned the horizon. He had visited the Mosaic Sanctuary on many occasions, though never in the flesh. He would walk there. He didn’t know what would happen next. But he had faith that he could aid Abe somehow.

[TheKhanzumer]

I know it has been a long time since the last update but I assure everyone that the next chapter is sure to come... someday. Just be patient and I will eventually get around to writing it.

Thanks to everyone who bothered to give me feedback. I'll work hard to improve my writting and keep this story interesting.

[Kaimana]

Its a really good story Khanz i hope you keep it up

[TheKhanzumer]

Here it is finally! The next installment of The Marching Mudokons. I don't have much practice writting dialogue so if it is kind of akward bear with me until I figure it out.


Part One:

Zero slowly turned and took in his surroundings. The entire forest sanctuary was eerie greens, browns and tans. Nowhere could he make out the slightest hint of metal. Suddenly he felt very insecure. This was a completely new world for him.

But the grass under his feet was much more pleasant than the dirty floors of the Scrab Kennels. And the sound of birds was much more appealing to the ears than the constant gunfire he was used to hearing from the Free Fire Zone. Slowly the menace of something completely new as Zero’s heart was reawakened in its true home. The wilderness. But that wouldn’t help Zero find his way back to work. He must not get caught up in the beauty of the forest. It was still a place full of dangerous animals. He was not safe until he returned to the Kennels.

He wasn’t sure whether his bosses would be happy at his return or angry that he had escaped in the first place, but it didn’t matter. He knew what was right and he had to do it. No matter how good his intentions, Abe is still a terrorist rebelling against authority.

Zero looked around for some clue as to how to get home. The birds chirped and foraged for worms on the ground. If a portal was nearby they would be acting strangely. The one he had used to get here must have been temporary then. Perhaps he could guide himself back by the stars…

“Hello mate, whot’s up?”

Zero turned to look at the owner of the strange voice. It was a native mudokon! His skin was a bit greener than usual and overall he looked healthier than any mudokons Zero had ever met. His friendly smile showed that he might be able to help. But he was carrying a spear. His excitement of finding aid was soon quelched by fear that the native might not be friendly. It was raised in the wild after all.

“Whot’s the matter mate? Dontcha know how ta talk?” the mudokon paused then said, “Well here how ya do it, I say ‘Hello, how ya doin’ and you say ‘mighty fine’ or something like that.”

Zero glanced at the curious mudokon, the wild ones where even stranger than he thought, even if not as hostile. But then again it probably felt the same way about him…

“My name is Zero, can you tell me how to get back to RuptureFarms?”

The wild mudokon looked at him questioningly and said sarcastically, “Sorry mate, if ya forgot a spare loin clothe it’s to late now. But don’t worry I could lend ya a spare. Paramite skin is much more comfortable than that synthersized stuff the glukks give ya.”

“I’ve got to get back to work. I don’t want my bosses to get any madder at me than they already probably are. I hope I haven’t caused them to much stress already.”

The wild mudokon looked at him for a couple seconds before bursting out with laughter.

“Ya aint got ta worry about your bosses mate. Your free now. Ya can be your own mud.”

Zero glanced at his black and white stripped working loin clothe. Free? But what about his work? He had belonged to RuptureFarms. He couldn’t just leave…

“Ya sure are a curious one mate. The rest of the chaps I met were so glad they were wettin’ themselves. A darn shameful waste of clothing in my opinion. Well… anyways. Follow me an’ I’ll take ya to the Monsaic Sanctuary. You can meet the rest of tha guys.”

Zero reluctantly followed his new companion. Was this life really so much better than a scrub’s? He had no choice but to stay here. If he went back he would probably just be shot anyways.

The freed mudokon scrub suddenly wondered if any of the other mudokons he had met needed someone to do their cleaning. Maybe he would fit in after all.

[Kesiah]

Yay! Now we knows all the characters, are we are gonna get ta see them all meeting each other and Abe?

[TheKhanzumer]

Yes they certainly will all meet each other... and eventually they will meet Abe as well.

The next part will come soon I promise.

[Joe the Intern]

WOW! I dont read many fan fics, and that's probably why I hadn't read this one for so long, which is a shame. I LOVE IT! I read the whole thing in the course of an hour... Great job, Khanz! I think I'll try drawing Chuk.

[TheKhanzumer]

Part Two:

Zero sauntered around the Monsaic inn and looked for things to occupy his time with. After many failed attempts the native mudokons had given up trying to get him to join their social group. But he appreciated their kindness and hospitality. They had allowed him to spend the last few days in there home. They were definitely not what he had expected. He bent over to pick up an Expresso cup someone had accidentally knocked on the ground. He never knew that most of the SoulStorm brews had actually been taken from ancient mudokon beverages.

He deposited the garbage into the fire burning in the middle of the hut and stood next to the warm flames. They danced on the logs, playfully destroying the wood. After spending time with the natives he had come to realize that the glukkons where the same as the fire. Their lives would be fun while they consumed the resources of Oddworld but eventually they would use them all up and then they would be extinguished along with the other inhabitants of Mudos.

Zero looked up at the sound of the huts bell being rung. Company? He walked over to open the door, standing aside so that the newcomers would not notice him.

“Hiya guys, I got some newcomers from the mines and figured that they could stay here for a while if it’s all right,” said the lively visitor.

The host agreed to let them stay in his inn. Zero looked at the newcomers, but his fellow freedmuds could not return the favor. They all had their eyes sown shut.

[TheKhanzumer]

The attachment is a picture of Zero I made using Photoshop Elements 2.0


original official image

[Al the Vykker]

Doing Good so Far Khanz, nice story, Im going to have to spend a while catching up on everything, but from the basic overview of reading, it catches my attention.


-Al the Vykker


Following Fan Fics Written By me,


The Fallen Temple(Completed)

Failure to Comply(Still going)

Campaign Tour(New Story, on chapter two, coming to three)

Check them out if you wish I can always use more feedback.

[TheKhanzumer]

Part Three:

Zero waited for the seven new visitors to get inside and then closed the door. The lively native who had guided them to the in was apparently good friends with the mudokon with the funny accent. They immediately began catching up over a couple of brews. Zero automatically began helping the mineworkers to take seats on the cushions around the fire. He noticed one of them had wandered off to the corner of the room.

The scrub walked over to the worker and inquired, “Don’t ya want to sit down?”

The mineworker turned to face him, it was amazing how well they could get around by hearing and touch, and said, “No thanks. I’ve been to near to the floor for to many years of my life. I sort of like the air standing up.”

The mineworker paused then said, “You don’t sound like the other natives. You must’ve been a slave too.”

Zero nodded then realized that he wouldn’t be able to sit it, “Yes, I was an employee at the RuptureFarms 1029 Scrab Kennels. Largest meat processing plant on oddworld.”

The blind mudokon suddenly spit on the ground and said, “Employee? Is that what they call ya? Those lousy sligs and glukkons think they can just push us around. Well wait ‘til my friend Abe gets to them. They’ll be sorry.”

“You were friends with Abe?” asked Zero.

“Not really. Only met him once, when he freed me. Suppose he freed you to. I don’t think any other mudokons would have the guts to do what he is doing.”

“But the Magog Cartel have been in charge for years. Isn’t what Abe is doing… wrong?”

It was amazing how much emotion could show through the minworkers mouth. Usually it was the eyes that conveyed a person’s feelings. But this mud did well without.

“You must’ve had it really good at the ‘Farms to not be appreciative of Abe. He is doing what’s right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even yourself. By the way, my names Pik. Nice meeting you…”

“Zero. My name is Zero.”

[thebomb372]

i love the pic and the story is going very well

[Stripe]

Or something like it. It just stands to reason that once you are used to a way of life...change (sudden at that) will take time to deal with. Hope Zero can blend in.
I know I'll have to do a lot of re-reading, but what happend to his little rat pet/buddy?

You can't stop the story now, you must write more!

[TheKhanzumer]

Don't worry, Zero's love of small defenseless animals will continue to play a role in the story.

And I promise I will update this story sometime, but sadly, due to school, I don't have as much time to work on it.

[Oddsville]

Great job Khanz, your doing a great job on your story. Hopefully I can follow your edvice and make my story alittle better (I guess I should also shorten the chapters too, so people can get into it easier?)

[TheKhanzumer]

No homework today so here is the beginning of the next chapter.


Part One:

A long black creature danced across the desert sands. As it drew nearer a smaller being could be seen following closely behind. As Amos strode down the dune he eventually caught up to his shadow until it was no longer than his height. The sun steadily slipped away on the horizon and with one last wink over the sands it made its grand departure.

The lone wanderer closed his eyes and continued at a fair pace. He had long since gone numb to the pain in his sides and the tightness in his stomach. His skin burned from the fury of daylight and his feet had blistered on the hot sand. Those where the thorns of the daytime in the vast Scrabanian desert region. The night was a completely different trial. With the dark came the biting cold. It was night when the poisonous creatures of the desert crawled out from under their rocks sanctuaries to hunt for easy prey.

When Amos opened his eyes he could see through the darkness. The celestial lights would give their gift of guidance on this night.

[Kesiah]

hmmmm.........
Homework......yes, I remember now. That's the stuff that I try to avoid and occasionally cram in between work, school and fun!
Another great chapter from Khanz!

[TheKhanzumer]

Here is the next installement of the Marching Mudokons. I was really pleased with this part and I hope you like it to. I just hope it isn't full of comfusing grammatical errors...


Part Two:

What reassuring things, the stars. They were one thing which Amos could always trust in. The Magog Cartel was pure evil, corrupting the land with their industrial jihad. Glukkons could hardly breathe without polluting the air. Literally. Sligs were even worse, the nasty creatures who once made their homes in the filthy swamps of Mudos. Although he had never seen either in person, he had heard that the other industrial races, such as vykkers and chroniclers, were just as bad, if not worse. Better where his own race, the mudokons. Those who lived in the wilderness strove to do right and worked for a better future, but they were unpredictable to. And there were also the detestable mudokons living in the cities.

If there was one thing Amos had learned in his years of life, it was the fact that sentient life forms had a way of changing. Changing themselves and their surroundings. Even the mightiest of mudokons could let their brothers down.

Not the stars. Sure they moved across the sky in the night, but it was in constant patterns. They moved along set paths which would not, could not, be disturbed. At least there was one thing Amos could depend on.

The famished nomad watched the sky as he continued home. Suddenly a star burst twice its size with dazzling light and vanished from view. It simply disappeared. In the corner of his vision a comet left a tail of brilliance as it traveled through the atmosphere.

So there was nothing Amos could depend on. So be it.

[Stripe]

can't wait to find out more about this Amos guy!
Was he betrayed? Something happen to his
friends / fellow slaves? Did HE betray someone?

Hope to hear more soon, good stuff!

[Kesiah]

Interesting. Amos is becoming a very intense character, I will follow his journey with interest.
BTW, I'm not sure about this, but isn't jihad a holy war?
If it is, why do the Cartel have it?