The Joke thread

[OddjobAbe]

A man goes to the doctor's. The doctor says, "I have some bad news. You've got cancer. You've also got Alzheimer's disease."
The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

[Josh]

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It.

[Ridg3]

Doctor: I have good news and bad news?
Patient: Okay...what's the good news?
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: W-well wh-whats t-t-the bad new-n-news. *:'(*
Doctor: It's terminal...


I made it up after reading OJA joke on cancer.

You know that sharks are immune to cancer?

[Gwan-Thwei]

A guy gets a house call from the doctor.
"I have something horrible to tell you! You only have 24 hours to live!"
The guy is stunned. "Is that all?"
"No, I was supposed to tell you yesterday!"

[STM]

What rant? I like reading rants

Anyone think this looks like something real? Not that the said subject was a joke, just the peole at lego


(I finally worked out how to post images after two years)

Also: A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[MeechMunchie]

What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and Eyjafjallajökull?
The volcano still blows Ash.

[Lord Stanley]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"I smell carrots."

[Sekto Springs]

What did the blind, deaf, retarded baby get for christmas?

Cancer.

[Alf Shall Rise]

What did the blind, deaf, retarded baby get for Christmas?

A miracle cure that fixed all of his physical abnormalities for the rest of his life.

[Sekto Springs]

That wasn't funny.

[Wings of Fire]

I think that was sort of the point.

[Josh]

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...

[OddjobAbe]

What do you think this picture is?

The last thing a negro sees when the Ku Klux Klan throw him into a well.

[Dixanadu]

How do you know your sister is on her period? Because your dad's cock tasts funny.

[MA]

old, long, tedious joke:

man brings his son into the pub, and all his son consists of is a head. he places the head on the bar, and the bartender gives him a pint. he drinks it with a little help, and suddenly grows a torso. "Bloody hell!" the bartender says, and pours him another one. he drinks that too, and out pop his arms. "Its miracle brew!" his dad says, amazed. "Pour him another one!" "Are you sure?" the bartender asks, wary of what might happen. "Of course! another one!" he gives him another drink and he grows a pair of legs. so happy, the son jumps into the air and runs outside skipping and dancing, but gets hit by a bus and is killed. "See! I told you!" the bartender says, "You should have stopped while he was a-head!"

[Josh]

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a Pete Doherty song.

[shaman]

My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat. He'll start bringing birds home in such poor condition I'll have to take them into the backyard and kill them with a brick.

[OANST]

A Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar. They got along really well until some Irish fucker blew it up.

[Phylum]

How do you know when you're hugging a french horn player?

[MeechMunchie]

I don't know. You didn't tell me.

[Nate]

I'm tipping it has something to do with where he places his hands.

[Phylum]

Yes. It's a joke that has no punchline, so I had to wait for the above post before I could elaborate. I couldn't think of too many ways I could have expressed it.

Now I'm beginning to think "Think about their hands" in spoiler tags would have sufficed, but, sadly, that's a delayed realisation.

[Nate]

If it doesn't have a punchline, it's not really much a joke now is it?

[enchilado]

Yeah Phylum, that joke was a joke.

[Phylum]

It's such a good joke it doesn't need a punchline! It can make it on it's own; there's nothing holding it back anymore!

In other words I concede.

[MeechMunchie]

How do you know your'e hugging a French horn player?
He croaks the national anthem when you squeeze him.

[OANST]

How do you know when you're hugging a french horn player?

The smell of feces and ball sweat becomes overwhelming.

[Josh]

How do you know when you're hugging a french horn player?
You ask him about his hobbies and have a jolly good laugh about it.

[STM]

how do you know when you're hugging a French horn player?
Well obviously you would be able to distinguish this from his appearance,
of course once he finished playing you could ask him whether or not your predictions where true!

[Phylum]

How many euphonium players does it take to change a lightbulb?

4; one to change it and 3 to explain what a euphonium is.

I'm in a special interest music program at school, so we sit around in lessons thinking up and/or sharing lame music jokes. I could go on all day, but I'll spare you. The 2 I've posted are the best I've heard in a while.