An Oddchat Story
OANST: this is boring
OANST: be less boring
Max_the_Mug: Tell us a story.
Alf: I have a Star Wars monopoly board game
Max_the_Mug: He said less boring.
Oanst: what sort of story would you like?
Oanst: fiction?
T-NeX: About a cat
OANST: about a cat, eh?
OANST: okay
OANST: I will tell a story about a cat.
Max_the_Mug: And the challenge is
Max_the_Mug: There are to be no bins in the story.
Zulag: it has to involve a purple hat
OANST: I can do that
Alf: I have to be in the story too
OANST: oh great
OANST: on the phone give me a sec
T-NeX: aw maaan
Zulag: I was getting all excited to see this place becoming less boring
OANST: There is an alley that no man has ever been down.
Max_the_Mug: How did they build it?
OANST: No man built the alley, and yet it exists
Zulag: oooh
T-NeX: did mudokons do it?
OANST: I'M GETTING THERE SHUT UP
Zulag: shush
Max_the_Mug: >:(
T-NeX: sushi
Max_the_Mug changes topic to 'OANST is telling a story! Gather round!'
Zulag not you extreme sports callendar
Max_the_Mug:
OANST: on the phone
Zulag: damn!
Zulag: kill that phone!
Max_the_Mug: That's fine, we'll just amuse ourselves.
Alf: Dum dee dum dum
OANST: The surrounding structures were built by men, yes, but no one knows how the walls of the alley were erected. They just are.
OANST: In this alley there are no bins.
OANST: If there are no bins, there is no trash.
Max_the_Mug: I see what you did here.
OANST: Thus, despite the lack of human traffic, there are few creatures who call the alley home.
OANST: One such creature is a cat named Alf, and this is his story.
OANST: someone else take over for a bit
OANST: I have work to do at the moment
Max_the_Mug: You do work?
OANST: sometimes
Max_the_Mug: Scraby! Take over!
OANST: Mostly they just pay me for nothing
Alf: Scraby?
OANST: Now, Alf is no ordinary cat. Nor was he always an alley cat.
OANST: Years before he had been sole confidant of a reluctant pimp by the name of Andre.
OANST: Andre had no desire to slap a bitch.
Max_the_Mug: Welcome to OddChat, ODDWORLDisTHEbest!!
OANST: Truth be told, he wanted to save them. He wanted to take each of them to NA, AA, and whatever meeting they may need. He would then dream of seeing the gleam of gratitude in their eyes as they began to live a respectable life.
OANST: But that wasn't feasible.
OiTb: whyd yous change the channel on me?
OANST: A ho expects to be slapped.
OANST: Hell, a ho needs to be slapped.
OANST: It's the only love a ho needs, and the only love a ho wants.
OiTb: are you writing a novel?
Max_the_Mug: Protip: Topic
OiTb: oh
OANST: So Andre hid his feelings down low and confessed them only to Alf in the evenings when he was certain that they were alone.
OANST: At this time, Alf was merely a cat. Well, it isn't fair to refer to any creature as "merely" anything, but the fact stands that Alf was not self aware.
OANST: This all changed on a fateful Tuesday in November.
OANST: Someone else now
OiTb: whats been happening, ive not been here
OiTb: a quick sum up anyone?
OANST: no
Laser: Sup Gs and Hustlas
OiTb: oanst is telling a story
OiTb: was anyway
Laser: Oh really Old and Not So Tasty?
Laser: Is this a story you tell your daughter or us Jaded internet users?
Max_the_Mug: He keeps having to "work".
Max_the_Mug: Welcome to OddChat, Ridg3!
Max_the_Mug: I expect he'll get back to us shortly.
OANST: The snow was falling in lazy looping scrawls.
OANST: It was a pleasant night to be inside.
Ridg3: Holy shit, it's busy here tonight.
Zulag: byebye guys
Zulag: I'm going to sleep
Ridg3: Did I offend you?
Zulag: loved the story tho
OANST: The fire crackled in a way that set all of Andre's bling to shining, and it was this that saved Alf's life.
Laser: QUESTION
Max_the_Mug: Night night, Xav!
Alf: G'night
Laser: What colour nose hair does Andre have?
OANST: black.
Laser: fair enough
Max_the_Mug: What colour nose hair wouldn't be fair enough?
Laser: carry on, good sir
Laser: Red or purple
Max_the_Mug: Racist.
Laser: is it racist if the colour of said human is impossible?
OANST: As Alf dozed on the floor, the sparkles from Andre's neck bling caught his eye, but then so did something else.
OANST: There was a face in the window.
OANST: The eyes were cruel, and the mouth drawn down in a grimace.
OANST: Curious, Alf walked towards the window, intent on discovering what was out there.
OANST: Just as he crouched, ready to jump to the ledge, the window shattered.
OANST: Glass was everywhere, and then fire.
OANST: Andre rose from his resting place, engulfed in flames.
OANST: A scream like nothing Alf had ever heard emanated from the mouth of the man who had loved and cared for him for years.
OANST: The scream ended and Andre tried to suck in air to expel another.
OANST: The flames penetrated his mouth, and flooded his throat, his lungs, his very soul.
OANST: Andre pitched forward and screamed no more.
OANST: Is everyone enjoying my tale?
OiTb: yes
OANST: you would
Laser: who's the cat, alf or andre
OANST: Alf
Laser: I think it's a fine tale
Laser: Do you know what? The internet is an amazing place. I bet not 40 years ago when the russians thought this shit up, would they imagine a group of 8 people would be told a story by a man who lives in a town 1000s of miles away
Laser: ok, continue
Alf: Nice tale OANST
Max_the_Mug: What about the alley!
OANST: That is a cool thought.
OANST: We'll get there!
Max_the_Mug: OK!
Max_the_Mug: And the purple hat!
OANST: Alf stared at the charring body, frozen by fear and desperation.
OANST: The hat comes in very soon
OANST: It's impossible to say how long Alf would have stood there, transfixed by the flames, if not for a stray spark that bit his nose.
OANST: Startled by the searing pain, Alf darted towards the door, running into the hat stand that stood by it.
OANST: So frightened was Alf that the force of his little body caused the hat stand to wobble precariously and then finally tumble.
Laser: One question: Will this be put into a thread on the Fan Corner?
OANST: I wouldn't even know how to save all of this.
Laser: Fair enough
Max_the_Mug: I can send you the transcript.
OANST: Oh, yeah?
Max_the_Mug: Yes, if you ask nicely.
OANST: might as well, I guess.
Max_the_Mug: I think you should.
OANST: Oh pretty pwease
Max_the_Mug: Awww, oh go on then.
Laser: If you get the transcript OANST, make sure its on fan corner. we need some Fanciction not involving Oddworld characters
Laser: *fan fiction
OANST: As it fell, Andre's most prized pimp hat, a purple beauty with a fine Ostrich feather in it, landed on Alf, completely covering him.
Laser: laters all.
OANST: This only added to Alf's confusion and fear.
OANST: "I must run", he screamed.
OANST: "I must go. I must flee. I must away", he yelped.
Max_the_Mug: In cat language?
OANST: It did not occur to him that he was using words.
OANST: Or that his thoughts had become more coherent.
OANST: He had never had a coherent thought, and therefor had nothing to hold his current thoughts up against.
OANST: We must forgive him his lack of realization that he had the capacity to realize, seeing as he was in a fairly tight spot, and quite desperate at the time.
OANST: With his eyes pinched shut he finally said to himself, "Self. We're in a spot of bother here, But if we think, and act rationally, we may yet escape".
OANST: Slowly, he forced his eyes open.
OANST: Confusion struck him like a wave.
OANST: There was no hat covering him.
OANST: Furthermore, he was seeing the room from a different angle than he was used to.
OANST: Looking down, he realised that he was standing on his back legs.
OANST: It wasn't hard, and it wasn't uncomfortable. Hell, it felt damn natural!
OANST: He looked up again, and scanned his surroundings.
OANST: His eyes stopped on the hall mirror, and he stumbled towards it as if in a stupor, amazement clearly painted on his face as if by an artist.
OANST: On his head was the hat.
OANST: He wasn't bigger.
OANST: He was still regular Alf the cat size, but the hat fit him perfectly. It even had slits, allowing his ears to stick out above the brim.
OANST: That's it for now, I think.
OANST: I covered all the objects and themes that were given to me.
Alf: very good
__________________
My bowels hurt.
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