jokes -

General Drippik · #61 09-14-2002, 09:42 PM

Funny lawyer jokes Jacob!

Here's one:
A very successful lawyer was the richest man in town. One day he got a phone call. It was from the head of the local charities.

After the priliminaries was heard, "Sir, we've been going our recordsand we've found we have no record of you ever donating anything, not a cent, to any charity, yet you are the richest man in town and surely could afford it."

The lawyer replied, sounding offended, "Yes, I have not sent money! Did you know my poor dear mother has a terminal case of cancer and has no health insurance to cover her tremondous bills!"

Taken aback, the man replied, "A .. no, sir, I didn't."

"And furthermore, my brother was in a terrible automobile accident and is parilized from the neck down, and he has no insurance either."

"I'm so sorry!"

"My sister's husband lost his job and they have no money to raise their five kids."

"Sir I didn't know you had all these relatives to take..."

Before he could finish, the lawyer cut in, "If I didn't help any of them, do you think I'm going to give any money to you?!"

**************************************************************
A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

*************************************************************
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

*************************************************************
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
*************************************************************

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

* * *

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

* * *

Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

* * *

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

* * *

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day.
The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground.
You must be a lawyer."

* * *

Abe's son · #62 09-15-2002, 11:36 AM

not realy a joke but..(from Happy Noodle boy, issue 1 of JtHM)

Hey, Dog enity! Rise up and bare your biscuit filthy fangs at the oppressive leash wielding demon!! Goddamn my navel itches!!

AHEM!ERGHHHH!!AGUCHECKHH!!AHEM!

MEOW MEOWMEOW!!! CATCHOW!!! Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mind numbing expulsions of wicked noise! GRR!!CHEESE!!!

I SENSE YOUR ENVY OF MY NECK!! AND I DON'T BALME YOU!! DROOOOOOOL OVER MU MAGICAL POWERS!!! I HAVE POWERS PINTO BEANs ONLY DREAM OF!!wana see me pull a tapeworm outa my ass?!! Huh!?!

STARE DEEP INTO THE SINKING ABYSS OF MY INDIVIDUALLY WRAPED SLICES!!! Holy wax check out my armpits!

HEEEEY!WAIDAMINIT!! Wait just a polyp picking minute!! I see your game! Sink NOT you will my cheerio!! I see whats is transpiring here

UNDER SUCH EXTREME HEAT WEAR AND DEGRADTION IS INEVITABLE!! PARTS BREAK AFTER OVER USE!! And
THAT is why toaster pastries will burst into flames if you don't keep an eye on them you sacks of blader waste!!!!

Disgruntled Intern · #63 09-15-2002, 03:39 PM

It's HNB quoting fans like you that make Vasquez sick to his stomach.

Seriously, don't do that any more.

Joshy · #64 09-17-2002, 07:22 AM

Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The guy replies, "24 years."
St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Joshy · #65 09-17-2002, 07:44 AM

Have you ever wondered why A B C D E F are the letters used to define bra sizes? It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs
{B} - Barely there
{C} - Can Do
{D} - Damn good
{DD} - Doubly damn good
{E} - Enormous
{F} - Fake

Joshy · #66 09-18-2002, 12:08 AM

can some of you guys add jokes to here. it will be greatly appreciated.

masterman · #67 09-18-2002, 01:43 AM

this is my first time on the forum and when i saw the contents in this post i laughed my head off. Keep up the good work happyguy936.

from masterman

Joshy · #68 09-18-2002, 07:24 AM

thanks masterman

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Joshy · #69 09-18-2002, 07:26 AM

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Joshy · #70 09-19-2002, 08:22 AM

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

Joshy · #71 09-19-2002, 08:23 AM

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

masterman · #72 09-19-2002, 08:24 AM

lol that was so funny keep up the good work

***Alcar*** · #73 09-19-2002, 08:46 AM

Please refrain from posting more than once in a row in a topic. It's seen as spamming or flooding.

Please read the rules.

Alcar...

Joshy · #74 09-19-2002, 09:59 AM

ok Alcar

well here's another joke

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

masterman · #75 09-19-2002, 10:10 AM

keep it rolling

Joshy · #76 09-19-2002, 10:24 AM

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

Joshy · #77 09-20-2002, 04:44 AM

somebody please reply to this post, or i can't post new jokes. you want to hear some new jokes too!!! so please reply to here.

Thanks

General Drippik · #78 09-20-2002, 04:45 AM

Your jokes aren't really jokes, but funny anyhow.

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

##########################################

What's the difference between a brunette and a blonde?
It takes about two hours for the blonde to get this joke.

Joshy · #79 09-20-2002, 04:49 AM

thanks Genearl drippik for replying.
well here's the new one

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

Keep replying people so you can hear some weird and funny facts!!!!

General Drippik · #80 09-20-2002, 04:55 AM

You can just edit your posts.

Joshy · #81 09-20-2002, 04:58 AM

but less people would read it. People like to read topic wift alot of reply and when you edit it it doesn't go to the top of the page.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) (You've got to wonder about the sick sadist who found this out.)

General Drippik · #82 09-20-2002, 05:11 AM

You should post these in, Fun Facts. But anyway, they're funny and interesting.

Joshy · #83 09-20-2002, 06:04 AM

well this topic was suppose to be jokes, but i just happened to found this :P

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) (After reading all these, all I can say is.......Lucky Pigs.)

General Drippik · #84 09-20-2002, 09:28 PM

I want to be a lion whore in my next life. 50 times? Sheet.

Mojo · #85 09-21-2002, 01:29 PM

Whats green and has 4 legs

A frog

what has 6 legs, two ears and four eyes and hair and feathers??

The cat which just ate you canary

General Drippik · #86 09-22-2002, 12:31 AM

What has eight legs, four eyes, four balls and four horns.

Two male buffalo.

Joshy · #87 09-23-2002, 09:21 AM

A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a beating he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken shot out in front of him and he kicked it. His mother ran out of the house yelling, "I saw that, young man! You can't have any chicken for a month!"

The boy was really mad now and headed to the barn. Thinking the coast was clear, he kicked the pig. His mother came out of nowhere, yelling, "I saw that! You can't have any pork for two months!"

Just then the boy's father pulled up on his tractor, steaming mad. As he dismounted, the ***** cat ran out in front of him & he kicked it, sending it flying. The boy spotted his mother heading in their direction, "Ma, you want to tell him or should I?

Disgruntled Intern · #88 09-23-2002, 11:02 AM

Okay, the hell happened?

'mastermind' had three posts, and no warnings that I saw, and he was banned.

why?

Joshy · #89 09-23-2002, 11:44 PM

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

General Drippik · #90 09-26-2002, 04:31 AM

LOL.

Dave: Maybe Alcar banned him for something to do.