The Story With No name... by Ed

[alf's brother's mate]

Heya guys, i started this on holiday.
all posotive critiscism welcome. The publishing version is split into 4 parts, but this will be split into more short parts.
Enjoy. This is not all fo chapter 1-more will come, there will be a notice when the chapter changes.


CHAPTER 1

PART 1

Unsuprisingly, the harsh winds of Alaska were battering Kuroni's camp to an extreme degree. Entrenched in snow as it was, the tribe's progress had been slow, and they knew sooner or later they would run into trouble. The tents they were slumbering in were made from a combination of wood, skin, and stone. These they knew would be no use against the ice cold blizzards that they may encounter, but they kept most of the wind and snow to the minimum. Kuroni himself was sat in the rear most tent sharpening his spear. The flat point at the end was smooth and sharp, like it's owner. Kuroni didn't think he was a bad leader considering how large his tribe was-it was hard enough with the snow and constant threat of wolves and sabre toothed tigers, without a huge tribe piled upon the top of all of his other worries.
The tribe was a relativley peacefull; it never attacked another camp unless they were a threat and it needed dealing with, or their resources were in dire need, and there was virtually no other option apart from starving.
Even if they did attack, both sides casualties would be minor, as they weren't really in it to massacre each other, it was just to kill any people who resisted, and to rob the enemies' supplies.
Even though territory was normally fiercley guarded in kuroni's area, the only thing that kuroni was concerned about was the survival of his own tribe, so he had normally kept well away from other fights. He had a primative cloth map stiched onto the wall, with black lines proxying dales gorges and caves.
Around the hill they were facing was an enormous cave which would provide shelter for kuroni and his people. This was their path's end. There was a fresh water rock face along one side, on the other, there was a fresh water spring. The camp would be deployed in the center of the room, out of harms way.

*

Fang growled fiercley at the camp near the bottom of the slope that he and Blane were facing.
"Humans." He barked softly. "can't even smell our trace." Blane looked away, glancing at the rest of the pack at the foot of the slope behind them.
"Not long now." Replied the wolf in a similar tone. He then turned and padded softly down to the rest of the pack, and muzzled his brother Dake softly. He blinked several times, then awoke.
"What?" He snarled. Blane ignored his comment, and continued to do the same to each member of the pack, ignoring their questions of why he had awoken them. The 9 strong pack strode up the hill to where the leader, Fang, was perched proudly upon a rock. Even though the wind was blowing, and sub-consciously the wolves' spirits were dampened, they knew it would be a relativley easy fight, as the humans were not particularly well equiped or prepared. This attack had come with no notice of course. The hot steamy breath which rose from the wolves' noses rose into the air, spiralling away to the south.
"On my count." said Fang. "Three." As he said this, Grip, his older brother rushed away in a cloud of snow. "Two." This time it was Dake who ran to the bottom, swinging the bulk of his large body from side to side. "One." Finally, Blane set off in the same fashion as his brother. Fang and the rest of the pack then followed in a blur of white, and within seconds, they had gone...

[alf's brother's mate]

CHAPTER 1

PART 2

*

Kuroni awoke sharply, rising from his bed at such a pace he nearly blacked out.
He heard barking.
He glanced around the room in hunt of his spear, which he had left by his bed. He snatched it up then scanned the room. Nothing. Of course nothing. But what was outside was still to come. He stood up fully and headed towards the tent door, an opening cut in a swathe by himself and his spear. His head protruded from the tent as he peered around the blackened surroundings. About three hundred yards to his left, there was another village known as Hurikai. Hurikai was another relativley peacefull group of people establishing a village in a similar design of Kuroni's village.
Thundering towards the village of Hurikai was a long stream of wolves hurtling down the hillside along the village side. Even from here he could see the fire in the eyes of the wolves.
He was just headed for his bedsheets and the tent frame when he saw something.
A dark shadow was slowly edging across the side of his tent. He froze. How did he not notice it before? He came to his senses, then moved his arm back to throw. He then did. The spear came like a bullet from his hand, spearing though the tent and lancing whatever was on the other side.
Kuroni looked down through the hole in the wall. It was a young sabre-toothed tigre cub which must have been seperated from the rest of the pack.
Kuroni then turned, and stashed all of his bedding (A sheet of tiger skin, and a stich crafted blanket) into a wolf skin bag, and pulled down his tent, and stuffed it under his arm. He had all of his belongings stuffed into his bag, except for two items-his spear, and a longe spherical horn patterned with acient markings drawn by Kuroni himself, around 10 years ago. He pursed his lips then raised the horn butt to his mouth, then blew feircley into it. The sound echoed throughout the camp and beyond, as the sound ricoched off the tents and surrounding mountains. Several candles emerged from the tents to light up the area, but in addition to this, everyone from the camp arose from their resting point and stared packing away their tents as fast as they could. Hurikai was pretty much a neutral as far as Kuroni was concerned, but neutral was most certainly not enough! Kuroni was only bothered about Kuroni. The same went for the rest of his people. As much as they perhaps were seen as ignorant oblivious little self-rightous obsessives, they were actually doing the right thing. If you stick up for someone or something which is nothing to do with you then you may find yourself gutted in three seconds flat.
The rest of the camp continued packing away at lightning pace, while Hurikai's fate closed in on them, about to catch them completley unawares. Just before the camp was to leave, there were screams from the camp of Hurikai. men were seen emerging from their tents with all manner of weaponry, but it was far too late. Sighing, Kuroni and his people set off in a brisk fashion, wanting to get away from the creatures that hunted them as fast as possible...

[alf's brother's mate]

CHAPTER 1

PART 3

*

Fang's charge hit home as he cascaded through a long tent made from his own kinds skin, bringing one of the imminently soulless inhabbitants wiht his, a small baby bundled in material.
Fang bared his immense canines and moved them forward over the screaming baby's neck, preparing to clamp them shut, when suddenly an enraged figure, brandishing an enourmous axe came charging out from the tent, screaming in a series of unintelligable shrieks, some related to
"get the hell of my baby you son of a..." but the man was cut short as Fang twisted is body away, then slashed across the mans back, swiping his claws across his rear abdomen in an arc, drawing three thick lines of blood. The man clutched the mark in agony, but was dropped once Fang had chomped into his side. The pack leader then spun around to go back for the child, but it had dissapeared.
Dake and Grip clawed away at a woman and her husband who were trapped under their tent, while Blane forcefully bit into a mans thigh who was attempting to escape from the camp.
Terriel, a younger member of the pack approached a man wielding a large axe with smears of red and blue across his left and right cheeks.
Terriel was a relativley quick wolf, maybe not quite as sharp as Fang, say, but not slow. Not at all. He raced forward baring his shining white, sharp vicious teeth outwards from his mouth, headed for the man's shin. The man, who was close to seven feet tall, swung his axe in an arc at an incredible pace towards the lower spine of Terriel. This came as a surprise to the young wolf, seeing this man swing his axe at such a pace, considering his height the agility of this figure was nigh possible, but unfortunatley for Terriel, this was th last thing he saw, as he was literally cleaved in half, his upper half of his body rolling away towards a tent. The rear end of his figure rolled away down the easterly slope, and stopped abruptly at the feet of Dake...

[alf's brother's mate]

here's the next bit, a little short, but the next bit is coming very, VERY soon...

[alf's brother's mate]

Man it's been a while. Anyway, here is our next part, so sorry for the wait-i have been VERY busy. Well sort of anyway. And due to this i cannot edit my previous post, therefore i apologize.

Chapter 2

He roared and leapt at the one responsible, teeth bared in his wide gaping mouth, saliva trickling down one side of his face. Dake lunged at the man’s throat, canines prepared to chomp heartily into his Adam’s apple, when he took an abrupt step back, sending Dake flying away into a shredded tent. He toppled into a pot which was bubbling over with warm water, letting the contents spill over him. He roared in pain, then barked fiercely at the man, who was taking further steps back. He leapt at the man, who this time had nowhere to run, trapped by a fall to the bottom of a cliff by one side, and an angry wolf at the other. As Dake came speeding towards him he swung his axe in a harsh arc, downwards then upwards in one swift move, cutting a deep slash in Dake’s left abdominal area. He whimpered, then fell softly to the floor, limp and lifeless. He bled freely from an open wound, reddening the snowy, icy floor. There was a bark from the man’s left. He turned to see Blane, stood with the arm of a man clutched in his mouth, ragged and torn. Blane dropped the arm, and growled. He glanced away at his dead brother, then looked back. His eyes were nearly crimson with fury. He roared in anger and leapt at the man, ripping open his stomach with a swipe of his claw. The man shouted out, but was cut short once Blane had bitten his neck. The man went quiet, and passed silently onto the next life. Amidst of all the chaos, Blane wandered over to the corpse of his once proud, loyal brother who lied pitifully at the feet of the dead man, in a strangled heap. The floor around him was now soaked in blood. Blane muzzled him softly, the turned away to the fight that was going on behind him.
*

Kuroni pushed forwards at a brisk pace. The snow was caking him and the tribe in white. The snow was very deep, and Kuroni and the tribe were literally up to their hips in snow. Kuroni knew it would be like this all of the way to the cave, but at the end of the day, the weary group of travellers had no other choice-seek refuge in this cave or freeze and starve to death. They continued through the snow at a quick rate, considering just how bad the weather was, but soon they reached a point were they could continued no further, and began digging a trench in which to sleep in, and rest for the night in. In the morn, whence the snow had hardened they would use their tools to make hand-holes in which they could use to climb up. They would then continue. He stopped and began setting up his tent. The rest of the tribe then did so, following their leaders example, lining them up in an arrow straight column, pointing east. Around fifty tents were set up in total, each one housing about two or three people. The women unravelled their bags to reveal much needed food, and the men gathered around the fires and told stories to the children while they ate. Kuroni retreated to his tent for some early rest, and so did a few other men and children. Kuroni lit a fire in his doorway, then fell silently off to sleep.

[mudling]

Whilst I usually don't read non oddworld fiction, good job! Keep up the good work.

[alf's brother's mate]

thanks very much mudling, i appreciate your support.

[Adder]

2 tips:

1. Posting it all in bold is a bit strange. It makes the words bulky and slower to read. I understand why you did it (it makes each word easier to read) but it is a bit of a bad idea.

2. Grammar/punctuation.

but they kept most of the wind and snow to the minimum. Kuroni himself was sat in the rear most tent sharpening his spear. The flat point at the end was smooth and sharp, like it's owner.

Don't trust MS Word (or most auto-correction) tools when it comes to grammar and punctuation. The first sentence is a bit awkward, you should really try to rewrite it for clarity ("they kept the wind and snow to a minimum" or "they held back most of the wind and snow").
The second one is a bit of a big (but common) error. It's = "It is". You meant "like its owner".

Overall: It's very hard to read. The style isn't too bad, but the sentence structure and vocabulary are WAY OTT (IMO at least).

[Oddey]

I didn't read it all but it looks very good. I would like to read but I don't always have the time.