And yes, they work!
A pessimist gamer's expanded guide:
1. Mashing the buttons of your controller during a loading sequence will make it load faster.
2. Leaning your body and controller in the same direction you want to move in a game will make you turn quicker (pefect for GT3).
3. Yelling 'DON'T USE THAT &*%$& SPECIAL ATTACK' at the screen
will stop a boss dead in thier tracks, sobbing also helps .
4. Swearing in general helps too. Hell, throwing your controller at the wall (or family member) is what the vets mean by 'leveling up'.
5. You think that jump is impossible? That there is no strategy for beating that boss? You're right. Give up.
6. There is a way to revive Aries, get a silver chocobo and nude code for tomb raider, trust me. Some guy like told me like there is this website with like this strategy that said...
7. Never lend games to friends. The disk will always become lost or scratched beyond repair!
8. If your console is broken, break it more. It deserves it.
9. If you beat the computer, the game must be on easy. Boost the difficulty, wussy.
10. In Halo, if you smash an Elite in the crotch, it never sees it coming.
11. No matter how hard you try, you'll never come in 1st place on that racing game.
12. And most importantly: you will
never win with an attitude like
that!
And for the more... peaceful gamer, there's always the Zen Gamer's Guide:
1. Think not of this as a loading screen but as a moment of pure emptiness and tranquility, for truly nothing exists within this space...
2. It is not the AI that defeats you but your clouded thoughts, clear your mind, for in this world there are only three beings yourself, your console and your game...
3. Button X is the beginning and ending of all things...
4. Defeat a man's foes and he may survive the next level, but teach him how to defeat his foes, and he shall whoop your butt when you take him on next time... silence is the true path to victory...
5. Be as one with your character, feel his pain and collapse when you are defeated, only then will obtain your true desire to win and overwhelm your lame gaming skillz...
6. Going into to a fight with an empty clip is like trying to achieve Enlightenment with an empty heart; you will never triumph.
7. Sniper Rifles are the root of all evil.
8. It is not your vehicle that is slowing you down, it is your fear of the computer passing you.
9. Violence is not the answer. You must come up with clever ways to make the AI kill itself... onlt then will you be truly happy.
10. The console is merely playing mind games with you. You have far too much wisdom to succumb to it's trickery.
... Only in this way can you reach Enlightenment and perform 50 kajillion hit combos with hardly a single beat of the heart...
Expert gaming secrets for both kinds of Video Gamers.
