The Joke thread -

GlukkonGluk · #**511** 07-16-2010, 01:22 PM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Ridg3 · #**512** 08-10-2010, 01:33 AM

How do you swat 200 flies at once?

Hit an Ethiopian child in the face with a frying pan.

The Crappin' Elum · #**513** 08-10-2010, 02:25 AM

World of Warcraft Joke:
"A Gnome walks into a bar and says:"Who owns the big grizzly bear from outside?"...a dwarf turns around and says:"Aye, what happens to be the problem mate?"...*The gnome stares a bit at the dwarf and says:"Well, I don't know how to say this but...my mechanical squirrel killed your bear", The dwarf looks at the gnome with disbelief and says:"How is that possible?...How could a small squirrel kill my bear? It's a 300 pound animal for crying ot loud!"...Gnome replies:"Well your bear tried to swallow my mechanical squirrel and chocked on it"

Josh · #**514** 08-10-2010, 02:28 AM

Went to bed a boy, woke up a man.

Fucking coma.

Ridg3 · #**515** 08-10-2010, 02:32 AM

How do you put a baby in a blender?

Feet first so you can watch his face.

OddjobAbe · #**516** 08-10-2010, 10:32 AM

An old man is put in an old person's home. His son rings up his mam who is also in the home and asks how the old fellow is. "He's like a fish out of water." the mam says.
"He's doesn't like it?" The son asks.
"No, he's dead."

Josh · #**517** 08-10-2010, 10:39 AM

So, Facebook have just announced their 1,000,000,000th member.

Well, I've just closed my account, so that's fucked that up for them then.

Ridg3 · #**518** 08-10-2010, 10:40 AM

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Josh · #**519** 08-10-2010, 10:41 AM

How dare you! Diana is off limits! SHE WAS THE PEOPLE'S PRINCESS!

Ridg3 · #**520** 08-10-2010, 10:45 AM

Comedy has no boundaries my friend...
And I actually pictured someone screaming "Peoples princess" heh.

I rang up that Rape Advice Helpline earlier today. Unfortunately it's only for victims.

Phylum · #**521** 09-02-2010, 10:42 PM

Bump.

I saw a "Best of Jane Rutter" CD yesterday.

Hohohohoho~

OddjobAbe · #**522** 09-03-2010, 12:20 AM

Three tomatoes are walking across the desert. Which one's the cowboy?
None of them. They're all redskins.

Josh · #**523** 09-03-2010, 02:09 AM

A man goes into a pub and orders some Adenosine triphosphate. The Barman says "That'll be 80p"

A thousand Internets to you if you get this.

***Nate*** · #**524** 09-03-2010, 04:08 AM

I'm guessing it's something to do with the number of Phosphorus atoms in Adenosine triphosphate.

OddjobAbe · #**525** 09-03-2010, 07:34 AM

shaman · #**526** 09-12-2010, 11:31 AM

What's the difference between Barrack Obama and JFK?

Nothing.

Yet.

Dixanadu · #**527** 09-12-2010, 03:22 PM

An Englishman, Welshman and a Pakistani were in the hospital ward waiting for their children to be born. A doctor emerges and says, "Congratulations, you've all bore a healthy boy each. However, we lost the name tags for each. So, you'll have to assume which baby is yours."

The Englishman goes in first and comes out with a tan-skinned baby; clearly the Pakistani child. "Hey! That's my son!" the Pakistani yells.
"I know," replied the Englishman, "But one of the two babies inside is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances!"

***Nate*** · #**528** 09-13-2010, 05:04 AM

:

What's the difference between Barrack Obama and JFK?

Nothing.

Yet.

That doesn't make any sense; there is one very big difference right now in that Obama is alive and JFK is dead. If you're implying that Obama (whose first name only has one 'r' by the way) is going to be assassinated, you're both two years late to the humour party and mixed up. Either change the question to "What's the similarity..." or change the answer to "Everything... For now"

Ridg3 · #**529** 09-17-2010, 02:38 PM

The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital. On the way to the operating theater he whispers to the nurse, "Am I in heaven?" The nurse says "No we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Dynamithix · #**530** 09-18-2010, 05:33 AM

Ridg3, you got some sick jokes. Love 'em.

Slag? · #**531** 09-21-2010, 03:45 PM

Why'd The chicken cross the road?

Cause he was gay

Ridg3 · #**532** 09-21-2010, 03:55 PM

How dare you associate Scrubs with that atrocity of a joke. It's people like you that need hung, drawn and quartered.

Slag? · #**533** 09-21-2010, 03:56 PM

:

How dare you associate Scrubs with that atrocity of a joke. It's people like you that need hung, drawn and quartered.

Erm, What?

You see, I knew we would never get along, mainly because of your avatar.

scrabface · #**534** 09-21-2010, 04:18 PM

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

to get to the same side.

I think we all know this joke, but this is very important for me.

Slag? · #**535** 09-21-2010, 04:21 PM

Well, Micheal Jackson is dead.
Oh well. Now that he is, they are going to melt him down (Since he is mostly Plastic) Into Legos, So kids can Finally play with him for a change.

Wings of Fire · #**536** 09-22-2010, 04:40 AM

Words do not describe how late that is.

Slag? · #**537** 09-22-2010, 01:58 PM

:

Words do not describe how late that is.

I love you too

Strike Witch · #**538** 09-23-2010, 03:57 AM

One day, a man running a pet store was putting up a new sign when he felt something gently tug on his pants leg. He looked down and saw an adorable little girl, who looked shy, but expectant. In the tiniest, softest little voice, she said, "Excuse me sir, but I was wondering, do you have any really little, tiny rabbits?"

The man smiled warmly and crouched down to her level. He gestured to the rabbit pens and replied, "Of course, sweetheart! Now, would you be interested in the little tiny black-furred rabbits, the little tiny white-and-brown patched rabbits, or the little tiny cream-coloured rabbits?"

The girl returned his smile with a grin, leaned in closer, and whispered,

"I don't think my Python really gives a shit."

Nemo · #**539** 09-23-2010, 04:37 AM

:

Well, Micheal Jackson is dead.
Oh well. Now that he is, they are going to melt him down (Since he is mostly Plastic) Into Legos, So kids can Finally play with him for a change.

used:) · #**540** 09-23-2010, 05:25 AM

:

How many euphonium players does it take to change a lightbulb?

4; one to change it and 3 to explain what a euphonium is.

I'm in a special interest music program at school, so we sit around in lessons thinking up and/or sharing lame music jokes. I could go on all day, but I'll spare you. The 2 I've posted are the best I've heard in a while.

What you get when you cut a tuba in half?

A oneba