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  #1  
12-09-2008, 06:58 PM
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The Old Outlaw (my FanFic)

Okay, i have been working on this story for aout a week now, and i'm going to post the first part of it, i will update this later whenever i continue work on this.

Ol' Tim
act 1


They stalked slowly through the land by night, quiet as the wind. The leader called for a halt whenever they were standing outside of a gigantic gate. "Listen up, you little rats!" said Ol' Tim, the sharpshooter."I know a couple of you are wonderin' in your small heads what we are doin' here. And to fill you in, we are going to raid the Gun and Ammo store." A small "woo-hoo!" of approval came from his gang, and they quickly headed towars the gate. He sent one of his best men, a nailer, to go open the gate. After a few minutes of awkward silence, he heard a "BW-KAW-". And then the only other sound was the sound of the gate slowly creaking open. The rest of the gang slowly rushed through, making sure to stick to the shadows as Ol' Tim said, until the reached the right place. One of the idiots in his gang, Billy-Joe, tripped over a can, and then almost fell on a fuzzle, which would of tore him alive. Ol' Tim gave him a smack on the beck of the head to keep him from screwing anything up."Ok, now that we are here, we can continue with the plans." The gang scattered around the small store, and Ol' Tim, three shooters and two nailers walked into the store, while the rest guarded the area, to warn the boss of any problems. The nailers headed to the counter and got all the money they could find, while the shooters ran around collecting anything that they thought was of value, while Ol' Tim slowly crept upstairs. He crept slowly crept into the owner's room, Fred, to exact his revenge. He placed a bit of dried up meat around Fred, and then dropped two rabid fuzzles onto the bed. After a small snicker of what he knew was to come, he hurried down stairs and rounded up his gang. Whenever he got down there, he saw the nailers holding a abnormally fat clacker, probably the son of Fred."What in tarnations are you-" he was interupted by the nailer when he punched him in the chest, and the Store owner's son heaved."Now listen you little boy, your lucky I feel particularly nice tonight. Now scurry into that room, or i'll have your hide hangin' up from my wall." The clakker quickly nodded and ran off, and the gang slowly headed out. Whenever they got out of the town with all the loot and closed the gate, they checked what all they got."L'esse." said Ol' Tim,"We gots some guns, a few rounds of amo, about one hundred moolah, and...a box of dynami...Ah never mind, pick it up and we can split up the loot back at our hideout." They quickly followed orders and ran off, and by dawn, the clakkerz were in quite a comotion.


I should have act two up in a couple of days, but feel free to give any negative or posative comments.
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  #2  
12-12-2008, 04:46 AM
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It helps if you split it into paragraphs and take a like when a character speaks
"Like this,"
that way its easier to read. What I gathered was that a fat guy got punched, awesome.
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  #3  
12-12-2008, 02:51 PM
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yeah i'll improve on that whenever i finish the next one, and it'll be longer. And yes, a fat guy did get punched.
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  #4  
12-13-2008, 08:08 AM
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Happy

I'll follow this story

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  #5  
12-13-2008, 08:45 AM
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The Next Day
act 2


Whenever Billy-Jay entered the town, it was in chaos. People were running around, telling everyone about this new "outlaw" who robbed the Gun and Ammo store. Trying to get filled in, he walked up to the closest clakker.
"Hey, what the hell is goin' on?" He asked, looked down at him.

"You didn't hear? Some outlaw, goes by the name Ol' Tim, robbed, the Gun and Ammo store last night, and stole everything. Now we don't got no guns to defend ourselves! It's horrible!" said the clacker.

"Alright then. Can you point me in the direction of the bounty store then?" The clakker pointed westward, and Billy-Jay headed off.

Once he walked into the bounty store, the clerk was sleeping and leaning back in his chair. So he smacked his fist down on the counter, and the startled clerk awoke, and fell backwards, almost breaking the chair. "Hey, how can I help yo-" the clerk was interupted by Billy-Jay's booming voice.

"I hear there's a new outlaw in town, by the name of Ol' Tim, i'm gonna take him down. How much will I get?" he asked impatiently.

"Uh lets see uh..." the idiotic clakker was trying to do the math in his hand until Billy-Jay slammed his fist down onto the table and the clakker quickly said,"About a thousand moolah!"

"Alright. I'll be back soon. Hehe."He slowly walked out of the bounty store.

After a long walk out of town, he saw a rag-tag type of fort, with about two or three dozen men inside. "Might be tougher then I thought." He said to himself. So he decided to go back to town to see if he could get atleast two men to come and help him with this bounty. So whenever he walked back to town and he was almost dying of thirst, he walked up to a pair of somewhat strong looking clakkerz, who had guns. "Hey, you two. You know how to use those guns?" they nodded. "Good, your coming with me then to bounty Ol' Tim. We'll split the moolah three ways."

"WHAT!? ARE YOU GOD DAUM CRAZY!?" the left one said.

"Hey, Joe, grab hold of your self idiot!" the right one slapped him across the face.

"So are you two in or what?" asked Billy-Jay. They nodded.

AGAIN, he walked back to the fort of the outlaws, and, sense it was nightfall, told the others to set up a small camp in the high grass. They set up a tent, and, being so tired from all the walking, they fell asleep almost instantly.

"I got's ya!" said a rough voice, and Billy-Jay looked up. He and the other two clakkerz were surrounded by outlaws, about half a dozen. "You surrender or else we'll gut you all!" the outlaw said.

"Over my dead body, punk!" said Billy-Jay, and pulled out his shot gun.

"It's gonna be a fun night..." said the outlaw with a grin.

(And if you didn't already know, Billy-Jay is a clakker, except bulkier and a bit taller, so he's more "Athletic" then most of his kind.)
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  #6  
12-19-2008, 12:16 AM
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Ooh, the spacing makes it better 8>. And awesome, a non-cowardly clakker, I thought he was gonna be another Stranger!clone for a moment there, grats on fooling me xD.
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