Actually they do, this is a very common misunderstanding around the globe. I believe intolerance has become a regrettably rampant world sentiment, especially in our progressive day and age. My apologies if the rest of this seems a bit "out there," but rest assured I've spent countless hours making sense of the wide array of source material regarding such matters. And I'm trustworthy, because I usually never lie. Put on your learning cap, because we're about to delve into the fascinating world of high fantasy cryptozoologic biology and its interactions with Providential history
Firstly, it IS true that poor folks and trolls are two of the demographics disowned and forsaken by God at some point in history, but the details are hazy so far as that conflict is concerned. The same goes for all homosexuals and negroes. And Jews and Muslims. Personally, I don't even want to know what the rest of those groups did to piss Him off, because that's dangerous information. Many reporters and researchers have disappeared while seeking those truths. We'll investigate the science behind poor trollage momentarily, but I'll go ahead and answer the questions burning on everyone's buns. Yes, Mormons are currently on the strictly enforced "Do Not Fly" (aka "Go To Hell") list, but the fabled rumors of a graced-Mormons saga are true indeed. Though they were soon again blacklisted, they were briefly allowed to ride the spirit-ferrying ghost rocket ship formerly known as Challenger (a quick explanation, you have to fly to Heaven at its location between the stratosphere and mesosphere; Hell is accessed through an elevator in Ethiopia with a really long line). But back to those kuhrazy Mormons. Just how was it they gained heavenly favor, only to lose it only months later? On a dreary Christmas Eve long ago, predating even the encounter of time prophets Bill and Ted with Socrates, He caught an exceptionally unattractive glimpse of His long-time wife's innumerable century old cleavage. In the midst of sexually frustrated thoughts, God deduced that multiple wives would be an awesome improvement in domestic living situations. Things went well for a while, until a certain newlywed trophy wife stopped taking her birth control pills as part of a fiendish plan. The bitch freaking plotted to get pregnant, kill off the competing wives and use the life insurance for cosmetic surgery, and then pussywhip Him for the rest of existence with awe inspiring boobage. No one really knows what happened next. All we know for sure is that He deleted everything off existence's hard drive and started a new reality some four to five thousand years ago. With so much impassioned, retaliatory smiting to exact on the female sex/Mormon religion, and especially in His enthusiasm to fulfill the vengeful task of creating a dastardly unpleasant society to banish His now ex-wife and future bastard child, it's assumed that God opted to put off defragging His shit until after His wrath was known. Such impatience never comes without cost, and sure enough hackers immediately seized the opportunity to dig through His dirt; boy howdy has fossil evidence been a pain in the ass for the church to double-talk away. We only know what we do from internal memos scavenged from the data bits of past existence. Because the scandal was quickly picked up on Drudge Report, God found himself forced to relent on the wrath and whatnot. He didn't want to have to start over creation a third time, and simply paid off the Jury to acquit Him of all conspiracy charges. But to God's credit, He at least got the heathens back pretty good; hence today women have PMS and and the Mormons get a periodic dash of police raid on their fundamentalist polygamy compounds.
But I digress, enough of all that jibbah jabbah. We came here to talk about poor trolls and the reality of their heart situation, amirite? Don't even answer, I know I'm rite. Starving, desperate-for-work trolls like those hitching a ride on (or dangling off) the previously pictured Troll Train very much have hearts and souls. So how about we exam the fringe pseudo-science information that supports this fact, eh?
- Souls are generated by the heart, not the brain like some heretical western scientists and philosophers previously suspected. So no heart = no soul, simple enough. They come together like a cheesy porno. An interesting event that occurred in the metaphysical empires of Heaven and Hell came with the introduction of pacemakers into the world of medicine. Upon death, as opposed to looking like a normal human ghost (like Slimer from the riveting documentary Ghostbusters) people with pacemakers mutate into wicked looking cyborg spirits that resemble those crazy ass things from Virus. Unfortunately, there's widespread bigotry toward cyborgs across all areas of the afterlife, so in 1995 these part-man, part-machine, part ghosts layed siege to Purgatory (which was represented quite accurately as the train station in The Matrix: Reloaded) and claimed it as their new homeland. God and Satan quickly worked up a treaty granting amnesty to the cyborg souls, citing them as political refugees under persecution from insensitive political majorities.
- We can determine the fate of a soul by it's "soul value." One point is added for each of the following categories: being rich, white, or prude, plus varying bonus points for particularly manly acts accomplished in life. One point is subtracted for being poor/a troll/gay/female/Jew/Muslim/dark skinned. Being a pussy affects your score in a proportionally negative manner. Recently, the criteria for salvation were changed to follow a pattern similar to algebraic double negatives, wherein the final soul value is changed to the corresponding absolute value for even, negative integers. I know you're all dying to know, so here's why: real estate for souls in Hell was projected to fill up by 12/23/2012* due to poor populations breeding too rapidly, so God took a proactive step and amended salvational doctrine to buy more time before the overflowing number of damned souls emerged to plague our planet in the form of a zombie invasion (think back to the Living Dead movies, which secretly served as political propaganda to justify the new legislation). But yeah, as any reasonable person would assume, those with a final negative value go to Hell, and those with a positive value go to Heaven. Duh.
- As punishment for post-op Steve attempting to steal the last twinkie from the Pantry of Eden (Adam had called dibs), humans are allowed only a maximum of one soul, even if they have more than one heart in their body** (aside from Sean Connery, who has a second soul that blossomed from a tumor on his right peck; through the power of his sexy voice and eloquent precision, he persuaded God to let him keep this miraculous growth).
- A soul is required to enter either Heaven or Hell after you die; those who pass away without souls (like the Gingers and Japanese, both brought to global attention by South Park) are reincarnated as Moors. Those with a soul value of "0" find themselves banished to Purgatory to spend eternity with Keanu Reeves and the don't-take-no-shit cyborgs. So to help clarify, here's an example of how the system plays out: even a rich heterosexual pair of intolerant male, Aryan Siamese twins with two fully developed hearts will inevitably find themselves dueling to the death to see who gets to use their soul to enter the Pearly Gates.
- Since trolls descended from Arabs circa 340 BC***, they are bound by the same restriction on soul quantity as we modern day humans. So afterlife prospects really suck if you're a Siamese Troll Twin, just ask the Olsens. sisters.
So anyway, with some simple math... Poor/Troll = |-2| soul value = +2 after conversion, now divide the remainder, carry the quotient and we see that since these poor trolls qualify to enter Heaven (and hopefully none are hiding vaginas) they must have hearts, souls, and maybe even a handful of mildly developed emotions.
* The close proximity of this near disastrous Hell on Earth to the Mayan predicted apocalypse is just coincidence, they were a bunch of primitive asshats who got off in sexually twisted ways like the Fleshlight.
** Fun fact, whenever a pregnant mother perishes, a doctrinal clause states that all of the non-poor/troll/gay/black/female/Jew/Muslim fetus souls automatically go to Limbo with the virtuous pagans to chill on it.
*** Another fun fact worth knowing would be that goblins descended from Indians. The dot kind, not feather; the feathers spawned centaurs, which were hunted to near extinction by Sauron's orc armies during the battle for Middle Earth, they considered it great summertime sport.
The more you know, know what I'm saying? ^_^
By the power of Grayskull, Pikachu, I choose you!!!
