Mullocks Return

[kjjcarpenter]

I have decided to make a story involving Abe, Munch and Molluck so let it begin.

Chapter 1:Backstory
'Kill him' yelled Molluck to the slig.
'Yeah' said the slig.
The slicer opens below Abe and Abe is screaming for his life.
'No!' screamed Abe.
Suddenly a lightning bolt hits the slig.
'What the hell!' yelled Molluck.
A lightning bolt then hits Molluck but due to him having some strong material the suite obsorbs the energy and Molluck faints due to the shock. Big Face appears and sends Abe to a safe place.
Molluck jumbs up and is confused to see Abe has disaperied. He gets up and runs as fast as he can (not very fast due to shock) to his Security Fone and says to the Security slig
'Abe, lightning bolt, it was Abe' said Molluck 'Tell my brother to take over the Brewery and Mines.'
'Sir are you ok?' asked the slig.
'Of course' said Molluck.
'I will order a train to come get you' said the slig.
"No' said Molluck.
Molluck turns off the fone gets one of his remaining sligs to dress him and makes a run for it.
After journering far he found an old factory East of Mudos cause he new Rupture Farms wasnt safe for Margaret just wants him dead now. When he arived a news report came on and he learned that his SoulStorm Mining Company was blown to smitherines, at this time he almost went through the roof.
'10 years of mining gone to wast!!!' yelled Molluck.
As time went on he learned of the destruction off his SoulStorm Brewery.
'100 000 000 000 Moolah down the drain' screamed Molluck.
Molluck knew he must do something but with the Magog On The March out there he couldnt do anything without them knowing so he planted a bomb there and watched The Magog On The March blow into bits. He returned to Rupture Farms and began work on trying to get it back up and running with his sligs. Not long later he learned that Magaret was dying and knew with her gone he could run the world, but he also found out Abe helped the last Gabbit escape.
He rang the Vykkers on the Fone and told them to hide the Modokon mom Sam in the depest part of Rupture Farms and they did. Not long after he found out Abe and Munch had won against the Vykkers and was glad he has the Modokon mom
'Kill all the remaining Vykkers and Interns slig 40926' said Molluck.
'Yes sir' said slig 40926.
Molluck knew it was time for his plan to come true.

Chapter 2:Mollucks Plan COMING SOON!

[odd chick]

Hmmm....this chapter definitely could've been better. You could've thickened the plot up a bit-you just gave a summary of the three parts of the quintology (that have been released so far), and didn't quite show the emotion that Molluck felt from hearing/seeing how Abe blew up the mines/ brewery and how Abe and Munch defeated the Vykkers. For example, where you put "Molluck jumbs up and runs to his Security Fone and says to the Security slig...", you could've put something like, "Feeling numb and very dizzy, Mullock slowly picks himself up off of the floor. He looks around the area, seeing his slig assistant lying next to him. He is dead. Trying to grasp exactly what has happened to both his assistant and him, Molluck looks up to the cell where Abe was chained earlier. He notices that Abe is gone. Fearing that Abe somehow has something to do with the death of his assistant and his own injuries, Molluck runs to his Security Fone and makes a desperate call to a security slig..." I know it seems a bit long, but a statement such as this would have brought out Molluck's emotions and personality a bit more. However, the whole idea of the story is very good-I hope you'll continue with it because it sounds interesting. I hope you're not offended-I was only trying to help.

[Leto]

No to critisize, but I refer you to 'The Reluctant Outlaw'.

[kjjcarpenter]

Im not offended at all but that was only the backstory just l;etting you know abit I will edit it and post Chapter 2 very soon!

[Leto]

No to critisize, but I refer you to 'The Reluctant Outlaw'.

I refer you to that quote...

[odd chick]

Im not offended at all but that was only the backstory just l;etting you know abit I will edit it and post Chapter 2 very soon!

Ok, I can't wait to read it!

[Dipstikk]

I'll referr him to it.

Yeah, I try. I TRY!

It seems like when I try, I get squat (save for you's guys, I love you all to death for supporting me). Someone types up a huge block of text, doesn't bother to spell check it, paragraph it, or anything to make it look proper. Most of said fics don't even have a plot!

...They get five million comments on how great they did.

Meanwhile, I'm doin' this crap as well as I can, I have done the spell checking and the paragraphing, and I even add illustrations from time to time. I find my fic drifting to the second page. I have to ASK people to please read and comment on it, for cryin' out loud!

But no, I'm not bitter or ANYTHING LIKE THAT...

PARAGRAPHING, STORY STRUCTURE, THOUGHT AND TIME ARE ALL KEY COMPONENTS TO A GOOD STORY! GOD!

Edit: Sorry for unloading on you, man. But still. Refine the story so it looks good before you post it. Type it up in Microsoft Word, not right in the "reply" box.

P.S. Also, punctuation is always good.

[kjjcarpenter]

Ok thanks Dipstikk

[Leto]

Huzzah. Now please take his information seriously.

[odd chick]

Huzzah. Now please take his information seriously.

Yes, seriously, you should take that information and put it to use. If you put a little bit of thought into your work and even edit your story several times (Hey, I'm writing a fanfic myself right now and I can't tell you how many times I've taken the spell-check to it and re-arranged the sentences! ), then the story will be even better.

[kjjcarpenter]

I am taking it seriously Super Munch

[kjjcarpenter]

Note: Read my new version of chapter 1.

Chapter 2: Mollucks Plan.

‘All Vykkers and Interns dead sir’ said slig 40926.
‘Good now its time for the beginning of my plan’ said Molluck.
‘Tell me sir and I’ll get right on it!’ said slig 40926.
‘Time for Operation Margaret Massacre!’ yelled Molluck.
‘So were gonna kill Margaret?’ asked slig 40926.
‘Yes.’ Said Molluck ‘Lets go!’
Molluck and the remainder of his sligs hoped on a train and went to Margaret’s place in the Northern section of Mudos.
When the arrived Margaret said ‘what are you doing here Mollock?’
‘Well Mommy’ Mollock sarcastically said ‘I’m taking over’
All the sligs in the room were surprised to find out he was Margaret’s son.
‘Leave now and I wont kill you’ said Margaret.
‘How about no?’ Molluck sarcastically said 'You see Margaret you have been a bitch ever since you gave birth to me. Once I get rid of you I will have supreme control over all glukkons’
'No you wont' said Margaret.
'Even if I dont at lest It will stop you from killing me, I saw the papers!' said Molluck 'So Prepare to die Mom, FIRE!'
All of Mollucks sligs fired at Margaret’s sligs eliminating the competition.
‘Hold fire’ said Molluck. ‘Give up?’
‘Never’ said Margaret.
‘Kill her’ said Molluck.
'NO' said Margaret 'Take my job but not my life'
All of Mollucks sligs killed Margaret.
'I was gonna take it anyway' said Molluck taking a big puff off his cigar.'Kill her'
Molluks sligs kill her while she screams.
‘My plan is evolving’ said Molluck ‘Now no one can stand in my way! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’
Not far away Abe and Much here a load scream and see a train go past them.
'Whats going on Abe?' said Munch.
'I dont know' said Abe wondering if that was Molluck in the train.
Meanwhile in the train Molluck didnt know if he had seen Abe or not.
'No' said Molluck 'It cant be'. Molluck ignored what he saw and continued smoking.

Chapter 3: Strangers Wrath on Rupture Farms.

[odd chick]

That chapter, to be honest, went way too fast and was over before I could even think! One thing that bothers me is that it seems like you're not depicting the characters' emotions and personality enough. :/ And why, exactly, is Molluck planning on killing Margaret?-I know that it has to do with him wanting to take over her throne, but you should elaborate on that a bit more-is it because of the supreme power that she holds over the glukkons and he's envious of that, does he just hate her, or is it another reason? :/ Also, the plot, if I must say, is rather weak as of now. I'm not trying to discourage you, though. With enough practice and editing of the chapters, you'll get more experience and I'm sure the story will improve immencely over time. Don't give up because I think it has potential.

[kjjcarpenter]

Edited Chapter 2 if ya wanna look, made it longer with more detail.

[odd chick]

Great! It's much better than before. I'll be waiting for that third chapter. Well, I've gotta get off of here now. Bye!
Edit: I still think it can be improved once you've gained more experience-it seems as if this may be your first time writing. But it's still better than it was.

[kjjcarpenter]

What your prblem with me Super Munch?
Thanks Odd Chick and Dipstikk for your support.
Just tell me whats wrong with a private message Super Munch.

[snoozer]

erm sorry your storys are exellent i love them keep up the hard work

[snoozer]

sorry wrong topic i thought it was mine

[snoozer]

are you a mollock fan or abe fan

[Esus]

Use the ****ing edit button. Stop spamming. Read the rules. Read the forum descriptions. Use grammar.

Forgot to comment on the 'story'.
It's not very good, to be honest, and it could use some vast improvement.
You need to gain a story structure, you need to introduce your character and develop him. You need to create realistic boundries to your world. As you're using Oddworld, use Oddworld's boundries. One of the most wanted glukkons couldn't just blow up the Magog on the March headquarters. Or kill the glukkon queen. The story needs to have a defined story arc with plot. Also, a beginning, middle, which leads to the climax, and then end, where in traditional stories, things go back to normality for the main characters.
Major events that happen can not be fulfilled properly in a couple of lines. You need to lead up to them, you need to employ various narrative techniques and even genres, depending on how modern your story is designed to be.
The plot of this story does not make any sense. You move too quickly around, killing people for little apparent reason.

[Rich]

Use the ****ing edit button. Stop spamming. Read the rules. Read the forum descriptions. Use grammar.

Lol, kids nowadays. It's this late 90's education I tell you. I learned to write before Labour came to power and I never wrote like that on the forums when I joined.

It's not very good, to be honest, and it could use some vast improvement.
You need to gain a story structure, you need to introduce your character and develop him. You need to create realistic boundries to your world. As you're using Oddworld, use Oddworld's boundries. One of the most wanted glukkons couldn't just blow up the Magog on the March headquarters. Or kill the glukkon queen. The story needs to have a defined story arc with plot. Also, a beginning, middle, which leads to the climax, and then end, where in traditional stories, things go back to normality for the main characters.
Major events that happen can not be fulfilled properly in a couple of lines. You need to lead up to them, you need to employ various narrative techniques and even genres, depending on how modern your story is designed to be.
The plot of this story does not make any sense. You move too quickly around, killing people for little apparent reason.

Give him a break, I wrote a fic when I was 12 and the start of it sucked like that. However, when I finished it I was 14, my skills had much improved.

[Kimon]

are you a mollock fan or abe fan

AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! Triple posts, none with relevant information! AAAAAAAAAAA!

Anyway, I'd like your story more if it were better. By better I mean longer, more descriptive, understandable, spell-checked, grammar-checked, and chock-full of interesting characters, a good plot, and some humor.

Once you get those things in, I'll start reading.

[kjjcarpenter]

Chapter 3: Strangers Wrath On Rupture Farms.

Over in a town West of Mudos sligs are driving a Steef out of his town.
‘What do you want!’ yelled Stranger.
‘Our master told us to do this’ said a slig ‘Now you die’.
The Steef ran for his life to the East of Mudos and it wasn’t long before he bumped into The Modokon Fortress.
‘Hello’ said Abe.
‘Who are you?’ asked Stranger ‘Where am I?’
‘Your at The Modokon Fortress’ said Abe ‘And I’m Abe. You’re a Steef aren’t you? What are you doing this far East?’
‘Some sligs drove me out of my home, said there master told them to do this’ said Stranger. ‘You wouldn’t know anything would you?’
‘Well my only guess is that Molluck is behind that’ explained Abe. ‘Go South until you bump into Rupture Farms. You’ll proberly find you answer there.’
‘Thank you’ said Stranger.
Stranger left The Modokon Fortress and headed South.
‘Who was that?’ asked Munch.
‘A Steef’ Abe answered
Stranger was jogging South until he found a slig who was just on deaths edge.
‘Help me’ said the slig.
‘I ought a kill you!’ said Stranger. ‘Tell me. Which way is Rupture Farms?’
The slig with its last bit of strength pointed south then died. Stranger kept going south and knew he was getting closer for the smell was incredible.

Back at Rupture Farms Molluck is pacing around looking worried.
‘Sir is something wrong’ asked slig 40926.
‘Someone has stolen my plan book which had everything from Margaret Massacre to’ Molluck was interrupted.
‘Sir, unidentified Steef approaching Stockyards’ said a voiceover.
‘40926 turn on the voiceover!’ said Molluck.
The slig turned it on and Molluck said ‘Attention all sligs in Stockyard Section 492, there is a steef coming your way, kill him.’

All sligs in Stockyard Section 492 wake up and see the Steef.
Head slig Scar gives the order ‘Fire at will!’
Stranger manages to duck out of the way and loads his crossbow.
‘This must be the place’ said Stranger.
Stranger repeatable fired his arrows killing them off. He had them all down except Scar.
Scar said into his voice box ‘He is to strong Mol’
Stranger shot an arrow right through his head and kept on running to Rupture Farms.

‘He made it past the entire squad!’ yelled Molluck.
Molluck basically took one puff of his cigarette and it was almost gone he was that furious.
‘Get every slig to cut off entrance to the main hallway’. Said Molluck.
‘Yes sir’ said slig 40926.
Get past that Molluck thought.

Chapter 4: No More Luck Coming soon.

[Abe16]

That was awesome! I'm waiting for another chapter!

[odd chick]

"The Steef ran for his life to the East of Mudos and it wasn’t long before he bumped into The Modokon Fortress."
There's something totally wrong with this quote because for one thing, Stranger's all the way in the western part of Mudos. The fortress is in the eastern part, so I'd like to think that it WOULD be long before he got there-Mudos is a HUGE continent, after all.
Now as for the whole chapter, I think this chapter wasn't as good as your last one, to be honest. I think this one needs a TON of editing-I mean, the story is starting to get a bit watered down, if you know what I mean. I almost can't tell what the story is anymore. For example, you could've wrote an entire chapter dealing with Stranger's journey to Western Mudos (like how Stranger began his journey and travelled to Grubb villages for stops, dodged outlaws/industrials and used his boat to get there, or something. )-not just a sentence about it. But like I said earlier, I'm sure this is your first time writing, so keep working at it. I still think this story can have potential if it's looked over again and edited a few times.

[Dancing Steef]

i liked the story, but ya should take closer look on yer grammar. anyway the story is good.

[kjjcarpenter]

Chapter 4: No More Luck.

Stranger had no idea what awaited him at the Main Entrance. When he arrived there was no one there and he was very suspicious.
‘Its too quiet’ said Stranger.
Stranger heard a noise behind a barrel of meat.
‘Show yourself’ said Stranger.
‘Help me please’ said a Modokon.
Before Stranger could say anything sligs came out from behind barrels and walls.
‘No!’ yelled Stranger, thinking of grabbing his Crossbow.
‘Don’t think about it’ said a slig. ‘Put it on the floor. Slowly’
Stranger had no choice and remembered how a Modokon saved him so he said ‘Take me, but set that Modokon free.’
‘How about this’ said a slig and shots the Modokon.
‘NO!’ yelled Stranger reaching down for his Crossbow.
But suddenly a slig shot a bullet right through his arm. Stranger didn’t notice what happened until he looked a his arm and then the pain hit him.
‘Hello Stranger’ said Molluck.
‘How do you know my name?’ asked Stranger gasping for breath.
That’s your name Molluck thought.
‘Sir what do we do with him?’ asked slig 40926.
‘Put him in the new Water Chamber’ said Molluck. ‘I heard Steefs hate water’
Molluck then let out a laugh and all the sligs (like usually) joined in.

After awhile the sligs had Stranger tied up ready for Molluck to give the signal.
‘Why did you do this Stranger?’ asked Molluck. ‘No one can defeat my entire slig force, so why?’
‘Why did you send sligs into my land?’ asked Stranger.
‘I never send my sligs out of this factory.’ Said Molluck. ‘So I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
When a slig heard that he ran out of the room as quickly as he could. Molluck was curious.
‘Tell me what you know and I will let you go’ said Molluck.
‘I’m not falling for that’ said Stranger.
‘Fine’ said Molluck. ‘You've sealed you're fate. Turn on the water.’
‘Yes boss’ said a slig.
Molluck walked out of the room while the tank was filling up and Stranger took his last breath.
‘Well that’s him done with sir’ said slig 40926.
‘Have you found my plan book yet?’ asked Molluck.
‘No sir’ said slig 40926.
‘Well look for it ok’ said Molluck.
‘Yes sir’ said slig 40926.
‘Oh and find out everything you can about those sligs’ demanded Molluck.
‘Wh- what sligs’ asked slig 40926.
‘The ones up near that Steef guys village!’ yelled Molluck.
‘Oh of- of course’ said slig 40926.
‘You wouldn’t have anything to do with this?’ asked Molluck.
‘N-n-no, no NO!’ said slig 40926.
Molluck looked at him in a weird way. 40926 starts to walk away.
‘And find my plan book!’ yelled Molluck.


Chapter 5: 2nd phase of the plan.

[odd chick]

This chapter was a good chapter, chirpy. It was your best one yet-much better than your other ones! And sort of sad, too. Poor little Mud and poor Stranger! I hope he's really not dead because that wouldn't be right. Well, keep the story goin'.

[kjjcarpenter]

He may not be dead (Not gonna give it away)

[Dancing Steef]

That's more like it I new ya could do it! Love the story keep up the good work!