The Joke thread -

Gwan-Thwei · #**421** 03-11-2010, 06:20 PM

GOD, they called them indians back then, so I'm sorry if Custer wasn't politically correct!
I can't think of anything. Sorry.

MA · #**422** 03-11-2010, 06:22 PM

you let me down. i looked forward to your jokes. they were on my level.

Gwan-Thwei · #**423** 03-11-2010, 06:26 PM

If yo mamma jokes are considered okay, then I'll post them, otherwise I'll just be repeating jokes that appeared previously, and who wants to be the douche that has to do that?

MA · #**424** 03-11-2010, 06:29 PM

oh no, not those 'your mum' jokes. they're shite, like the angsty cunts that tell them.

i like the jokes that resemble small novels.

Gwan-Thwei · #**425** 03-11-2010, 06:36 PM

OKAY I GOT ONE!
A guy that just brok out of prison goes to a house and breaks in. He finds a couple having sex in the bedroom, and orders then man to sit on the chair. The convict ties the man up, then gets on the girl and starts breathing on her neck and playing with her ear. Then he gets a hard-on and goes to the bathroom.
While in the bathroom, the man says 'Honey, look at that guy! He's probably an escaped convict that hasn't seen a woman in years. I could tell from the way he was kissing yourt neck. He will probably kill us both if you resist him. I want you to do anything he wants, no matter how kinky or how tired you are."
The woman laughed. "Oh, he wasn't kissing on my neck, he just told me he was gay and he said he thought you were cute. I told him the vasalene was in the bathroom, and remember, be strong!"

enchilado · #**426** 03-11-2010, 06:47 PM

There's a place in North America called Internal Combustion. The natives are called Internal Combustion Injuns.

Gwan-Thwei · #**427** 03-11-2010, 06:55 PM

A little boy comes down the stairs and asks 'Daddy, what's the difference between Hypothetical and Reality?"
"Well," says the father "I could give you the book definitions, but I think it wouls be better to show an example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for 5000,000 dollars."
The little boy goes up the stairs and asks her. Then he comes back to his daddy. "Mommy said 'Hell yes I would!"
"Okay, now go ask your sister if she would have sex with the principal for 5000,000 dollars." Again the little boy goes up to ask, and again he comes back down to tell his dad what she said.
"She said 'Hell yeah!'"
"Okay, so Hypothetically we're millionares, but in reality we're living with two dirty whores."

Lord Stanley · #**428** 03-13-2010, 01:58 PM

There was once an Oddworld fan. Everybody laughed at him. And then there was Steven Hawking. (Almost) everybody respected him. Isn't the world twisted?

That's funny.

Leto · #**429** 03-13-2010, 05:20 PM

That is the stupidest shit I have ever had the misfortune to read in my entire life.

shaman · #**430** 03-14-2010, 03:52 AM

What's green and smells like pork!?

Kermit's finger.

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

Gwan-Thwei · #**431** 03-14-2010, 11:53 AM

There's this really sad guy at the bar. He looks really depressed and everything, so this truck driver goes up and drinks his drink. The depressed guy bursts into tears. The truck driver says 'Oh, God, I am so sorry. here, I'll get you another drink, I was only joking."
The depressed guy says 'No, this was just THE worst dar in my entire life. I slept past my alarm, and had to go to work late. My boss gets all pissed off and fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it's been stolen. The police say there's nothing they can do, so I called a cab. As I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet full of credit cards and money in the cab, but the cab driver just speeds away. I get into the house, i find out my wife has been cheating on me with the gardener. I go here, and then you walk up thinking you're SO funny and drink my poison."
HAHAHAHAHA!

OddjobAbe · #**432** 03-14-2010, 11:58 AM

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Gwan-Thwei · #**433** 03-14-2010, 12:01 PM

God that one is so old.
Anyway, This teacher was teaching her students about abstinence. "There are so many STD's and the rick of getting pregnant that you have to ask yourself, 'Is an Hour of pleasure worth it in the long run?'."
A girl stood up in the back. "Do you mind telling me how you make him last an hour?"

MeechMunchie · #**434** 03-14-2010, 12:03 PM

What's the difference between an African Elephant and an Indian Elephant?

About 3,000 miles.

Gwan-Thwei · #**435** 03-14-2010, 12:08 PM

OKAY I GOT ONE! This guy, let's call him Ted, tells his friend Dave that he finally worked up the courage to ask out the hot girl who works at the coffee shop. "The problem was," says Ted " that every time I worked up the nerve to ask her out, I got this huge erection and got embarrased. So, this morning, I found a solution-I duck taped my dick to my leg. That way, It wouldn't show....but it didn't work."
"Well, What happened?"
Ted shakes his head. "I walked up to her and asked her out and she said Yes....but then I kicked her inthe face."

Get it? Because he taped his dick to his leg...

OddjobAbe · #**436** 03-14-2010, 12:10 PM

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

I have a feeling I've already told those.

Josh · #**437** 03-14-2010, 12:12 PM

I really spoiled her today.

First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the hoovering and dusting.

I fucking love my car.

OddjobAbe · #**438** 03-14-2010, 12:14 PM

Why is Texas so hot?
Because of all the burning crosses.

My shittest by far.

Gwan-Thwei · #**439** 03-14-2010, 01:21 PM

A guy gets a letter in his locker:
Hi, I'm Jennifer. I know I haven't known you for very long and I shouldn't be askign for this, but I just need it so badly
I haven't had it in a while and I just need to feel it going in nice and hard and coming out good and soft
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I'm sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very gretaful if you would
I am very desperate and i need your help
You muct think I have a lot of nerve asking thsi of you, but i need to have my tongue wrappign around it and suckign its juices until it is dry
I cannot beat arounf the bushes any longer so....
can I borrow a piece of gum?

enchilado · #**440** 03-14-2010, 02:06 PM

Good on her for askign, she muct really have wanted thsi gum. I bet she'll be extremely gretaful when she has her toungue wrappign around it, suckign it juices until its dry. A rounf of applause for her.

Look, Gwan, it's not like you have bad spelling. Just proof-read and you'll be fine.

Leto · #**441** 03-14-2010, 05:49 PM

What's brown and sticky?
2girls1cup

Namida · #**442** 03-15-2010, 12:29 AM

What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on four?
The game.

Strike Witch · #**443** 03-15-2010, 03:21 AM

Why was Knight Gundam afraid of Strike Freedom Gundam?

He was wary of Strike Freedom's DRAGOONs!

Ridg3 · #**444** 03-15-2010, 04:58 AM

im gay

Ridg3 · #**445** 03-15-2010, 04:59 AM

any horny guys here

MA · #**446** 03-15-2010, 06:23 AM

:

What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on four?
The game.

you're shit.

Havoc · #**447** 03-15-2010, 03:18 PM

:

What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on four?
The game.

I hope Satan drags you down to hell and rapes your head with a 6 foot dildo previously used by Paris Hilton and Adolf Hitler while they were pissing all over each other during a game of 'kill the aids infected African infant and drink as much of its blood as possible'.

Har har.

Gwan-Thwei · #**448** 03-15-2010, 05:59 PM

I've heard this game evrery where and no one will tell me what it is!
I'm sorry If I don't spell words right occasionally, I type really fast and often in the dark so sorry!
Anyway, So this woman heard that her grandfather had just passed away, so she went to her grandmother's house to comfort her and let her grieve.
Out of curiosity, the woman asked her Grandmother how he died. "Oh, he died when we were making love on a Sunday morning."
"But two elderly people having sex surely is asking for trouble!" Said the woman, horrified.
""Oh no, we do it when the church bells ring. It's nice, soft and rythmic. In on the ding,
Out on the dong." the Grandmother wiped her eyes. "If only that dammned ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Also, GUESS WHAT ODDJOB??? I just got your joke in your signature 'It was a shit zoo!'

***Nate*** · #**449** 03-15-2010, 09:12 PM

:

I've heard this game evrery where and no one will tell me what it is!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_%28mind_game%29

:

I'm sorry If I don't spell words right occasionally, I type really fast and often in the dark so sorry!

Do you not possess a computer monitor and the ability to proofread?

Ridg3 · #**450** 03-16-2010, 01:55 AM

:

Also, GUESS WHAT ODDJOB??? I just got your joke in your signature 'It was a shit zoo!'

lulwut?