*In a nice, happy tone* # Jacobs Help-liiiiiiiine #

[Facsimile]

Dear Jacob,
Is it wrong to abort my unborn baby?
Annonymously from Fax.

[spike 247]

Dear Jacob,

I have a question that has been buggin' me for ages,
They say practice makes perfect, but nobodys perfect, soo why practice?

[Jacob]

Ohh...questions akimbo!!

Dear Oddling,
I do not know your area so i cannot direct you to an asylum or a "7 11" (i'm English...i don't know what that means) so the best cause of action i can state to you is take the fork out of your mouth, find a washing machine, climb inside, get somebody to turn it on and revel in the whirlingness. This will inevitably cause you some discomfort...but at least you're not thinking about the pain of your ulcers. On your second point i believe the problem you have is a severe case of Mosquito-michieviousness. This is a common problem in...erm...rooms...yes...the best cause of action is to amputate the vile, pulsating, grotesque, bite-ridden appendages. This is to ensure people are not sickened by your appearance. I would then advise you to call for an Ambulance...however...it's highly likely you will pass out and die from blood loss...so...well, just enjoy the rapidly decreasing seconds of your existance...

Dear Fax,
Is it wrong? Some may say it is. Some may say you're a murderer. Some may even say you're going to Hell...and you will be, but not for that...the fact of the matter is that you're a freak of nature. A guy with a womb is not Gods work...its the Devils...you're the Devils sperm...God hates you. The Church hates you. The good, decent people of the world hate you. It doesn't matter if you take the life of a blob inside of you...if you pop out the child God won't begin to love you...he will still hate you...and most likely pee on you...and you're spawn...you're a freak...God will shun you into darkness...we will shun you into darkness...let the Devil sort you out you little nymph of torture and harm...

Dear Spike,
Who is this "they" you speak about? The only creatures who divulge that false hope information are the creatures who, themselves, want to be perfect. These are dangerous people...run away from them...if they're a member of you're family state that they molested you. Not only will you get your 15 minutes of fame...but you will get away from the perfectionist Nazis...save yourself...you can...God loves you...not unlike the Uterus wielding man-freak up above...

Thankyou for you're questions. I really feel i have helped some people with some, obviously, distressing queries...

[Wil]

Bear in mind that these are actual read problems that I'm sure are more likely to coax a much more piss-myself-with-laughterly responce. However, I'm not authorised to claim that they're all my problems - they're all somebody else's, but I use the expression 'I' merely for simplicity. There are a few, so I've tried toseparate them.

1) Jonny is so incredibly fit. I mean really, he puts Ross to shame. I've always had a kind of thing for him, but during the last couple of days he's a) not had his hair up in a quiff, which makes him look more human, and b) had his sleeves rolled up - gorgeous arms. The trouble is obvious: being a selective mute, I can't speak to him anyway, let alone about a subject of this nature.

2) Jonny doesn't mix with the right people. He spends his time with George, Ravi and Sameer, but all they ever do is take the piss out of him and annoy him; and yet he doesn't seem to recognise this. I know it's not my place to interfere with other people's relationships, and I realise that friendship can exist in conditions such as I've just described, but it's agony to watch it every day.

3) I can't be bothered to write up all my other...er...everyone else's problems right now, but I should think you'll be able to help/rip the piss suitably.

Respectfully,
Max (definitely writing for someone else )

[oddling]

Originally posted by Jacob
Dear Oddling,
I do not know your area so i cannot direct you to an asylum or a "7 11" (i'm English...i don't know what that means)

A 7 11 is kinda like a lil quicky mart or somehting like that, that you find around in America here. Woopy

Oddling l:c l

[Oddsville]

Dear Jacob,

I have an urgent problem that need's your geniousness quickly. Every time I go to the potty I get a burning sensation in my giggle stick! Its started to burn so much that I cry everytime I go. I've been holding it in for three weeks now and am starting to get dizzy. Sometime's it even leaks at random!

Please help!
Annonymous me

[Abe's son]

Dear Jacob

Right now I'm stuck in a bathroom with both my legs riped off and a popcorn bucket lodged into my chest cavity, I'm typing on a computer fashioned from my own byproducts and I cant seem to get out. Do you know how to get me out? Please help me, It's starting to smell and I think I'm growing Extra legs...

- AS

[Canned Gabbiar]

Dear Jacob,

I am going to die of laughter because of you. What should I do?

Also, the book is starting to talk to me, my pyjamas are trying to strangle me and the computer is acting like a defibbulator. My head is swelling to an enormous size and I'm not sure whether all these things are connected. HELP ME PLEASE!

Canned Gabbiar

[Alcar]

Hi sweetie Jacob,

I've got this crush on a forum member who I shall not name. I mean, he is so hot and I haven't even seen his photo yet. Apparently he wears Gucci, and won't stand to be with any lower class people!

Oh, Jacob honey, what should I do?



Alcar...

[Jacob]

Dear anon,
The burning sensation could be caused by a type of STD, most likely Gonorhea...i think. I believe this STD actually causes severe discomfort in the Uretha when urine is passed. My advice to you is that you consult your local GP (Doctor) and get some medication. He may have to pierce your bladder before hand however...so prepare to have a stream of urine spurting out of the side of your abdomen...or wherever your bladder is...

Dear AS,
Your dying...the only way i can think of helping you out is by suggesting you drown yourself in the toilet...this would help by allowing you to die alot quicker rate than what you seem to be dying at...Yes...die.

Dear Canned Gabbiar,
Before you die you should write a will and leave me all your money, family and items of high value...i shall keep your money, sell your high value items and use your family as slaves. On the other matter, i suggest you close the book, torch your pyjama's, infect your computer with a highly-intense-sensual virus and get hired as a freak in a freak show. The Elephant man got money for his deformed head, why can't you?

Dear Alcar,
You obviously have thooperlicious taste and i suggest you act on this urge of high-sexual tension by sending the forum member in question lots of money. The way you describe him makes even my dry-as-desert loins moisten like they've been quelched with a waterfall of high proportion. If he likes Gucci, buy him Gucci...and Armani...and Versacé...and also Prada...yes...also...hire Adam Rickett to perform naked for him...yes...well done on your great taste...

Phew, thats another batch of lives saved by the amazingness that is me...

[Wil]

You didn't save my life! I feel so left out!

[paramiteabe]

Oooh Max you will be saved! Don't worry!

Dear Jacob
I... I have a serious problem but I don't know how to explane it but I will give it a try. I found myself attracted to my fire Hydrant what should I do? I don't have a life and everyone thinks I am fag! what FU*K should I do? I think I am turning into a dog. What kind demonic device is happening here?
I need some advice.

[Jacob]

Dear Max,
Problem one...what exactly is it? If you want me to save you from the pit of dispair and agony please state the question clearly and responsibly. Problem two...DAMNIT, WHERE'S THE PROBLEM!? OR QUESTION...OR QUERIE!? *Tuts*

Dear un-named,
You have a fire hydrant? The first thing you have got to realise is that the fire hydrant is not YOURS. The fire hydrant is everybodies whom lives down your street. You should get a life and either prove to people your not a raging Homosexual who will inevitably be shunned by the great Lord and cast into the abyss with all the sinners or accept that you are a raging Homosexual and prance out of the closet throwing pansy's in the air...faggot. The whole turning into a Dog thing can be put down to two things, the great Lord punishing you for your faggot misdemeanours or you going insane. Either way, seek help from either a Priest or other Clergymen or a Shrink...

The word 'hero' springs to mind...oh yes...

[Wil]

Fine, I'll write out the problems again, and I'll make sure I put a nice question on the end for you.

1) Jonny's gorgeous, but having done some stupid things with Ross in the past and being a selective mute, actually talking to him about it is, I feel, especially hard. What's worse is that if people start gossiping about me, I'll slip even further down the social rung system of the school, and given my current position and struggling I can't afford that to happen. Questions: what should I do? Should I do what I did with Ross and circumnavigate the problem of speach by writing letters/notes, or should I just face it all and catch him alone sometime?

2) Being as it is that I feel for Jonny, I can't stand to see him just be in this situation. Is it my place to intervene, or should I keep my distance in this respect, since they may actually be friends beneath the surface that I see?

[Jacob]

Dear Max,
Ahh, gorgeous people are very thooperlicious indeed...but is he gorgeous because you want to be him? Or because you want to be IN him? Hm? You must define which one he is. Some people can want somebody because they want to be them, nice arms, six pack, black hair, green eyes...Mmmmmm...yes...anyway...You say the school will gossip about you? Well, you obviously didn't have much influence before you came out (if you did come out that is, or did they just find out themselves...?). Anyway, as a fag you should be on the hierarchy of the social foodchain, however, you're not and because of such a thing it's going to be hard for you to gain exceptance and the like. It would help if you were camp and funny...since every girl wants a stereotypical camp and funny gay friend, which will automaticly give you power. However, moving on from this point since you're clearly not like that i shall answer your questions...*reads*...Hmmm, two problems. You state 'circumnavigate', by reading this i am assuming you mean 'circumcise' in which case, no, do not circumcise the problem...unless you need to for religious/medical reasons. Your empathy and judge of character should put you in good stead for the action you take. If you believe that this guy, Jonny, will take your perversion over him well...and not freak out and break your sinning little nose...then tell him. If you believe he will, then do not. I am assuming that you fell down the social totempole due to your misdemeanors with Ross...in that case, if you do not wish to fall into the mud at the bottom, i suggest you hush. However, you may feel like you're lying to yourself or hiding something you don't want to hide...in which case get over yourself, gain some power, gather some gossip about the popular people, hone your bitch skills and go for it...if you get gossiped about, retaliate with a "Well, blah-blah had 2 abortions last year" or "Well, Ross isn't the only guy i've conjoined with...". Yes. With the second problem you could just tell him as a friend, then it is off your chest and inevitably up to him what he does...beit leave Smear and the other guy...or stay with them and slowly realise they hate him and want his ass to burn on a metallic pole...either way...its his choice...

Hmmm...longness...