The first of equals fanfic

[Primus inter pares]

This is my first fanfic and it takes place right after the end of M.O. hope you enjoy it.: Abe and Munch was flying over the great seas of Mudos. Abe was airsick and when Abe is seasick he is very irratable: "Your moon is bigger than my moon althougt i have done a lot more than you!" Abe said angrily. "W-we are not a-astronomes so we cannot know whith moon is the biggest but i think they are the s-same size" Munch answered in a frigtened voice. "Sorry but i am airsick" Abe said. Meanwhile at vykkers labs the two vykkers Irwin and Humphfrey had gotten out of the room with the bombs before they blowed up and they rushed over to a teleporter and teleported to one of the escape pods and flied away from vykkers labs. Back on the blimp Abe asked Munch about his placing bombs adventure: "Oh yes right after we had stepped on the teleporter i was teleported to the place where i was tortured uhhgh and the shaman came and gave me a stone that could make bombs. So i maked some bombs and placed them there. Then i walked to an elevator and i came to a great hall with 200 fuzzles i think i thougt about how i could save alll thouse fuzzles when i saw there was cords to every fuzzles to give them electrical shock and all the cord was going in a box right before me so i zapped the box and all the fuzzles was free and they quickly finished off the 25 interns and 2 vykkers that was in the great hall and i placed a lot of bombs. I walked around collecting more fuzzles, killing enemies, and placing bombs and then i saved all the fuzzles and walked to the blimp and i could hear a lots of vykkers talking: "Abe are very close to the auction room and Munch is somewhere around here Humphfrey" "shh Irwin we don´t want to make our bidders to flee" and then i meet you whith your army of mudarchers".
After 2 hours they could feel solid ground under their feet. They was in a beutyful place and Munch began to sing: "eii eii eiicon uiii". Abe looked over the place and asked Munch: "what is this place? it was you who guided us to here so you must know it". Munch then answered: "This is where i was born and here should the new gabbits hatch" and took a stone and opened the can with it and took and poured the gabbit eggs into the water. A ligthning struck the water and the eggs hatched: "ieei eiei eieei ui ui eirueir eiru eiru" said the small cute gabbitwogs. "Ohh are they not cute Abe" Munch said and jumped into the water. Abe took one of his fingers in the water and said "yes they surely are cute and look there are one on my finger...ouch!!! you did´nt say gabbits have teeth from their birth". Munch laughed and swam around for a while with the newborn gabbitwogs. Then a low came and jumped around and jumped away (a low is my own created species it is a like a cow with three big legs and a little fouth leg they are long but they are not so high and therefore they are called lows thier latin name is: parvus-quadropod-bovine mudos). Munch smiled and said: the lows are protecting us against glukkons and vykkers and all the other evil things and when they can see some evil things coming here they scream loudy". "mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomoooooooooooooooooooooooooomoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo omoooooooooooooooooooomooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomoooooooooooooooooomoooooooooooooooooooooooo mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomoooooooooomoooo" the lows were screaming and was running away from a guy that had a crossbow and a cowboy hat on. The guy was really close now and he pointed the crossbow with a thudslug on Abe "good day my name is Stranger and you must be Abe and your swimming pal there must be Munch. I will get 200.000 moolah for each of you so make no resistance you have alredy lost". "How did you find us" Abe and Munch asked at the same time. Stranger smiled and said: "oh yes it was really easy with this device (Stranger was holding a little thing in his hand) it can find the special signal from the headport on Munchs head but now you both die"............

[Primus inter pares]

Sorry for double posting but i could not find the edit button.
Are my fanfic bad since there are no one that have answered on it?
It is maybe a little long but please take the time.

[Bullet Magnet]

No... well.

I look at it and go "Waaah!" You should put in more punctuation, break it up a bit and give the story pace. Then put in more descriptive words to explain what is happening and why in more detail.

Though I know English probably isn't your first language, and I can only speak this one, so you're still pretty impressive to me. How old are you, anyway?

[Primus inter pares]

Thank you for writing. I am 14 years old.

[Mudoko_Jedi]

the story defintly needs more paragraphs and humphrey and Irmin died you sawed them die when they hugged and then bang the are dead.

[E'l Scrabino]

Quite... And i agree (i seem to do alot of agreeing these days) with bullet magnet about the punctuation and paragraphing issues... And yes, Mudoko_Jedi, we did see the 2 vykers die, but what if the explosion blew them into a teleporter? Indeed . Plot= good: storyline=good: puntuation= needs work: fullstops and comas= needs work: and paragraphing equals needs work but other than that it is really good .

[Bullet Magnet]

Now after a sleepless night of typing, research and coffee brewing you can post The first of equals fanfic 2.0.

[Primus inter pares]

Thank you.
I shall try to make it more punctuated and with paragraphs.
Irwin and Humphfrey does survive in my story but they are serously damaged, they are now in agony.
I want them to survive because they had so big status, it is like many says something about Molluck survived the Rupture Farms disaster.

But here is the continue:

Stranger shot the thudslug on Abe, but Abe dogded it and began to chant.
"No i know about your chant and you dont get control over me" said Stranger and took a stingbee and shot it.
Abe dogded again, but it chased him, but then Abe turned around and grabed it and squeezed it.
"Youck!!" Abe said.

Meanhvile Munch had swimmed to a cave under the water with the gabbitwogs, but he need air and he leaved the baby gabbits and swimmed up for air, but Stranger saw him and shot a boombat behind Munch and Munch flyed toward the shore, Stranger ran to the shore and took his hand in the water and took Munch out of the water, and then he took Abe, who was tired and walked back to the water and holded them under the water.
"Just calm down, you dont need to kick and try to come up, you dont die, i just want you to be unconscios" said Stranger and smiled.
"Ouch!!!" two gabbitwogs had swimmed up and bited Strangers fingers so let Abe and Munch go.

They were glad to get air again, but now Stranger was angry, but then something blue came towards Stranger, it was a shot from a mudarcher, Stranger dogded it and ran away, because there was coming 10 mudarchers shoting wildely. "I must get away from here. Oh no not the stupid lows get away or i shot you" said Stranger as 10 lows came right in front of him.
But stranger jumped over them and ran away.

Now they were save and happy again. But now it was beginning to be dark, and they were tired, but they should hold night guard by turns.

After 3,5 hours it was Munchs turn. He walked around, and then he saw a shadow running. He used his soner (which was annoying to the others who were sleeping) but it had hided behind a rock.
Then something came flying and wraped Munch into a web "help me!!!" Munch screamed and the others ran to him but the shadow shoted a stunk and it began to stink so much that they fell unconscios. But they saw that it was Stranger.

Stranger took Abe and Munch and walked away (of course Stranger had a gas-mask on).

P.S.: The lows also have udders around their body like a stomach bealt.
And the man lows is also called lows.

[Ninjaxe]

haha! I loved to see Stranger's gas mask! Good...Keep up the good work!!

[E'l Scrabino]

Love it! Keep on postin', matey!

[Primus inter pares]

Abe and Munch opened their eyes.
They saw they were in a great and beutiful hall, with gold and gems and glukkon statues.
Then a cronicler came and said: "Abe and Munch you have to be in Queen Lady Margarets Hall for audience now!! so follow me, and if you try to get away, the security system will kill you!!!". The cronicler walked away, and Abe and Munch followed him.

Meanwhile Huphfrey and Irwin were flying over the great seas of Mudos, when their pod, that was damaged from the explosion, falled down in the sea.
The two vykkers were drowing and thetrks (it is another of my own created species, it is like a shark, just with mouths with big, sharp teeth over the whole body and their latin name is: multi-acer-dentus-osque maximus, that means: many-sharp-teeth-and-mouth biggest) was swimming closer, but then a big ship came, and they who were on the ship rescued them, and gave them first aid.
"I don´t think they gonna make it, look Humphfrey got v-fib (v-fib= ventricular fibrillation, an deadly arryhtmia of the heart that makes the ventricles to quiver uselessy in stead of pumping blood out, and it is classified as heart arrest, the ecg give a fibrillating curve) charge to 200, clear!
Still v-fib, charge to 300, clear! piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! asystole! (asystole is either just standstill of the ventricles but with electrical activity in the atries "asystole with p jags" where the ecg only gives some small jags and total heart standstill "asystole without p jags" where the ecg flatlines totally).
Continue heart massage, and bring the potion from the iutgio plant now!" said a mudukon!!!.
Because this mudukon was not a slave or a native, no it was a industrial mudokon!!!!!.
They came with the potion and poured it over the two vykkers, but first Humphfrey then Irwin, and the two vykkers waked op and were healed totally.

Back to Abe and Munch:
They went into a more greater and more beutifully hall, and on a great throne was sitting a great maggot and it said: "Good day i kh kh a kh kh m khhkhkh qukhkheen khkh Makhkhkhrgakhkhkhrekhkhkhthkh, this khkhkhkh ckhough iskh kh kikhkhhkhllinkhhkhkhg hkhkhkhkh mekhkhhkh!" (translation: "Good day i am queen Margaret, this cough is killing me!") said the great maggot.
"She want´s your lungs, Munch and she want´s both of you dead, so therefore i gonna shot you in your stupid heads" said the cronicler and laughed, but then a telephone rang, and Margaret got big eyes and said:
"He is coming, he is really coming, it is first time for 940 years that someone from the Rambdon bloodline who lives on the continent Glukos have set a hand on this place!!
And it is not the whole thing, it is the Glockzar himself the most powerful glukkon in the whole oddworld, the whole Glukos is his empire!!!
He has created a glucktopia!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!.".........

Here you have a picture of a low (c): (their latin name means: little-fourlegged-cattle mudos), sorry for my bad drawing skills, and the low is not so low that it should be, because when i tried to make the low more low, it did the picture look like a low res picture, but as long as you remeber that the low are more low (combined to its length and wide), it is allright.

[Primus inter pares]

The whole Hall of Larvae was paralyzed in chock, and the security dirctor cronicler turned the security system off in chock.
"Alarm piii alarm pii the security system of Hall of Larvae is turned off pii alarm piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipiiiiiiii....(for five minutes will the alarm sound, unless you turn it on again)" it sounded over the whole palace, but only Abe and Munch heard it.
They rushed out, past croniclers, and a room where Stranger was sitting and counting his money (now he also was in chock, but not as much as the others), and he saw Abe and Munch and ran after them, but they managed to get out and hide from stranger.
Then, when Stranger was back in the palace, they ran through the city, where they saw glukkons, croniclers, sligs, and industrial mudukons, luckily for Abe and Munch they all had heard the messege of the arrival of the Glockzar, and they were all chocked.
After two hours of running they were out of the city, and Bigface came and teleported Munch to the gabbit wogs and Abe to The Almigthy Raisin.

Here you have a picture of a Thetrk:

[Primus inter pares]

Are my paraghraphing and punctuation good now?.

[Primus inter pares]

Abe was now in front of The Almighty Raisin and The Raisin said: "You have done very well, i see you have maked Lulu rich so you could use his money to get the gabbiar to Munch.
But i have something for you, you have been chosen to lead a group of mudukons for archaelogical reaserch in Necrum, you had been in Mudanchee and in Mudomo, but you had never been in Maliok, the meech tribe.
We belived that it was gone, but for two weeks ago, some mudukons found it."

"What!, a tribe for a animal that is extinct!?!?". Abe said.

"Abe, Abe, Abe, Abe the meeches was not extinct on that time". The Raisin answered.

"But are you going on that archaelogical journey or not?"

"Yes i am going, but i am so tired, i need a vacation". Said Abe.

"You will not do much work there, it will be like a vacation.
You will be teleported now with the other mudukons". Said The Raisin and Bigface came and teleported Abe and 10 other mudukons to Maliok.

Now they were in Necrum, in front of an old wall, and Abe began to read what was standing on the wall: "Mik tik flusrak hampfnatuk glukonismeas cldecvn tiur slu cusl protrfse milwer fjwo Abeisbme as qwezxc tres mudunikonsiew Maliok weatrgeqwer, what does this mean!??!!?!?".

A mudukon came and said: "I have studied the old Maliok mudukon language, now i will try to translate it: After the evil revolt of the glukkons, 1000 years after will there come a savior, and his name will be something with Abe, this is written in the old Maliok mudukon language.
Hey i think it is a prophesy about you Abe!".

But let us now go from Abe to Munch.

Munch was now in the gabbit birthplace, and the gabbitwogs swimmed up happily, he jumped in the water, and he began to swim with the gabbitwogs.

Then he took a low and milked it, so the milk came in his hand, and then he gave the gabbitwogs the milk.

But let us now go to the two vykkers Irwin and Humphfrey.

After they were healed, they asked: "Hey thank you for healing us but what is this ship for, and why is that mudukon dressed in a white coat?"

A gnail came to answer their question (a gnail is another one of my own created species it is like a giant snail, it is 4,5 meters long, 2 meters high, and 2 meters wide, and its shell is thin compared to its wide and lenght, like a giant nail, its latin name is: magnus-latin-name-for-snail ab-aquam-Glukotis, which means: big, i do not now the latin name for snail, from the waters of Glukos):
"This is one of the Glockzars many ships, we must see how the waters are, before he can come, he have planned to come to Mudos in a month, and stay there for one year.
I can see on your face that you don´t belive me, but i am saying the truth, and this mudukon is an industrial mudukon, he have become civilizied, and greed, but he have not lost his old pshycal abillities".

[Dusan]

Did yu named you self by that fanfic, or otherwise?

I'm lazy to read it.... sorry.

[Primus inter pares]

No i just gave me the name "Primus Inter Pares" because i like latin, and it was one of the titles that Octavian had, besides Augustus (the up highed) and Princeps (the leader).