Alf's Uploading Hell
Thanks for helping me.
This is such a short and crappy thread, with a very promising title, so I decided to write a short fan-fic to post here (it has nothing to do with the one previously mentioned). Enjoy.
My Uploading Hell.
"Odd damn it!" wailed Alf, and pounded the screen with his green fists. He took a deep breath, and reached for his calming tea.
"What's wrong?" a short mudokon with an untidy feather hurried over to Alf.
"Oh, Kiff," sighed Alf. "It's these Oddworld fans. They keep sending me difficult and awkward questions, and now I can't get my answers online. And their typos! It's enough to put me back on the Brew."
Kiff was shocked. Alf's assistant spun the mudokon's chair around and glared at him. "Don't say that. Don't even joke. You've come so far, and all the Muds you've helped! Nothing could put you back on the Brew."
Alf shook his head. "Nothing and everything. I fall off the wagon every month."
"At least you've cut it down to once a month. I remember when it was every week. Why, when you met me, I couldn't stay off of the stuff."
Alf smiled weakly. "But now you're completely clean. My greatest success. But this Internet connection. It's a wonder the humies on the Earth ever keep it running, but for me to connect across worlds, dimensions and the threshold of imagination, it's just plain unreliable."
Kiff looked at the arcane equipment in front of him. "Tell me how this thing works again"
Alf looked delighted to show off his invention. "Well, the screen is just an ordinary TV I liberated from a slig camp. Okay, Abe took it after possessing one of them (special favour for me). That plugs into this computer. I built this with the greatest spoocologists and techsperts I could find. You see the collection of gems there? The smooth blue ones. They channel the spooce power into the computer. Now this" Alf held up his hands, indicating the whole room "…is the computer. Or to be precise, the Spooce-tech Omegacron Internetting Device. The deluxe edition."
Above them wooden cogs turned, water dripped and Ratz ran in little wheels. Pistons whirred, seemingly of their own volition, and sparking, purple crystals in wooden cradles floated in the tall room, channelling invisible spooce energies in the air. Occasionally a blue flash passed along the spooce lanes, revealing their presence. Along the walls and on the moving parts of the computer, complex crystal lattices glowed and pulsated, casting the room and everything in it in an eerie blue light.
"I won't even begin to tell you how this works."
Kiff's eyes where wide with amazement. "Wouldn't it have been easier just to steal a computer?"
"Perhaps, but I don't know how they work."
"You don't know how this works either."
Alf rolled his eyes. "Or to put it another way, which would be most impressive?"
"Ah."
"But the most ingenious part is this." Alf took Kiff to a small door in the wall he had never noticed before. Opening it, he revealed an intense white-blue light. Glowing blue orbs flashed around it, and the faint flutter of birds' wings could be heard.
"This is the greatest bird portal ever opened," announced Alf proudly. "The spooce power keeps it open. I links all the way into the Earth's Internet. Similar portals connect into the brains of Lorne Lanning, his production designers and several Odd-fans, allowing them to recreated Oddworld with such accuracy. Or, that's how the current theory goes."
"Earth? Long Landing? I don't know what they are."
Alf chuckled. "I'll explain later. This portal is two way, but can only transmit data." Alf shut the door. "That is how I maintain contact with the other world."
"So what is your problem?"
"My problem, Kiff, is that it doesn't always work."
Kiff offered the Kettle. "More Tea?"
Alf strode back to the computer screen. Hitting the return gem on his wooden keyboard, he was not impressed with the message that froze on his screen.
"AN ERROR OF TYPE 32 HAS OCCURRED" There was a little picture of a bomb next to it.
"Type 32? What does-"
"I haven't got a clue, Kiff." Alf sat down in hi chair, fez in his hands. "I don't think I can take much more of this."
"What you need is a vacation."
Alf's eyes opened wide. ""That's it! I need a vacation!" He put his fez back on and grabbed a piece of paper. Scribbling on it for a moment, he gave it to Kiff. "Reboot the system (this button) and send this message to Oddworld-dot-com. It says everything you need."
Kiff read the piece of paper. "You are leaving now?"
"What better time than the present?"
"But- but…" Kiff stammered. "But what about the Rehab?"
Alf rested his hands on the little mudokon's shoulders. "You are my greatest success at the Rehab. I know you will take good care of it."
Kiff looked up, eyes wide. "M-me?"
"Who better? Help others, as I have done before. I will return after my travels. I want to see Oddworld, and get proper answers to the questions I am sent. But promise me you won't let anyone else in this room. Do not tell anybody else about the computer, the Internet, Earth or Lorne Lanning. The repercussions- I don't want to think about it. After you've sent the message, shut it down, and release the Ratz. I'm counting on you, Kiff."
Kiff looked down at the floor. "I won't fail you."
Alf smiled. "I'll send you postcards. Now, heed my parting words."
Kiff stared back up at Alf, who looked deadly serious.
"Never, ever, let any mud who has drunk SoulStorm Brew fart in the Rehab. Ever."
And Alf left with a suitcase full of loincloths and a change of fezzes. Kiff hasn't seen him since, but his last postcard depicted Splinterz, and a Big Bro Slig. The message: "Wish you were here. And I wasn't."
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Last edited by Bullet Magnet; 04-09-2006 at 09:03 AM..
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