The Joke thread -

Sekto Springs · #61 09-08-2009, 09:38 PM

I ejaculated. Its alot like vomiting, except from your penis.

Dixanadu · #62 09-08-2009, 09:42 PM

A husband and wife have an argument, which results in the wife going upstairs in a huff. The husband calms himself down, then goes upstairs in an attempt to correct things. When he enters the bedroom, his wife is completely covered in the duvet, save for her legs. "I'm sorry." he says, but she just slightly twitches her foot.

Knowing what would cheer her up, he kneels at the end of the bed and sticks his head under the blanket and gives her oral sex. After a while, he decides to wash his face before he kisses her. When he goes into the bathroom, but...his wife is sitting on the toilet.

"Aaaahh!!" he screams in surprise. "Shhh!" his wife replies, "You'll wake your mother up."

Sekto Springs · #63 09-08-2009, 09:45 PM

I think Mat told me this one...

A man climbs in bed with his wife, all ready for a night of rough sex.
The wife says to him "Not tonight. I have a headache"
The man answers...
"Wonderful. I just powdered my cock with aspirin. Would you like to take it orally or as a suppository?"

OANST · #64 09-09-2009, 06:37 AM

I did not tell you that one. Not my style at all.

Josh · #65 09-09-2009, 07:37 AM

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?

That's Katie Price.

used:) · #66 09-09-2009, 09:55 AM

Taken from Gilbert Gottfried:

A man gets "I Love You" tattued onto his penis. When he goes home and tries to get his wife to give him a blowjob, she says "stop trying to put words in my mouth."

OANST · #67 09-09-2009, 10:05 AM

Good night, folks. I'll be here all week!

Mac Sirloin · #68 09-09-2009, 08:33 PM

SO A MEXICAN AND A BLACK MAN WALK INTO THE BAR

THEN THEY MURDER EACH OTHER

DEE DEE DEE

Leto · #69 09-09-2009, 10:53 PM

What happened to the black guy who walked into a klan meeting?
He was kindly asked to leave.

Ridg3 · #70 09-10-2009, 03:11 AM

What do you call a black man flying a plane?
The Pilot

moxco · #71 09-10-2009, 03:19 AM

Some one told me this joke sme time back back. But since I was too lazy to write it out so I googled certain key words 'till I found it.

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

moxco · #72 09-10-2009, 01:29 PM

WARNING THIS JOKE IS DISGUSTING

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Leto · #73 09-10-2009, 01:50 PM

why did that have a warning

not only is it a common joke
but disgusted i was not

>:(

OANST · #74 09-10-2009, 01:51 PM

I have to agree. I was totally all like "meh".

OddjobAbe · #75 09-10-2009, 01:52 PM

I hyperventilated.

squeak117 · #76 09-10-2009, 02:54 PM

Okay, so this is the very worst one I know:

What is the worst part of eating out bald pussy?

Putting the diaper back on.

Sekto Springs · #77 09-10-2009, 03:51 PM

That joke makes absolutely no sense, Squeak. Perhaps if you said "bald" as opposed to "shaved".

squeak117 · #78 09-10-2009, 07:16 PM

And that's what I get for making posts as soon as I wake up. On to the edit button!

Sekto Springs · #79 09-10-2009, 07:33 PM

Give me the title of Definitive Joke Destroyer.

squeak117 · #80 09-10-2009, 08:45 PM

Well, at least I have something for when a 'Tell Jokes Badly' thread pops up.

On to more jokes though...

_______________________________________________________________________________

:

A husband and wife had been married for forty years. Every single morning of these forty years, the husband would wake up and let rip a massive fart. And every single morning of these forty years, the wife would respond with:

"One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out!"

On thanksgiving morning, the wife had awoken early to prepare the turkey. After some work she had a bowl full of turkey guts in front of her and gets a sneaky idea. She quickly runs upstairs to the bedroom with the bowl of turkey guts, opens her husband's underwear, drops them in and lets go, letting the underwear snap closed. She quickly runs downstairs to wait in anticipation for a reaction.

About ten minutes later, she hears from the upstairs bedroom a deafening scream from her husband and she starts laughing hysterically. Twenty minutes after that, the husband finally walks downstairs.
Trying not to laugh, she asks, "I heard you wake up. What took you so long to come downstairs?"

To which he replies:
"You said it every morning for forty years of marriage. One day, I'm going to fart my guts out. Well, it finally happened."

"What?" She replies with fake surprise.

Interrupting her, he continues:
"But, with the grace of God and these two fingers... I shoved them all back in."

Psychocath · #81 09-10-2009, 09:14 PM

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

What's more fun than two dead babies in one trash can?
One dead baby in two trash cans.

(This next one is pretty bad, so I'm going to put a spoiler tag on the whole thing. I'll remove it if anyone here finds it offensive.)
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
Pizza doesn't scream when I put it in an oven.

A priest, a midget and a bodybuilder walk into a bar... Well, two walk into it anyway.

used:) · #82 09-10-2009, 09:23 PM

I can already hear the infractions.

How do you fit four gays on a bar stool?

Turn it upside down.

moxco · #83 09-10-2009, 09:40 PM

I put the warning up because Nate was being a 'dead baby nazi'.

***Nate*** · #84 09-10-2009, 09:49 PM

I never made any rule against dead baby jokes. Jews in oven jokes, on the other hand...

Psychocath · #85 09-10-2009, 09:56 PM

It could be worse anyway - This thread could be flooded with 4chan jokes. Then everyone's eyes would melt out and Nate would explode like Krakatoa. Maybe.

EDIT: And I'll remove that oven joke if you want. Friend told me it, and I must say, I did giggle a little bit when I heard it.

Josh · #86 09-10-2009, 10:34 PM

D
E
K
C
U
F

That's fucked up

Leto · #87 09-11-2009, 12:08 AM

why did you spell fucked upside down

moxco · #88 09-11-2009, 01:05 AM

What's the difference between a donkey and a ping-pong table?

The ping-pong table doesn't lick my balls!

Dixanadu · #89 09-11-2009, 07:29 AM

Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it.

ARHARHARHAR.

moxco · #90 09-11-2009, 12:14 PM

You are about the sixth person to say a variation of that joke so far.