Joke Thread v4

[sheridanm962]

Looks like a Cyanide and Happiness style flash animation.

[Nate]

It's a song from Australian comedy troupe Tripod, with animation by some guy on Newgrounds.

[MeechMunchie]

What's OANST doing on the left?

[OANST]

Do what now?

[MeechMunchie]

Oh, if they have oval glasses, curly-ish brown hair and a sort-of-beard, they're automatically you.

Didn't anyone tell you?

[Phylum]

Here's one from my Music Studies teacher today. I don't even remember how this came up.

What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in a bathtub?

Throw your laundry in

[Nate]

You're walking down the street and three tampons cross your path: a heavy flow, a medium flow, and a light flow. Which one says hello to you?

None of them. They're all stuck up cunts.

[moxco]

What's black and sits at the tops of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

[MeechMunchie]

How do you know God was French?

When he designed the human body, he put the sewage works right next to the leisure centre.

[Manco]

How do you find Will Smith after a snowstorm?

You look for fresh prints

[MeechMunchie]

This joke is terrible, but I laugh every time I hear it; Even if I'd just heard it ten seconds ago; Even if I'm the one telling it.

-

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

Because he got too close to The Edge.

[Nepsotic]

I love them types of laughably bad jokes. Stuff like
whats red and sits in a corner?
a naughty strawberry

[Nate]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up! , God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keybo
ards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted! their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[Varrok]

You must spread some reputation before giving it to Nate again

[Crashpunk]

Ahaha. Very good.

[Nate]

The disturbing thing is that I got more posreps for that terrible joke than for all of my posts for the previous fortnight.

[MeechMunchie]

What do you call a depressed watermelon?

Meloncholy.

[Hobo]

Why did the Hipster burn himself?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

[OANST]

That was funny.

[Fluff [:]

One i posted on facebook, got 130 likes haha

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

[Phylum]

Wrong forum.

[Nate]

Wrong forum.

I think you need to re-read Alcar's signature.

[MeechMunchie]

To be read in your best "hoarse, beard-muffled rabbi" voice

A Jewish couple are soon to be married, but the man's fiancée is far more Orthodox than he is. The wedding is to be held at her ultra-Orthodox synagogue. The man loves his wife-to-be dearly, so he gets up early the day before the wedding to meet with her rabbi and make sure he doesn't do anything wrong.

The rabbi is strict but fairly helpful, and most of the man's concerns about the wedding are quickly dealt with. There are, however, a few contentious issues.

"At the wedding, will I be able to eat with my wife?"
"No! At an Orthodox wedding, the men eat with the men, and the women eat with the women."
"Oh, that's a shame. Still, I'll look forward to our dance. Can I dance with my wife?"
"In the house of God? Never! At an Orthodox wedding, the men dance with the men, and the women dance with the women!"
"Good gracious! I'm starting to doubt I'll be able to do anything with my wife at all. What about the wedding night... ?"

The rabbi raises an eyebrow and leans back in his chair.

"You have... concerns?"
"I suppose. I mean, positions..."

The man blushes a little.

"I take it that the missionary position, man on top; That's fine, is it."
"Yes, of course."
"And if she's on top, that's okay?"
"Yes, that's fine."
"Okay... What about if I'm behind her?"
"Well, there's nothing in the scrolls against it. You'll be married, after all."

They both smile slightly.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. Heck, we might even do it standing up!"

The rabbi's smile collapses, he slams his hands on the desk, and shouts:

"Absolutely not! That could lead to dancing!"

[MA]

i mugged an old lady.

[Mac Sirloin]

I got a joke for you, how many dead niggers does it take to protect this town?

NOT ENOUGH

(At this point you make a shotgun cocking motion and give your nipples a tender stroke)

Haha! Zing!

[OddjobAbe]

My old mother became a recluse after being mugged and ended up with vitamin D deficiency, later dying from pneumonia.

[STM]

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

[OANST]

Now that's a joke I would tell.

[MA]

My old mother became a recluse after being mugged and ended up with vitamin D deficiency, later dying from pneumonia.

thats the best one yet, tell us another one!

[OddjobAbe]

I have a million of them. Buy me a drink, and I'll tell you some more.