THE BRUTAL BALLAD OF FANGUS KLOT

strangerdanger92 · #1 05-29-2007, 12:27 PM

CHAPTER 1:THE BEGINING OF THE END
This grim tale begins in the darkest part of Oddworld in a little field. In this little field there was a farm and in it lived a Shepard who's name was Fangus Klot. Fangus was a peaceful shepard, who didn't talk very much. As a kid he was abandoned at a farm, as he got older his foster dad taught him a lot about guns and how to take care of himself. When Fangus reached the age of 25 he joined the army. At the age of 30 he retired and took over his foster parents's farm. He loved taking care of his flock and fending off any predators that came there way. Until one day something changed, one of the oaots (oddworld goat) went missing. Afraid of what might have happened to it, he went to find it. He searched high and low for it, finally he found some tracks leading back to the field, so he followed them. When he got there everything was normal, his flock was grazing, the farm seemed to be OK. He was calming down to the fact that maybe the oaot came back. While walking back to his flock, he heard something in the bushes curiously he went to see what it was, expecting a fuzzle or something "he peeked in" and there it was, a rabid oaot staring him strait in the eye, it's lifeless eyes and bood stained fangs filled Fangus with terror, saliva was dripping from his mouth and it's fur all matted. Then with one huge leap, it latched on to fangus neck, its teeth sinking deeper and deeper! Fangus tried to pull it of, but it was no use. An overwhelming feeling came over him, he could feel the disease rushing through his body! He felt weak and as the rabid oaot detached itself and ran off, Fangus blacked out.

strangerdanger92 · #2 05-29-2007, 01:45 PM

CHAPTER 2:THE INVADERS COMETH
Fangus finally awoke, his flock was gathered around him. He got up wondering how long he'd been out. Running through his mind was the vicious flashbacks. He ran to his hut to clean his wound, but when he looked in the mirror, it was gone not even a scar, like it never happened. Confused, his mind searched for all the logical explanations, "maybe it was a bad dream" "no, it was too real and i can still feel it in my body" There was something different about this disease, it felt like there was anger pulsing through him. He had to find some way to get rid of it. KABOOM!!!!!!!
Fangus heard something that sounded like a bomb drop. He quickly ran outside to see what happened, he jumped out the door and there he saw huge ships hovering above, the skies were dark grey, smoke and fire everywhere. Then something dropped from one of the ships, like a small capsule heading right to his flock. He ran to save them, but it was too late. the capsule had fell but not on them, beside them, the capsule then started opening, and out of it came some kind of toxic gas. It engulfed the oaot flock. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" fangus yelled, he felt rage growing in his body. The gas then evaporated, revealing that the the oaots were OK, but mutated in to diseased oaots like the one that infected him. When the diseased flock saw Fangus. They ran to him, fangus thought that this was his end. When they got to him they did not kill him, they could actually smell the disease in him. They were his flock again. As he looked around him, there were people crying for help, screams everywhere. It was there he knew he and his rabid flock had to stop these invaders once and for all.

strangerdanger92 · #3 05-29-2007, 04:43 PM

CHAPTER 3:LET THE HUNT BEGIN PART 1
Fangus loaded up all his weapons he used for hunting, gathered his flock, packed food and water. The hunt was on, fangus expected a long journey so he was prepared for anything. First he had to get a map and there was only one person with the map of all of oddworld, the Gysor. The Gysor lived in the oddworld caverns, he was also the oldest and meanest steef in oddworld. Some say hes been alive since the beginning of oddworld. He traveled everywhere. Now he just lays low in the caverns. Fangus and the flock finally made it half way, it was getting dark. So he set up camp by a little river the sound of the rippling water put the diseased oaots right to sleep, but Fangus could not sleep. This disease was giving him violent nightmares. The rest of the night he just stared at the stars. so many thoughts were going through he's head. "Where did these invaders come from, why are they attacking" fangus then remembered what his dad had taught him in his childhood "do not judge before u know, everything has a purpose for what it does" Head filled with thoughts and memories, Fangus finally fell asleep but the nightmares were getting worse, people dieing allaround him, darkness everywhere and a huge monster chasing him. But there was something familiar about this monster. Fangus woke to the sound of a woman screaming. The eerie sound was coming from the woods. He quickly got up and ran to her rescue, armed with automatic in one hand and a hand gun in the other. But before he could get to her, a shot rang out and everything went silent.
fangus determined to find her yelled "Miss, Miss where are you" Then listing closely, he heard a weak voice "over here beside the tree" fangus found a lady clakker on the ground, with a bullet hole in her chest. "Who done this too you miss" said fangus softly "Before the invaders attacked they announced something in new yolk city, their leader Stryker said they were from a place called...Earth" she said with her last breath. fangus buried her body and went back to camp, his flock had been bathing in the river. He packed up and continued their journey.
Along the way his heart started pounding very hard, he fell to his knees in pain. "WHATS HAPPING TO ME" fangus said painfully. Then it finally started slowing down, back to normal he got up and continued on. "I have to find the Gysor soon" he thought.

strangerdanger92 · #4 05-29-2007, 05:20 PM

there i improved it

skillya_glowi · #5 05-29-2007, 07:12 PM

Interesting! Although I do believe this should be moved to Non-Oddworld Art and Literature (maybe it's my anti-Fangus-ness or the fact that The Brutal Ballad of Fangus Klot was never set on Oddworld), I don't remember seeing much Fangus fanfiction. It's a good start, though I would have to say that chapters that are a paragraph long aren't very logical. I would try being a tad more descriptive, perhaps expand on Fangus' background a little, you know, give a bit more detail as to what he's feeling. Also divide the quotes up into separate lines and use an indentation or blank line between paragraphs. Other than that, I think you're on the right track.

strangerdanger92 · #6 05-29-2007, 07:15 PM

:

Interesting! Although I do believe this should be moved to Non-Oddworld Art and Literature (maybe it's my anti-Fangus-ness or the fact that The Brutal Ballad of Fangus Klot was never set on Oddworld), I don't remember seeing much Fangus fanfiction. It's a good start, though I would have to say that chapters that are a paragraph long aren't very logical. I would try being a tad more descriptive, perhaps expand on Fangus' background a little, you know, give a bit more detail as to what he's feeling. Also divide the quotes up into separate lines and use an indentation or blank line between paragraphs. Other than that, I think you're on the right track.

thanks
this is actually my first story.

Reiji Neko Mitsukai · #7 05-29-2007, 08:37 PM

The ending of the first chapter scared me a bit. And having Earthlings being the bad guys is a great twist- since we've never really learned the story of Fangus, you've pretty much got free reign here. I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

Otherwise, I pretty much agree with skillya- the chapters need to be much longer and more descriptive, and the grammar and punctuation could use some work, but it has potential.

strangerdanger92 · #8 05-29-2007, 08:42 PM

:

The ending of the first chapter scared me a bit. And having Earthlings being the bad guys is a great twist- since we've never really learned the story of Fangus, you've pretty much got free reign here. I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

Otherwise, I pretty much agree with skillya- the chapters need to be much longer and more descriptive, and the grammar and punctuation could use some work, but it has potential.

thanks
grammer isn't really my best subject
ill add some stuff to the chapters.other than that im glad you like it.
like i said its my first story.

skillya_glowi · #9 05-29-2007, 08:45 PM

I see you added a bit of family history. It's getting better, but the sentences are still kinda choppy. Try to give it some sort of flowing motion, a texture of sorts perhaps...

strangerdanger92 · #10 05-29-2007, 08:50 PM

:

I see you added a bit of family history. It's getting better, but the sentences are still kinda choppy. Try to give it some sort of flowing motion, a texture of sorts perhaps...

see thats my problem iv never been really good with that stuff.
you think you could help me.

skillya_glowi · #11 05-29-2007, 09:03 PM

Maybe. Why don't you drop me a PM, and we'll go from there

strangerdanger92 · #12 05-29-2007, 09:05 PM

:

Maybe. Why don't you drop me a PM, and we'll go from there

ok... lets pretend i don't know what that is.

Reiji Neko Mitsukai · #13 05-29-2007, 09:14 PM

Here's what I did:

1. Find a good novel and observe sentence structure, wording, and punctuation use. Find a sentence you like and change it using different words and see how that sounds to you. It also helps to do research on sentence structure and such to get a better understanding. It may seem a bit overloading at first, but it'll get easier the more you work on it.

2. Practice, practice, practice! I can't stress that enough. I've spent the past 12 years getting where I am now, and the change is pretty obvious when you compare my first works with my writings today.

strangerdanger92 · #14 05-29-2007, 09:15 PM

cool thanks.

skillya_glowi · #15 05-29-2007, 09:15 PM

:

ok... lets pretend i don't know what that is.

PM = private message.

strangerdanger92 · #16 05-29-2007, 09:17 PM

:

PM = private message.

god i should have knew that!

LadySlig · #17 05-29-2007, 09:30 PM

Well I like the story so far, it certainly shows you how bad rabies can get! It reminds me of Black Sheep...

strangerdanger92 · #18 05-30-2007, 01:17 PM

before i go further with the story.
im gonna work on what i have for a few.

Creepy Doc · #19 05-30-2007, 07:11 PM

Earthlings being the bad guys of this all is an interesting idea. I like this story so far.

skillyaslig · #20 05-30-2007, 10:30 PM

Yes, though people are bad anyways! Good story SD92!

strangerdanger92 · #21 05-30-2007, 11:05 PM

thanks guys

skillya_glowi · #22 05-31-2007, 05:06 PM

:

Yes, though people are bad anyways!

No, they're not.

strangerdanger92 · #23 06-14-2007, 08:36 PM

i got writers block >_<

Reiji Neko Mitsukai · #24 06-15-2007, 12:36 PM

Happens to all of us. Jot down little ideas somewhere you'll find them later and eventually you'll find one that'll work.

strangerdanger92 · #25 06-15-2007, 01:44 PM

thanx dude

Flamefox · #26 06-16-2007, 04:14 AM

Hmmm, interesting story there...

Reiji Neko Mitsukai · #27 06-16-2007, 10:37 PM

:

thanx dude

I'm female. And you're welcome.

strangerdanger92 · #28 06-23-2007, 05:42 PM

still tryin to improve the story
sorry its taken so lone ^_^