Story Before Bedtime
Gather round, children, for today's Story Before Bedtime. Are you sitting comfortably? WELL THEN STOP SQUIRMING. Then I'll begin.
Rumptypumptkin was a jolly little man who skipped about town in his cape and whistled wherever he went.
As a child, the mayor tried to drown him, but this was many years ago and all had been forgiven, except for the mayor who was hanged for his crime, as well as for selling heroin to school children.
One day, Rumptypumptkin danced into the corner shop where Old Mrs Jombglejits worked. He had written a letter to his penpal in Foreignsia, and wanted to catch the last mail collection of the day.
"Well hello there, young and sprightly Mr Rumptypumptkin. What can I do for you today?"
"Oh, good day Old Mrs Jombglejits. I would like to purchase one stamp, please, so that I can post my letter to my friend Adhul za Sallig in Foreignsia. By the way, I'm terribly sorry to hear about Old Mr Jombglejits."
"Well then, young and supple Mr Rumptypumptkin, one stamp won't be enough to send this letter all the way to Foreignsia. You will need three stamps for that, and that will cost you eight lollyshillings. And thank you for your concern, young and lithe Mr Rumptypumptkin. It was a shock to find him like that, I can tell you."
"Eight lollyshillings? But I only have five, and I was going to also buy some sugarcocks for my little sister from handsome Mr Omsrins the Confectioner on my way home. She has the squits, but Doctor Wyrmfrup's medicine tastes ever so nasty. I suppose my letter shall have to wait until I get my next installment of pocket money from Lady Cuminspet down at the docks. And yes, I expect I would be awfully shocked to find my husband lying on a table surrounded by all that stuff, too."
"What a terrible shame, young and smooth Mr Rumptypumptkin. Your friend Adhul will just have to wait, but I'm sure he'll understand. But come to think of it, my brother is working down on the farm today, and probably wouldn't mind some help. If you go down maybe you can earn some wages for a day's work and catch the first collection tomorrow. The chemicals left a terrible odour that I can't get rid of."
"That sounds like a marvellous idea, Old Mrs Jombglejits. I hope Adhul does understand, because he was threatening tourists if I didn't get back to him really quickly! I'll go home right away to fetch my bicycle and ride down to the farm to find your brother."
"I thought you might, young and strokable Mr Rumptypumptkin," smiled Old Mrs Jombglejits. "But don't forget to buy those sugarcocks for your little sister. She will be ever so happy to be given them."
"Goodbye, Old Mrs Jombglejits! Once again, I'm sorry about Old Mr Jombglejits!"
"Thank you, young and well-developed Mr Rumptypumptkin. I shall be scraping the blood off the carpet this evening."
END CHAPTER ONE
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