The Joke thread

[Ridg3]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

[slig# 5719]

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman standing on the top of a 20 story building.

The Englishman says to the other two "I bet you ten quid that I can drop my watch from this building and catch it at the bottom and that neither of you can."

"Alright" say the other two.

The Scotsman goes first and drops his watch, runs into the building, down the stairs to the bottom floor and outside to find his watch broken on the floor.

The Irishman then drops his watch runs into the building, into a lift and takes it down to the bottom floor and also finds his watch broken.

The Englishman drops his watch, takes the stairs down two floors, eats a sandwich, takes the lift down five more floors, has a cup of tea and takes the lift to the bottom floor walks outside and catches his watch.

How does he do it?








His watch is an hour slow.

[OddjobAbe]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

[MA]

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, while the Englishman ducks accordingly.

[slig# 5719]

A brunette walks into a bar, has a drink and leaves

A redhead walks into a bar, has a drink and leaves

A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch.

[MA]

a hypnotist hypnotises an audience of rugby players. his overweight, female helper accidentally treads on his toe during this and he yells; "fuck me!"

christ these really are shit.

[moxco]

I find it quite demeaning how someone is the punch line of a joke because of their nationality. Lawsuit!

[moxco]

Yay for cnrtl+c and cntrl+v!

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Naulahauta]

A man drives past a shore and sees a woman on the cliff's edge, standing and looking into the horizon, clearly about to jump. The man rushes to her and asks 'whoa whoa now, are you going to jump?' to which the girl says 'yes, and I've made my choice. You can't turn my head around anymore, I'm doing it now.'.
'It's not really that, I accept suicide. My brother, for one, was in a such a miserable state in his life that he made a suicide, and it was for the best. I can definitely see your point, and I understand. Sometimes there are times in life that suicide is the only option.'
'But, before you jump' Says the man. 'Don't throw your life away just like that.. How about one last blowjob?'.
'Well, I guess it can't harm anyone'.
So, they take their time to get the job done, and after all that the man, while closing his belt buckle, sighs 'My god. That was AMAZING. Seriously, wow..' to which the woman says 'Glad I could be of assistance one last time'.
The man stands up and asks 'By the way, before I go.. If I can ask... why are you jumping, anyway?'
The woman looks at the man and says 'My parents couldn't accept that I dress and talk like a woman'

[MeechMunchie]

A car battery walks into a bar and asks for a drink. 'No way,' says the barman. 'You're going to start something.'

How do you make a Christian cross?
Stamp on his foot.

How do you make a Venetian Blind?
Poke him in the eyes.

How do you get 500 Pikachus on a bus?
Pokemon.

What's the difference between a man drinking coffee and a butcher?
One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

What's the difference between a church bell and a thief?
One peals from the steeple, the other steals from the people.

The other day I bet my butcher £50 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said: 'No, the steaks are too high.'

The other day someone complimented me on my driving. They left a little note. It said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.

Still, you know what they say... Thank goodness for blinds, or it'd be curtains for us all!

LOL

[Laser]

Guy A: "Can you help me with the crossword, the clue is; busy postman."

Guy B: "How many letters?"

Guy A "Well, quite a lot I presume."

[Ridg3]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

EDIT: Not an actual joke but the results are quite funny to do on your drunk friend.

[enchilado]

I had to do it on myself because I don't have a drunk - zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzpoopooopoopoo!!!

[MA]

you just downgraded yourself.

somehow.

[OANST]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

EDIT: Not an actual joke but the results are quite funny to do on your drunk friend.

What results? Death?

[Nate]

What results? Death?

Actually, that is a potential 'yes'. If you take too many laxatives and don't maintain a good intake of water, you could put yourself in hilarious harm.

[Josh]

I've got a date for tomorrow.

10th Jan 2010.

[salty pretzils]

How does every ethnic joke begin?
With a look over your shoulder.

[Sekto Springs]

I saw this on a t-shirt. If it's old, don't tell me, I don't give a fuck - it's the first time I read it and I found it funny.

"Enough with the shampoo, demand the real poo!"

[Disgruntled Intern]

I'm posting from my phone at work, so I apologize if the format is weird. Anyway, I fucking love Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts was the only reason I ever watched SNL. Enjoy:

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
==========
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
==========
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
==========
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
decided to go home instead.
==========
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
==========
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
==========
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
==========
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
==========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
==========
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
==========
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
==========
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
==========
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
==========
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
==========
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?
==========
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
==========
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
==========
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
==========
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
==========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
==========
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
==========
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
==========
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

[abe is now!]

There are an Italianman, and Englishman and a Frenchman lost on a island. They found a lamp, they rub it and a genius comes out. He says that everybody can make a wish, but ONLY ONE. The Englishman says, I miss my London, I want to go there, and the genius esaufires it; the Frenchman says, I miss my Paris, I want to go there and he esaufires it; the Italian says, I miss my mates, I want them to come back here... and he esaufires it XP

[Disgruntled Intern]

There are an Italianman, and Englishman and a Frenchman lost on a island. They found a lamp, they rub it and a genius comes out. He says that everybody can make a wish, but ONLY ONE. The Englishman says, I miss my London, I want to go there, and the genius esaufires it; the Frenchman says, I miss my Paris, I want to go there and he esaufires it; the Italian says, I miss my mates, I want them to come back here... and he esaufires it XP

You're cute.

[slig# 5719]

I was reading the "what languages do you speak?" thread and remembered a joke a German friend once told me, so here it is:

If you speak four or more languages your Multilingual
If you speak three languages your Trilingual
If you speak two languages your Bilingual
If you speak one language your English

[Nate]

What if you haven't even learned how to spell in English?

I tease! I tease because I love.

[OddjobAbe]

A German's using a cash machine. This particular cash machine responded to voice. It asked, "Would you like to withdraw any money?"
"Nein." He responded.
"£9."
"Nein, nein!"
"£99."
"Nein! NEIN! NEIN!"
"£999."
And so forth.

[MA]

an Irish family were found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon cinema. they had been queuing for 3 weeks to see "Closed For The Winter".

[OddjobAbe]

Holy shit. I heard that one only today from a friend at work.

[Vivi]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Anal?

What goes "Woof, woof... Boom!"?

A Terrierist.

[MA]

Holy shit. I heard that one only today from a friend at work.

i got it off a mate too via text around last week. might be from one of those weekly joke things you can get.

or its just because i'm a speedy shit.

[Ridg3]

Camp Rock.

Now personally, I can't think of a better description for the Jonas Brothers.