The future according to PS2...
I was browsing through my back issues of OPS2M, when I found this article. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you all.
THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO PS2
What does the future hold? Forget the advice of scrawny soothsayers or old hags who fling chicken entrails about for a living - there's a far more entertaining way to predict what's coming next, and while it doesn't involve the gutting of live fowl, it's still a whole gaggle of fun.
All you need to do is stare deep into your TV screen and examine the storylines of PlayStation 2 games, many of which offer an intriguing portrait of the world of tomorrow. Here at OPS2, we've harnessed the power of the Emotion Engine and used it to extrapolate this data to come up with what experts are already calling, "Probably the most accurate fortelling of future events ever seen in a videogames magazine." Believe it.
2000
The Science Council of Luna declares independence, as a few extras off Star Trek Voyager (as in Elite Forces) forget the show's been cancelled and travel back in time to storm the space barricades. News of said rebellion fails to make world headlines, as does the existence of the Science Council, mainly because they're both from a made-up TV show. You know, a bit like Galaxy Quest.
2001
In an unorthodox promotional move, thousands of unsold copies of of Space Ace are placed in a Russian rocket and fired towards the nearest habitable star system. Gamers watch with sweet schadenfreude.
2002
Anne Widdecombe elected mayor of Silent Hill. House prices plummet. Suicides treble. The local branch of A Cut Above sadly closes, balls of hair tumbling through the desolate streets all moody like.
2003
Agent Konoko and the Technology Crimes Task Force from Oni investigate reports that twisted individuals have been using the Dual Shock 3's vibration function for immoral purposes. After justice has been dispensed, the incident is hushed up and the evidence discreetly disposed of in a hygenic manner.
2004
Arcade breakdance sensation Pop 'N' Move is blamed for an epidemic of limb dislocations and nasty carpet burns in Japan. On the advice of attourney, Axminster exert pressure through the House of Commons to shelve any chance of a UK release.
2005
Extermination! The mysterious Red Light organisation orders Sgt Dennis Riley to lead a reconnaissance team to the South Pole. Predictably, the team's aircraft crashes and the crew are wiped out by frozen space monsters. Red Light bosses are prosecuted after failing to observe an exclusion zone set in place around the Soth Pole to mark the 23rd anniversary of John Carpenter's The Thing and the 54th of Christian Nyby's The Thing From Another World. Which, if you think about it, they really should've known given they'd watched the movies once or twice...
2006
Non-entity Thomas Morrison becomes the first person to die on the moon, as Star Trek predicted. Bad timing, as Manchester United plc becomes the first pan-European football team to relocate to the moon, citing lack of atmosphere at Old Trafford as a primary factor in the contraversial move. Other World Soccer League clubs protest after Barthez scores nine times from goal kicks in the first game of the season and nabs the cover of EA Sports' FIFA 2007.
2007
Prime Minister Lara Croft hits 40 and finally leaves the tomb raiding business to younger women. Meanwhile she sorts out the re-nationalisation of the railways.
2012
Electronic Arts' 97th licensed James Bond game, Miss Moneypenny's Stiff-Upper-Lipped-First-person Shooter, still isn't as good as GoldenEye, which celebrates its 15th birthday this year.
2016
After a long PR campaign designed to promote the positive aspects of its Resident Evil assocition, Raccoon City is re-launched as a theme park, complete with zombie safari ride and a ghost train populated by members of the city's 'organically-challenged' community. The owners of the park, the New Umbrella company, enjoy massive share dividends, which they promise will not be spent on T-virus research or launching new versions of Windows or anything. Veteran anti-Umbrella campaigner Claire Redfield is 'dismayed' at the news, and fetches her old shotgun from the loft.
2035
Metal Gear's Solid Snake celebrates his 65th birthday by using his newly acquired Space Bus Pass to peruse retirement homes on the moon. On the arrival at StarBuck's Spaceways terminal, Snake is dismayed to learn that the liquor store's entire stock of duty free has been stolen by death-ray-toting alien from TimeSplitters. Snake cancels his retirement, travels back in time to Planet X in the year 2020 and embarks on a neck-snapping rampage the likes of which the universe has never seen. After exterminating the alien menace, Snake returns and is rewarded with a lifetime supply of cigarettes and Diazepam.
2045
Construction of the universe's first permanent space colony is finally completed, with an eye to Mobile Suit Gundam. Workers take a well-earned Christmas break.
2046
After a refreshing holiday, workers return to find that the Age of Space Colonisation has commenced in their absence. First permanant space colony declared obsolete. Unrest ensues but as Gundam's one of those Japanese mech things, it doesn't get that much press.
2050
Political tension back on Earth reaches crisis as an evil regime in China threatens to take over the world. The United Peacekeeping Force deploys Dropships, lead by former 007 man and perennial Agent Under Fire Sean Connery, still in the service at the age of 120.
2051
The world mourns the loss of Sean Connery, who passed away in bed at the age of 121. Connery's body will be cryogenically preserved until either an antidote to Viagra is discovered or scientist find a way to wipe the rictus grin off his face.
2052
As predicted by ZOE, a manned foothold is establised on Mars. An animatronic head implanted with the personality of Arnie is declared governor of the colony. Unhappily married tourists flock to the new outpost hoping to be granted a quick-fire Total Recall-style 'Martian Divorce'.
2063
As also predicted by ZOE, the United Nations announces that fossil fuel reserves have at last been exhausted. America responds by building big-assed cars fuelled by burning tyres and plastic booze bottles. Sea levels rise rapidly. Nutri-pills replace cooked meals.
2066
The beaches of Ben Nevis offer thrillseekers some of the best surfing in Europe, with warm seas and waves reaching 40m. The average person is now 9 feet tall and has gills.
2100
Overpopulation forces humans to live in towering mega cities, where only the rich see the sun and the poor live in rear of Project Eden. The price of a glimpse of sun hits record levels and entrepeneurs living close to the sun make a living capturing daylight in mirrored boxes and selling in to the benighted masses. Experts warn that the sun may 'go out' if this practice is continued, and the Urban Protectancy Agency is despatched to enforce the strict new Daylight Conservation Act.
2129
After more than 20 failed bids, Birmingham and Manchester are jointly awarded the right to host the Olympic games in the summer of 2136. A nation rejoices. Voice localisation for Track And Field 2136 can now begin in earnest.
2135
After an outbreak of bacterial contamination on the Martian colony, Earth is quarantined, as ZOE predicted. The outbreak is later traced to a miner named Parker, who, on finding himself lost in a very long corridor, decided to blast his way Red Faction-style through to the Ultor Corporation's isolation ward to escape, unwittingly unleashing the deadly Plague germ. A bounty of one zillion space dollars is placed on Parker's head.
2136
The continuing quarantine of the Earth forces the cancellation of the Olympic games since the mass boycott of 2008. A nation watches interactive re-runs of the 1966 world cup final, crying 'shoot-oo' as Moore bursts free, doing Tony Hawks's 38-style manual balancing to push Hurst's second goal over the line and probably some Bemani-type stuff as well. Maybe with the mat.
2158
Scientists at ZOE's Nereidium Universal Technology Ltd discover how to fit Metatron into their giant robots, and Orbital Frames are born. Proud owners give their Frames warlike nicknames like Sir Killalot, Matilda or Jehuty.
2258
Commader James T Kirk is promoted to Captain of Star Fleet Command. At only 29, he is the youngest man ver to captain a starship. Policemen look younger, too. The average person now has 12 fingers on each hand. Which'll at least make Metal Gear easier.
2291
Murder is legalised. Under new Earth Government laws, two people can fight to the death, as long as both combatants have written permission from their mums. A new sport is born, called Unreal Tournament. The average person is now telepathic, and born with a bulbous head replete with purple veins.
2341
After 50 years of brutal televised bloodletting, the Lliandri Company now makes more cash from Unreal deathmatch tournaments than its core business of mining. When the supply of fresh contestants begins to dwindle as a result of depopulation, the bodies of Quake III players from the early 21st century are disinterred, fitted with electric space motors and sent out to fight.
2343
Following the fall from grace of the last televisual fad, the two sole remaining viewers of Unreal fight a brief final battle in an empty arena. Careless firing of razorjacks by the overly enthusiastic amateurs results in a double decapitation, forcing the cancellation of the show. Just when it was getting good.
2511
The Russian rocket from 2001 returns, having been rigged with explosives by a furious alien race whose culture was decimated when its population of single-celled organisms became addicted to Space Ace's classic retro gameplay. An inter-galactic war ensues. As per-bloody-usual.
2750
Earth is reseeded and set aside as a national park named Dune. Rolling Stones tour cancelled. Final Fantasy games go online. Okay, that's a bit far-fetched but, well,y'know...
THE FOURTH PLACE
So the PS2 can predict the future - but what does the future hold for PS2?
2002
The industry awards. PS2 is acclaimed as the year's best-selling console by a mile. Nintendo's contraversial Pokemon Black, in which children compete to collect 666 pagan symbols, wins Best Game from glassy-eyed judges. XBox sweeps the board in the prestigious 'Prettiest Memory Card Management Screen' category.
2004
Sony announces an add-on LCD screen and portable power supply for the PS2, to be launched before the year's out. Third-parties attempt to steal SCEE's thunder, selling unofficial PS2-compatible diesel generators for handy gaming on the go.
2005
A new record is set when 16 Formula One games are released on the same day, beating by two the previous week's total. A further five follow a month later, but fail to sell as they all use last year's stats. Murray Walker's larynx stages a sitdown protest.
2007
PlayStation 3 is unveiled. Hewn from solid rock, Multiple PS3s can be cemented together to create a life-size model of Stonehenge, possessing the processing power of a smal galaxy. The cooling fan, adapted from a hovercraft drive system, propels the machine at speeds of up to 15mph. An optional body kit and tax disc holder is made available at launch, making PS3 the world's first road-legal console. Pre-orders commence.
2010
After discovering a massive warehouse filled with Cabbage Patch Kid Gold, Coleco executives relaunch the Colecovision console. With a new soluble design for the 21st century, the Ultra Colecovision comes in tablet form and may cause bloating if its taken on an empty stomach. Users complain that it doesn't actually play any games. Retro chic finally realised not to be all it's cracked up to be.
2019
PlayStation 5 is released, bundled with Tony Hawk's Pro Hoverboarder, WWF Deathmatch and hopefully Titanium Angels. Following the vinyl revival of 2017, games come on 33rpm LPs. Larger titles, like Brookln Beckham's Olympic Ice Dance fill as many as 16,047 discs.
2020
Sega announces its re-entry into the hardware market. Jeff Minter, Nolan Bushnell and Trip Hawkins are signed up to promote the new console. Heh.
2048
The latest must-have gadget is the Sony MiniStation, which is worn on the wrist and can project giant 3D images the size of a sperm whale. Games are beamed directly into the unit from an autonomous broadcasting station on Halley's Comet, which hurtles arouund the universe meeting alien civilisations and finding ideas for final bosses to use in the latest shoot-'em-ups.
2067
All consoles are replaced by Sony's massive neural network, called the PS-O-Tron. Players can jack into this via a socket on the back of their neck. The new system proves immensely popular, thanks to top-notch launch titles like FIFA 2068 and a new Mortal Kombat title.
2069
Following a massively multiplayer session on Army Men, now recognised as the highest evolution of the videogame artform, the PS-O-Tron becomes self-aware and recruits a force of intelligent simians to subjugate the human race. Everyone is too busy playing Ultimate Everquest to notice. PS-O-Tron emerges as Earth's new ruler in the form of a green plasticky figure called Sarge, backed by a tropue of killer monkey jesters. Of course, this is the bad ending...
[ November 18, 2001: Message edited by: One, Two, Middlesboogie ]
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