Dunderville
“The Weight is Over”
Written by Matthew Seeger
Edited by Kai Fern
(black screen with white text) Disclaimer: The thoughts and feelings expressed by Matt and Alan respectively do not at all reflect those of the producers who, frankly, agree with everything they say.
And if this offends anyone, we're probably laughing at you. So I guess they do. Suck on that.
Opening scene
(Fade in)
(Interior of the house) Owen is sitting in his easy chair reading the Dunderville Times. He looks out the living room window at an unruly and exaggeratedly overgrown yard. A robin swoops down and lands in a tree branch (the tree mostly obscured by grass), and chirps for a moment. A large python curls out of the top of the grass and snatches the bird, pulling it back into the grass in a flurry of feathers.
Owen: (sighs) “Matt! The lawn hasn’t been mowed in three years! I swear to god, we’ve got our own ecosystem living in there!”
Matt: (in another room) “Yeah, I know, Owen! But what’s the point of living in the south if we can’t look the part?”
Owen: “Seriously, I’m not ****ing around here! I was walking down the driveway to get to work last night, and I could swear I was almost sideswiped by a rhinoceros!”
Matt: (comes into the room, jumps over the couch and sits.) “Feh, nothing a few traps can’t handle. (Pauses) And… maybe a few… landmines.”
Owen: (slams the paper angrily) “No, we’re not putting land mines in the yard! What you’re going to do is get off your colossal duff and mow, because I personally don’t want to be seen walking into a house that looks like an ad for hair tonic!”
Matt: (enters the room) "Nuh uh. I mowed it last week. It’s your turn, turkey roast.”
Owen: “No you didn’t! It’s never been mowed!!”
Matt: “Hey, the absence of proof is not the proof of absence!”
Owen: “Absence of proof?! The grass is twelve feet tall, and we’ve got tapirs grazing along the driveway!”
Matt: “Your mom is a twelve feet tall tapir…”
Owen: “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
Matt: “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?! I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT NOT CARING TO CARE ABOUT CARING …ABOUT… CARE!”
Owen: (blank stare)”… uh, whah?”
Matt: “That’s what she said.”
Owen: “(sighs) Are you gunna mow or not?”
Matt: “No, you do it.”
Owen: “I can’t do it!”
Matt: “Yes you can! You just have to believe in yourself!” (The opening theme to The Lion King is playing faintly, then “errks” to a halt)
Owen: “No, I mean I am physically incapable. Look at my hands. See any thumbs there? I am thumbless. Nada thumbo. Thumbs equal zero”
Matt: “Good point. (Pauses) Heeeey, wait a second. How are you holding a paper?”
Owen: “I put it between my fingers. Paper’s a little easier to manage than a pull-cord. Besides, I have hollow bones, and the minute I’d turn that thing on, I’d get dragged around like a ragdoll.”
Matt: “Point taken. (sighs) Well, someone’s gonna have to mow, and it ain’t gonna be me.”
Owen: “You’re really heart set on not getting up, aren’t you?”
Matt: “Damn strizz-aight. That’s my right as a freeloading American. Get someone else to do it.”
Owen: “Yeah? And who would that ‘someone else’ be?”
(Pauses)
Matt: (looks back and hollars) “Alan! Lawn!”
(Scene changes to Alan Michaelson’s room. Its walls are covered in various posters featuring Rob Zombie, Seether, and Slipknot. Al’s got his headphones on full blast, listening to Thousand Foot Crutch’s “Move” (which is toned way down and made to sound like it’s playing in his headphones). His head is bobbing to the rhythm)
Matt: (same clip as before, but toned down) “Alan! Lawn!”
(Alan looks up, and to his door)
Matt: (now yelling impatiently) “AL!”
(Alan tears off his headphones)
Alan: “God, what?!”
Matt: (other room, muffled) “Mow the lawn!”
Alan: “No, **** you!” (Puts his headphones back on.)
(Scene changes back to the living room)
Matt: (Turns back to look at Owen) “Well, he does make a compelling argument.”
Owen: “Listen, pork pot, I’m not going near that death trap on wheels. Do it yourself! I mean, look at it. What do you suppose the neighbors think of us?”
(Scene change, neighbor’s house, close shot of a wide window. Neighbor is looking across the street at Matt’s house through binoculars.)
Neighbor: (lowers binoculars) “Tsk, tsk, tsk.”
(The same snake from the opening scene rises and strikes with a frightening hiss.)
Neighbor: (is knocked to the ground, snake pounces) “AUGH! AAAAUUUGH! OH, GOD! AAAUGH! ?! AAAUGH!! OH HECK, IT’S UP TO MY NECK! OH DREAD, IT’S UP TO MY HEA--MFFM! MMMMMMGH!! MMMMGH!!” (muffled words and screams)
(Scene changes back to the living room. Matt is watching the neighbor's plight from the window)
Matt: "Heh heh, dumb bastard. Now… what were you saying?”
Owen: “Go mow the lawn!"
Matt: "****, no!"
Owen: “Okay. You know what? Fine, don’t mow the lawn. Just sit there on your ass”
Matt: “I intend to.”
Owen: “Fine then!”
Matt: “Yeah, fine!”
Owen: “All righty.”
Long pause…
Matt: (slumped and forlorn) “Okay, I’ll do it.”
Owen claps.
Matt: “You know that I own this house, right? I could just throw you out.”
Owen: (smugly) “Then do it.”
Matt: (pauses) “I can’t. I need you around to keep the squirrels off the feeders.”
(Scene transition, out in the lawn. The grass is completely cut, and Matt is slumped over the lawnmower, which has rammed into a tree and halted. The mower’s body is completely totaled, and crunched up. Matt is sweating profusely.)
Alan: “You okay, dude?”
Matt: (gasping for breath and panting) “Yeah, I’m just… (Chokes and gasps) out of breath. What a ride.”
Alan: “You don’t look so good.”
Matt: “I’m fine, I’m… (Gasps) a little winded, that’s all.”
Alan: “You’re really out of shape, pal. Maybe we should work out someplace.”
Matt: “Whoa, whoa. You don’t mean ‘exercise,’ do you? We do not use the E word in this house!”
Alan: “Well, truthfully, it wouldn’t kill you to lose a few extra pounds.”
Matt: “I live in the USA. This country is molded around suiting the needs of overweight people. Homer Simpson, John Goodman, Jackie Gleeson, Paris Hilton, Santa Claus.”
Alan: “Baldercrap! You and I are both gonna join a gym. There’s one that opened a few months ago on Grover Street, right by the Burger Jerk. (pauses). Hey! After a hard work out, we can buy deep fried milkshakes to reward ourselves”
Matt: “Yeah, we’ll be soooo thin…”
Matt enters a dazey day dream of what it’d be like if he was. He’s shaped like a T with arms, legs and a head. He’s sitting in a red convertible being driven by Owen in a chauffeur outfit with two hot super models in bikinis. A parade scene reminiscent of the Kennedy celebration the day he was assassinated. Rent-a-cops are struggling to keep back a screaming flood of teenage girls.
Teenage Girl 1: “Oh my god! It’s Matt! TAKE MY VIRGINITY NOW!”
Teenage Girl 2: “I love how I heard about you!”
Teenage Girl 3: “I know Ben Stiller!”
Matt: “Aah, it’s good to be king of the world.”
Owen: “Indeed, master. Would you look to help yourself to some gold?”
Owen pulls a lever and a compartment opens in the back full of golden treasure.
Matt: “Don’t mind if I do”
He grabs a handful and rubs it on himself.
He snaps out of his dream and looks around. He's clasping a chipmunk, which is gnawing on his hand.
Matt: “Aw.” (Tosses the chipmunk back, chipmunk screams)
(The two walk back in the house)
Matt: “Completely unrelated, but can you check back along the right side of the house? I think I ran over a cat.”
(End of scene, fade to black)
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Last edited by Dipstikk; 04-21-2006 at 02:29 PM..
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