Mudos Academy

[ParasiteSklent]

I've been working on this for a lot longer than expected, and I'll be updating it frequently, if all goes right. I got the idea from my own idiot brain, and some inspiration from my High School Never Ends video. I'll expand on the plot much more in the next chapters; this one just sums up the unorthodox nature of the place. I digress. Have a read.

MUDOS ACADEMY CHAPTER 1

As the sun loomed high in the cloudless Oddworld sky, Abe looked up at it and sighed. He was nervous, and he had a good reason to be. Today was his first day at Mudos Academy, the most prestigious high school on the continent. In fact, it was the only high school on the continent. That's why it was prestigious, if for no other reason. The blue-skinned Mudokon's best friend, a green-skinned Mudokon named Alf, had told him several horror stories about the school.

"One year, a Slig had his arms torn off by a pack of Slogs because he didn't run fast enough in Gym," he had once told Abe. "I heard that one guy went missing the year before, and when they found him, his eyes melted and he had toes growing out of his forehead. Some Muds say it was the Vykkers who did it to 'im, the poor shmuck." Abe hated it when Alf recounted these stories. He himself was dim-witted, clumsy, too thin, and a general, all-around weirdo. Everyone loved reminding him, even other Mudokons; he had blue skin, while everyone else was green, his eyes were reddish orange, his lips were stitched together... The list went on for miles. After hearing dozens of stories from the ever oblivious Alf, he had a gut feeling that he was going to be fresh meat on the tougher guy's menus. Yes, the puns are intended.

At least, Abe thought this way until he saw another sap who was much weirder than him. This...guy, this thing, was very strange indeed. His head was huge, with fins protruding from the top, along with large, googly purple eyes, and a wide mouth filled with small jagged teeth. His body was bulbous and bounced up and down as he hopped around on his one large flipper. He would occasionally dart his eyes left and right, examining the other creatures with what seemed like both fear and curiosity.

As Abe watched the small, strange guy, Alf approached him from behind and gave him a friendly slap on the shoulder. Not expecting the small blow, Abe nearly fell on his face (it wasn't very hard, Abe was just horribly weak and fragile). He caught his bearings moments before his face met the pavement.

Alf: Hey Abe, you've been zoning out on me again. What's up?

Abe: Oh, uh... I just noticed that weirdo over there-

Alf: Oh, that guy? He's a Gabbit, ya know.

Abe: Yeah, but...I didn't know they could come here.

Alf: They can't. At least, not before they couldn't. He's the first one in the history of Oddworld to come here. The Glukkons were against it, but the Vykkers really wanted to let 'im in for some reason.

Abe: Well...he looks kinda scared, doesn't he?

Alf: He's got good reasons, too. You know, one time, I heard that one unlucky Mud got his foot sawed off when-

Not wanting to hear another gruesome anecdote, Abe cut Alf short.

Abe: I think I'm gonna go talk to him.

Alf: Huh? Why? He's just a shmuck.

Abe: I dunno, he might be kinda cool.

Alf: Whatever.

Alf shrugged his shoulders and sauntered off in the opposite direction, while Abe fixed his red-orange eyes on the Gabbit again. Without thinking, he began to slowly approach him. Noticing Abe's short steps, the Gabbit flinched momentarily, then started to dart his eyes again. Once Abe reached him, he looked around nervously. Feeling stupid for being so shy, he looked directly at the Gabbit and began to introduce himself.

Abe: Uh...hi.

The Gabbit said nothing.

Abe: My name's Abe.

The Gabbit finally looked up at Abe and responded.

Gabbit: ...I'm Munch. Hi.

They were both silent for a moment.

Munch: There ain't any other Gabbits here.

Abe: Huh?

Munch: They said there was gonna be more Gabbits, but I haven't seen none anywhere.

Abe: Who said that?

Munch: Them Vykkers.

A funny thought popped into Abe's head; Why would the Vykkers lie to this Munch guy? Abe wasn't much for thinking, though, so the thought didn't go very far. After that, a loud speaker started blaring a loud, yelling voice from the large building.

Voice: HEY! Classes are gonna start soon, so get yer asses inside! DO IT!!!

Alf approached Abe again and slapped his shoulder. Again. Abe almost fell over. AGAIN. Only this time, he nearly fell on top of Munch. But he didn't. That would have been very unpleasant for everyone involved, so-

Abe: Where is that voice coming from? Is it the speaker again? It sounds different.

Munch: Naw, it sounds like a girl.

Abe: She's got a weird sound to her voice...

Alf: Maybe it's a Midwestern accent or something.

HEY! You're not supposed to be aware of the narrator! Stop breaking the fourth wall!

Alf suddenly forgot what the hell was going on.

Alf: Hey, who're you talking to, Abe?

Abe: The weird voice.

Alf: ...What weird voice?

Abe: The one coming from nowhere! You heard it too, didn't ya, Munch?

Munch gave Abe a funny look.

Munch: You're friend is crazy in th' head.

Alf: Yeah, I know. Now c'mon, we gotta get inside. What class ya got first, stitch lips?

Abe: I wish you wouldn't call me that... And I got History. I think.

Alf: Aw, bummer. I got Biology. See ya later then.

Alf went inside, while Abe and Munch still stood outside. The speaker popped up again.

Voice: COME ON, WE AIN'T GOT ALL DAY!

Abe: Well, I guess we'd better get in...since there are no other Gabbits around, I could hang out with you. I guess. If you don't mind.

Munch: ...OK.

The two made their way inside the building. As they walked through the halls, they saw all kinds of different Oddworld species; Mudokons were socializing in small groups, some Sligs were talking and laughing loudly, Clakkerz were gossiping, and Grubbs were trying to raise the dead.

...Wait, what?

Several Grubbs were standing in a circle, while one Grubb, dressed in torn black clothes and wearing heavy black make-up, was standing in the middle.

Goth Grubb: Oh great spirit of the Steef, go forth into the land of the afterlife and return the soul of Moofy to us!

Abe and Munch stopped and stared.

Abe: Don't ask about it, it's probably not worth it-

Munch: What are you guys doin'?

Abe slapped his forehead.

Goth Grubb: Oh hey dude, you wanna help us with our resurrection circle?

Munch: Your what?

Goth Grubb: This guy's pet Fuzzle Moofy died this morning, and we're gonna totally bring him back to life.

Grubb Guy: Moofy... WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY MOOFY, WHY?!

The guy started crying uncontrollably.

Goth Grubb: Yeah, he's like, taking it really hard.

Abe: I don't think that's gonna work...

Goth Grubb: Why not?

Abe: ...Well, uh...usually, when Mudokons bring guys back to life, we go to Resurrection Totems, and-

Goth Grubb: We don't need your backwoods resurrection methods! We can totally bring this Fuzzle back! Totally!

Abe: ...OK, if you say so...

As Munch inched closer to their circle, the Fuzzle started to rise up.

Grubb Guy: It's working! IT'S WORKING! MOOFY!

The Fuzzle exploded. The Grubb guy was distraught.

Grubb Guy: NOOOOO! I have no reason to live!

He ran away crying. The other Grubbs stared angrily at Abe.

Goth Grubb: This is your fault, dude!

Abe: But I didn't do anything-

The voice from the speaker chimed in a third time.

Voice: HEY! WHAT'RE YA DOIN'?! GET TO CLASS! NOW!

Abe shrugged. He and Munch made their way to their classroom.

CLASS 1 - HISTORY

The Mudokon and the Gabbit peered cautiously into the room. Desks and chairs were scattered about the room messily. A few Mudokons stood and sat in front of the room, while three Clakkerz sat together, whispering and giggling. Near the back was a quintet of Sligs; they eyed Munch and Abe intently. Two figures in particular stood out; in the middle row of desks sat a homely, shabby looking Glukkon with a small head, buck teeth, and an overbite. In the corner stood a tall, hairy guy, wearing a poncho, large boots, and a wide-rimmed hat. His sharp green eyes focused on the front of the room.

As Abe and Munch slowly entered the room, some of the Mudokons looked up. The Clakkerz went about their business, and the Sligs nudged each other and laughed. The stranger in the back stood still; the Glukkon was asleep. Munch looked up sheepishly at Abe.

Munch: There still ain't any Gabbits 'round here, Abe.

Abe: Well, um... Maybe there'll be some in the next class.

The two were then shoved to the ground by a Slig entering the room.

Slig: Get outta the way, the boss is comin' in.

They moved out of the way and sat down while a Glukkon dressed in blue waddled in behind the Slig. His skin was darker than most Glukkons, and he had a very prominent underbite. He made his way behind a large desk at the front of the room. The Slig went to the blackboard on the wall behind the Glukkon.

Glukkon Teacher Guy: HEY! Sit down and shaddup, ya morons! I'm Mr. Phleg, and I'm gonna be teachin' you...

Phleg looks at a paper on the desk.

Phleg: ...History, apparently.

As Phleg spoke, the Slig wrote "Mr. Phleg" on the blackboard in a nearly unintelligible text.

Phleg: I'm barely getting payed for this at all, so let's get this crap over with. First, there's-

Abe raised his hand in the air. Phleg gave him an annoyed look.

Phleg: Whaddaya want?

Abe: Shouldn't we introduce ourselves first...?

Phleg: WHAT?! Fine. Who're you?

Abe: My name's Abe.

Phleg turns to Munch.

Phleg: You?

Munch: I'm Mu-

Phleg: Yeah great, and you?

Phleg turned to the shabby Glukkon, waking him from his sleep.

Glukkon: Huh?

Abe: That's not really what I meant-

Phleg: Shut yer trap! So, this is History, right? Let's start this off with some current evens. I used to be the Director of the Bonewerkz, until SoulStorm and every other company we owned went BANKRUPT... Since Meeches went extinct, no one bought treats from Rupture Farms! It went out of business, and SoulStorm went with it! I...I LOST IS ALL! NOW I GOTTA WORK IN THIS SHITHOLE, WITH YOU IDIOTS! I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY SCREWED OVER!

Phleg broke down crying. He ran (or, waddled as fast as he can) out the room and into the room directly across the hall. Shouts were heard. A Vykker started yelling.

Vykker: Phleg, get your head out of the Fuzzle cage!

Phleg cried harder.

IN THE OTHER ROOM...

The class, made up entirely of Mudokons, were sitting and staring stupidly. Two Vykkers were trying in vain to pull Phleg out of the large pen full of Fuzzles. One Vykker wearing an apron let go of the Glukkon.

Vykker: Oh forget it, it's not worth it. Irwin, let his head get eaten!

The other Vykker let him go, as Phleg continued to act over-dramatic.

Irwin: Hey Humphrey, wasn't that guy teaching the class with the Gabbit?

Humphrey: Yeah, he was...

Humphrey grinned and turned to the Mudokons.

Humphrey: Class is dismissed for now. Go outside and run around.

The Mudokons cheered and left. Humphrey walked up to a Slig who was standing in the hall.

Humphrey: Release the Fleeches.

Slig: Yes sir!

Humphrey: We're going to take over the other class and get a look at that Gabbit.

Irwin: But HUMPHREY, I was looking so forward to seeing the Fleeches in action!

Humphrey: Look, there'll always be more later. I have big plans for that Gabbit, and I don't want any of those Glukkons or Sligs messing it up.

Irwin: Come ON, Humphrey. I hate when you get all experimental.

Humphrey grabbed onto one of Irwin's four arms and dragged him along to the other room. Pleased with the suspect attitudes between the two Vykkers, the author decided to end the chapter, to leave off on what little suspense there is.

Abe: Breaking the fourth wall is considered lazy writing.

No one asked you, Abe.

END OF CHAPTER 1

[Wings of Fire]

That was amazing, I love you.

[ParasiteSklent]

*Takes a bow* That's very nice to hear. I was worried that no one would like this. It's good motivation to keep going. Thanks a bunch, friend.

[Moosh da Outlaw]

+Reps
LMAO.

EDIT: Eeeh, it won't let me give you rep. >:C
Just visualize it being there.

[ParasiteSklent]

*More jumping up and down with hideous glee* Thank you for the imaginary rep...it's so beautiful, in all its glory...

[GlacierDragon]

That made me luagh. Great start!

[Oddey]

Did you know somebody made something simalar to this called The Quest For The Can Opener? It, was just like this, a spoof-like story of Oddworld. Munch needed a can opener to open his can of gabbiar.

This may be different but it's still funny as hell.

[ParasiteSklent]

Never seen that before...sounds pretty funny. XD Anyhoo, I like writing comedy/parody/spoof things, especially with things I like. That's the entire reason of this thing existing. Yep....gotta write chapter 2...

[OddYouko]

I've read it..but sadly it's not finished ..

This is to funny! I love it!

[ParasiteSklent]

Chapter 2's finally up. Sorry for the 3-day wait. I'm a slow writer.

CHAPTER 2

Abe and Munch sat at their desks, confused by everything that just happened.

Abe: ...What just happened?

Munch: I have no idea.

Do we need to have a recap so early?

Abe: No, that's OK, I can remember-

Good, because there are Vykkers now. LOOK!

As Abe looked up, a wrinkled, pinkish purple face was directly in front of his, its beady green eyes staring directly into his very soul.

Humphrey: What is up, G?

Abe: ...Uh...

The other Vykker approached the first from behind.

Irwin: Oh no you di'int! You are straigh trippin', dawg!

Abe: ...I don't know what you're trying to say-

Humphrey moved his large oval head away from the Mudokon.

Humphrey: We're just trying to catch up with the modern slang. That IS what all the hip kids are saying, right?

Irwin: Do the kids still say hip?

Humphrey and Irwin shrugged their bony shoulders while everyone else in the room stared at them quizzically. In the back, the stranger shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He looked up slowly and began to speak in a soft, but harsh, tone of voice.

Stranger: Hey. Are we gonna be gettin' anything done? Or are we gonna be standin' around like a buncha dumb Clakkerz all day?

One of the three Clakkerz turned in his seat to face the stranger.

Clakker Guy: Who're you callin dumb, fuzzbutt?

The stranger growled, while the Mudokons and Sligs focused their attention from the weird guys up front to the possible impending brawl. Not pleased with the lack of attention, Irwin took out a syringe gun and shot it at the Clakker, knocking him unconscious. The Mudokons jumped back in surprise, while the Sligs joined together in uproarious laughter. Abe and Munch were silently panicking.

Humphrey: Now now, if we're going to be stuck here with you, we might as well make something of the time.

Irwin: Maybe we could demonstrate a few of our...riskier experiments on the Gabbit...

Irwin slowly maneuvered his three stubby legs towards Munch, but Humphrey slapped his hands away. Munch was starting to look thoroughly panicked. Abe began to raise his hand timidly.

Abe: Uh... Mr. Weird Guys...that Clakker isn't dead...is he?

Humphrey: Of course not, he's just taking a long snooze.

Another Clakker chimed in.

Clakker #2: How come he ain't breathin'?

Humphrey raised his non-existant eyebrows and pulled Irwin aside. The Vykkers whispered loudly at each other.

Humphrey: Those syringes were supposed to put things to sleep, not kill them!

Irwin: Would you be mad at me if I said I filled them with nitroglycerin?

Humphrey: You WHAT?!

Irwin: I thought you'd like it, that seems like something you'd do!

Humphrey: Nitroglycerin explodes, you moron!

Humphrey broke out of his whisper with that sentence. Everyone in the room, including the stranger and the Sligs, looked completely terrified.

Humphrey: Get that guy outta here, he's gonna blow!

Before Abe had a chance to blink, he saw the stranger on the other side of the room, holding the Clakker. He ran to a window and threw him out as far as he could. The Mudokons, Sligs, and remaining two Clakkerz watched the first fly through the air, and eventually explode. Feathers and chunks of meat went flying everywhere. Giddy Slogs and Fleeches roamed about outside, eating the meat as it rained down from the sky. The author also realized that it should have exploded upon contact with the Clakker, but she can take creative liberties for the sake of humor.

Humphrey: That's what you get for not doing your homework beforehand, missy.

Oh. Look over there. I believe that's a Fuzzle, and it's just waiting to have poisonous liquids seeped into every orifice of its body.

Irwin: Oh goody! Torture!

Humphrey: Educational torture!

The two high-five. Or, high-three, actually. It would be hard to do that, since their fingers are claws, but you get the drift-

Irwin: You sure love to ramble on and on and on, don't you?

You're absolutely right, I do. Now let's talk about Expresso.

Irwin: What about the Fuzzle?

The Fuzzle was a lie. Now talk about the drink or I'll write you out.

Irwin: OK!

Irwin pulled an orange can out of thin air and handed it to Humphrey, who slammed it down on the desk in front of him.

Humphrey: This, my young victims- er, I mean, students... Is a can of a little thing we like to call Expresso.

Irwin: It's a tasty coffee blend, with some wild after-effects!

Humphrey: It's still undergoing testing, which is why no one in the general public should drink it... Also, there's a vending machine full of it in the hall as of right now.

All the Mudokons in the room (save for Abe) ran out in the hall, rejoicing. The Clakkerz shrugged and also left. One Slig joined them, while the other four continued on with their rambunctious behavior. The stranger stared out the window at the Fleeches and Slogs, while the Glukkon fell asleep again. Abe and Munch turned to face each other.

Abe: These guys seem pretty scary. I don't think we should drink any of that Expresso stuff.

As Abe finished his sentence, the two Vykkers swarmed around the Gabbit and Mudokon from either side.

Irwin: Well hi there, little guy.

Humphrey: We're just looking out for you, Gabbit.

Irwin: We wouldn't want to hurt you, we got you in here, after all.

Humphrey grabbed Abe's head in his long claws.

Humphrey: You're not gonna let this stitch-lipped Mudokon tell you what to do, are you? That Expresso will be just fine for you. It might come in handy.

Irwin placed the can from the desk in front of Munch.

Irwin: Take this can. Who knows, you might need it later.

The Vykkers laughed ominously and exited the room. As they left, the Sligs shortly followed, giving Abe a hard shove on the way out for no apparent reason. One of the Sligs dragged the sleeping Glukkon behind him.

Abe: Is that Glukkon a friend of yours?

Slig: Lulu? No way. He's a dumb, lazy Gluk. His ma hired me to keep an eye on him so a Scrab doesn't eat him or somethin'.

As the Slig and Glukkon passed, the stranger sauntered past Munch and Abe. He only gave them a quick glance. After he went, Munch turned to Abe.

Munch: I ain't gonna listen to what them Vykkers said. I'm not gonna drink this stuff. You take it.

Abe: But I don't want it.

Munch: Come on.

Abe: But-

Munch: Abe-

Abe: OK, fine.

Abe took the can and shoved it into the knot of his loincloth. It looked strange jutting out from behind, but he had nowhere else to place it, so he thought it would have to do. The pair were the last to exit the room. The halls were now packed with inhabitants of Mudos, conversing with each other, but mostly keeping with their own species. Sometimes a Vykker would approach a Glukkon, and a few Sligs would stand around one Glukkon or two, but everyone else usually kept to themselves. The fact that Abe, a Mudokon, wandered the halls with the token Gabbit was looked down upon greatly.

As they wandered aimlessly, the pair saw a small group of Mudokon females. They talked quietly with one another and would occasionally giggle. Abe was nervous, and started wondering about what they were talking about. While he stood and stared, the stranger walked past the group. All the girls were silent as they watched him walk down the hall. Once he was out of view, they started chatting, only this time, they were very loud.

Mudokon Female #1: Wow, did you see that guy? What a hunk!

Mudokon Female #2: He was SO dreamy!

Mudokon Female #3: What about that guy over there? He's kinda cute.

Abe saw that the girl was pointing towards him. He blushed and turned his head away nervously.

Mudokon Female #2: Isn't that that Abe guy? The one with the stitch lips?

Mudokon Female #1: He's such a weirdo. He hangs out with that weird Alf guy.

Mudokon Girl #3: It looks like he's hanging around that Gabbit now, too.

Mudokon Female #2: What a weirdo.

Abe moaned sorrowfully and walked off, while Munch hopped beside him.

Munch: Dude, you ain't mad at me for hangin' around you, are ya?

Abe: No, you heard them. They already thought I was weird.

As the walked away, a large Outlaw named Blisterz Booty approached the girls. He appeared to be flexing, and doing other such things to try to impress them. Suffice it to say, they were not impressed.

Mudokon Female #3: OH MY SHRYKULL, HE'S HIDEOUS!

Mudokon Female #1: MY EYES! SOMEBODY GAUGE 'EM OUT!

Mudokon Female #2: I think I'm gonna be sick!

A creepy Vykker kid came up behind the girls.

Creepy Vykker: If you do vomit, can I use it for an experiment. It's all in the name of science!

Mudokon Female #2: Eww, get away from me! You're almost as creepy as Blisterz!

Blisterz Booty: Aww, c'mon, don't be that way!

Mudokon Female #1: Let's all leave.

And so they do.

Blisterz Booty: Yer all a bunch o' dumb bitches anyways!

The author/narrator has now realized that we've spent too much time on focusing on unimportant, faceless characters. Now, we shall return to Abe and Munch. Why, look at that, they're outside now, getting ready for Gym.

Abe: We are?

Munch: When did that happen?

The two decided to shut their traps abruptly as their "coach" approached. A large Glukkon wearing a black suit with many medals dangling from it appeared. He had what looked like an eyepatch over one of his eyes.

Glukkon: Hey, you guys! My name's-a coach... Uh...uuuh...ummm...

A Slig standing next to him tugged on his suit.

Slig: Dripik.

Glukkon: Dripik! Yeah! I knew that. Now, I'm the boss of this here...uh....home ec class?

Slig: Gym.

Dripik: GYM! Yeah...I knew that too.

Loud yelling and crying was heard in the distance.

Slig: Boss, Phleg is trying to get in the Slog hut again.

Dripik: HEY, PHLEG! GET OUTTA THERE!

Phleg: It's not worth it! I want them to eat my delicious skin!

Abe: Wait a minute, there are Slogs here?

Dripik: Well yeah, didn't you know, boy? Today, we're gonna be doin' the Slog Run!

Shock and terror abound. Since cliffhangers are so epic and funny at the same time, I'll leave the fate of Munch and Abe to wait until the next installment.

Will the two make it past the deadly Slogs? Will the sinister plot of the Vykkers be revealed? And what of this mysterious Stranger fellow? Will Dripik learn to remember his own name? Will Phleg stop being such a dram queen? And where the hell is Aslik? All these questions may or may not be answered...whenever I get around to writing the next chapter. Wait for it, ya shmoes.

END OF CHAPTER 2.

[Moosh da Outlaw]

ROFL.

10char

[Oddey]

ROFL.

10char

No! That was my reply! The narrator being involved in the story is funny.

[ParasiteSklent]

Thanks for the comments everyone...just wanted to pop in and apologize for the lack of regular updates (waiting every three days for a chapter? NONSENSE). I tend to write...pretty slowly...so I'll get around to a new chapter ASAP.

[Oddey]

Thanks for the comments everyone...just wanted to pop in and apologize for the lack of regular updates (waiting every three days for a chapter? NONSENSE). I tend to write...pretty slowly...so I'll get around to a new chapter ASAP.

It's no big deal because I usually take what 5-7 days to write one chapter and mine are at least three times shorter. Besides I've got other things on my mind too. But I do want to see that next chapter.

[ParasiteSklent]

It's amazing what putting something off for nearly a week will do to a fanfic. I really like this chapter, it's MAGICAL. I've been putting it off mainly because I was having a lack of ideas, but, well...they're coming now. YAY. Here ya go.

CHAPTER THREE

When we last left this fan fiction, Abe and Munch were doing stuff!

Munch: You don't remember where you left off, do you?

...Uh...I must now chastise the author.

Abe: I thought you were the author.

I'm author/narrator, all rolled into one! I've declared it! Now I must yell at myself. Author self, why haven't you been writing? It's been a week.

Mandy: I...I've been trying...

NO EXCUSES!

Mandy: BAAAWWW!!!

Anyway, where were we? Slog run? Yes! Dripik was informing our main homies about the Slog Run.

Dripik: SLOG RUN!

Abe: You're gonna make us run with-

Dripik: SLOGS! YEAH!

Abe and Munch stare blankly at Dripik.

Dripik: Uuuh... See that big rock over there? You gotta run toward it without gettin' eaten. See ya.

The slig accompanying Dripik pulled a lever. In the distance, the door to the slog hut opened, and out they came, pouring out in heaps. Much freaking out ensued.

Without thinking, Abe sprinted toward the rock, leaving Munch behind. Munch gawked at the huge pack of slogs running toward him and started hopping. Having only one large foot, he was having trouble picking up speed, and the slogs were gaining on him. He started hopping as fast as his disproportionate body could take him, but the slogs kept approaching.

Munch: Abe, I can't keep goin'!

Munch turned behind him to look at the slogs and tripped, falling face-first onto the ground. He raised his thin arms and tried to crawl across the ground, as the slig in the distance laughed. Abe, meanwhile, was coming close to the big rock. He turned his head and saw Munch struggling to get away from the murderous pack. Reluctantly, he turned around and ran toward the gabbit. Just as the slogs were about to grind their teeth into Munch's massive head, Abe arrived, picked him up, and ran like hell. Unfortunately for both of them, Munch's weight made Abe run slower, so the slogs were still hot on their heels.

Munch: Come on Abe, go faster!

Abe: I can't run any faster, you're too heavy!

Abe started to slow down more.

Abe: And I'm getting pretty tired.

Munch: Abe, if you stop, we'll die!

A thought suddenly ran through Munch's head. He started fidgeting and tried to turn.

Abe: What are you doing?!

Munch: That Expresso! Where is it?

Abe: We can't use that, it's bad!

Munch: Getting eaten is worse! Drink it, somethin' might happen!

Abe: That's what I'm afraid of!

Munch: DAMMIT ABE, JUST DRINK IT!

Munch finally maneuvered around and pulled the can from Abe. He opened it and shoved it in Abe's mouth.

Munch: Anything happen?

Abe: I don't know, I don't feel any-

Before Abe could finish his sentence, a strange, tingling sensation came over him. He became very jittery, but strangely energized, and his legs started moving faster than he ever thought he could move before. He left the slogs in his dust, while Munch desperately clung to Abe's head for dear life. Passers-by would go on to mention that when he passed, they could barely tell it was a Mudokon; it looked more like a quick blue blur. That was NOT meant to be a Sonic the Hedgehog reference, but I guess you could take it that way, perhaps-

Dripik: SLOG RUN!

Oh, right. Anyhoo, Abe was continued to run at light speed, and he finally ran into the big rock...literally. As he smacked into the stone, Munch flew into the air and landed straight on his head at the top of the boulder. Abe nearly tumbled over, but Munch somehow managed to pull him up before any slogs began to nip at his feet. At the top of the rock, the two caught their breaths, then laughed nervously as slogs jumped up and barked at them.

A small group of sligs came and restrained the slogs, as Dripik and his assistant slig approached the Mudokon and Gabbit.

Dripik: Hey, dat was some good runnin' out there. Too bad you, uh, ran in the wrong direction.

Munch and Abe's eyeballs nearly flew out of their skulls.

Abe and Munch: WHAT?!

Slig: You were supposed to run to that big rock over there.

The slig pointed behind himself, revealing an even more massive rock, which other mudokons were already sitting on.

Dripik: Don't worry 'bout it, I won't make ya do it again.

Abe and Munch sighed with relief.

Dripik: Nope...you'll do that one over there.

The slig pointed to what appeared to be a never-ending, deadly obstacle course, filled with slogs, land mines, boulders, bottomless pits, and a few defective Greeters. The two were stunned at the sight of it.

Munch: No, no no, there ain't no way I'm goin' through that.

Munch began to stand, but fell back down, grabbing at his leg and wincing.

Abe: Uh, Coach Dripik, I think he hurt his leg out there. He shouldn't go on there-

Dripik: Too bad, get movin'.

Two sligs came up and pulled Abe and Munch off the boulder. They dragged the two along the ground and threw them toward the obstacle course. Madness ensued.

ONE HOUR LATER...

Abe and Munch came crawling out of the course looking like utter crap, for lack of a better description.

Dripik: Damn, boys, you look like you just came outta the wrong end of an Elum. Go see the Doc or somethin'.

AND SO THEY DID

Abe managed to make his way to the Doc's office, dragging Munch behind him. Behind a desk sat a Vykker with bleach white skin, wearing scraggly old clothes and a top hat. He looked up at the two and did a double take.

Abe: You gotta help us...

Doc Vykker: Whoa. Lemme guess...you just came outta Dripik's little playground, didn't ya?

Abe nodded, slightly embarrassed.

Doc Vykker: Mind telling me why you dragged that thing in here?

Abe looked down at Munch and picked him up by the head.

Abe: Well, uh... He can't walk. He fell before, and he's been hurt since then. I think his leg's broken.

The vykker walked around the desk and tugged Munch away from Abe. He held the gabbit with two arms and grabbed onto his leg with the other two.

Doc Vykker: Tell me if this hurts, kay?

Munch nodded quickly. The vykker pulled on Munch's leg, making him scream.

Doc Vykker: Yep, it's broken.

Abe: Did ya really have to pull his leg like that? Couldn't you have...I dunno, maybe-

Doc Vykker: Yeah, well, I'm the doctor here, right? I think I have a better idea of what I'm doing than you, stitch lips. Besides, if there wasn't any pain involved, I wouldn't be doing my job. Now, he's not gonna be able to walk for a while, so I'll put him in this wheelchair.

The vykker went into the back room and came out with a small wheelchair. It looked as if it were made specifically for a gabbit. He picked Munch up and propped him into it.

Doc Vykker: Feel any better?

Munch: Not really.

Doc Vykker: Good, be seeing ya.

Abe: But what about me? My ribs kinda hurt...

Doc Vykker: They look fine to me, now get moving.

The vykker shoved the two out the door and went back to his desk. As he sat down, the door swung open again.

Doc Vykker: Oh, for Odd's sake, I thought I told you to-

He looked up and saw the stranger. He instantly shut his mouth. Stranger walked in slowly and dropped a small sack on the desk. The vykker laughed nervously.

Doc Vykker: Oh, sorry about yelling like that, I thought you were someone else.

The stranger glared and growled, while the vykker shivered.

Doc Vykker: ...OK... So, uh, you got what I asked for?

Stranger: Right here.

He pushed the sack toward the vykker. He opened it, revealing five Fuzzles with muzzles over their mouths. They too were shivering.

Doc Vykker: Alright, they look nice and fresh. This'll do, for now. So, how about you bring me some Fleeches? We'll have to do a few extra tests on the ones we let out recently.

Stranger: Ain't I done enough o' your...errands, by now?

Doc Vykker: Oh, well. I guess you did...that is, if you don't want me to take care of your...condition.

Stranger growled deeply again, clearly becoming irritated.

Doc Vykker: Hey, getting pissed off won't help... So can I expect those fleeches by tomorrow morning?

Stranger hesitated for a moment.

Stranger: ...Sure thing.

Doc Vykker: That's what I like to hear.

The vykker stolled into the back room, while Stranger stormed out of the room, silently fuming and worrying at the same time.

BACK WITH ABE AND MUNCH...

The pair reached a room with the word "ART" written over the door in large red letters. As Abe grabbed the doorknob, Munch started to roll away slowly in his wheelchair.

Abe: Aren't you coming, Munch?

Munch looked away nervously.

Munch: Nuh-uh. I got another class now.

Abe: ...Oh. So, uh... I'll see you later, then?

Munch: Yeah.

Abe wasn't sure why, but he felt a bit upset about seeing Munch go. They were becoming good friends faster than he thought they would. When Abe walked into the room, looking forlorn, he looked up and saw Alf.

Alf: Hey there, stitch lips! Long time no see!

Abe sat down next to Alf.

Abe: Hi. How's it been here for you so far?

Alf: It's great! Did you see that Clakker explode before? Awesome! I can't believe something like that happened while we were here! Ain't it great, Abe?

Abe: Yeah. Great.

Alf: ...Hey man, what's up? Has that gabbit been gettin' ya down?

Abe: Huh? No...I'm not sure I like it here. Lots of weird stuff's been going on so far.

Alf: Come on Abe, it'll grow on ya sooner or later. You shoulda see what happened to me during Algebra. There was this guy, and he was...

As Alf began to recount what was probably another gruesome story, Abe zoned off and looked around the room. Despite it being an art class, there seemed to be no art around at all; the scenery was also different by the different species there. All the classes Abe attended so far mostly had mudokons, clakkerz, and sligs, while this class was dominated by Grubbs and Interns, though there was still a healthy number of mudokons. Abe started to wonder why there were so many mudokons around, but as usual, he pushed the thought to the back of his mind, thinking of it as unimportant.

Alf: ...and then his head blew right off! Crazy stuff, hey Abe?

Abe: Huh?

Alf: Were you zoning out on me again?

Abe: Well-

Alf: Nevermind. Class is gonna start soon.

Like a freakish Jack-in-the-box, a glukkon came popping up from behind a cupboard.

Glukkon: HEY! We are going to be spending out time togezer making some DEEELISHUS BREW! I am zee Brewmaster! Listen to what I say and follow my orders!

Abe: But I thought this was an art class-

Brewmaster: Making zee finest, smoothest, most delectable brew IS art! You zere! You will by my first volunteer! YOU! Intern guy! Bring me zee pepper spray!

Abe: Why would you need pepper spray for- ACK!

The intern began spraying pepper spray directly into Abe's bloodshot eyes.

Alf: What the hell are you doing?!

Brewmaster: Spray him too! DO IT!

The intern obeyed, giving Alf a blast of pepper spray. Tears came pouring out from both mudokons.

Brewmaster: Quickly, grab zat cup over zere!

The intern ran to a cupboard and grabbed a plastic cup, catching the tears as the fell from the mudokon's cheeks.

Brewmaster: Excellent! Now, we shall mix zese tears with zee rest of zee brew, adding a sweet taste to it!

The intern mixed the tears in. He put a straw in the cup and put it near the Brewmaster. He took a sip, but then spit it out.

Brewmaster: NO NO NO! IT EEZ TOO BITTER! I needs more bones!

Abe spoke between sobs.

Abe: BONES?!

Alf managed to make his way to a sink. He filled a cup with water and threw it in his eyes. They still burned, but he could see a little. He went back to Abe, nearly ramming into desks, and threw the rest of the water in his face. Just as Abe's sight began to come back (though not very much), the intern grabbed a hold of one of his hands. He had a large cleaver in his other hand, and he raised it above his head.

Brewmaster: Bones and tears make zee best brew! Thank you for volunteering! Now, cut off his hand! DO IT!

As the intern lowered the blade, a loud alarm rang out. The cleaver was inches from Abe's wrist, but the intern stopped.

Brewmaster: Ooooh, lunch break! We will continue this later! See you!

The crazy glukkon went hopping out of the room. Alf continued to rinse out his eyes, while Abe passed out with fear.

And so, another mighty fine chapter comes to a close. What will become of Abe and-

Aslik: HEY!

...What?

Aslik: Hey, you! Yeah, you! Where the hell am I?!

I'm getting to you, be patient.

Aslik: You said I'd be in this next chapter! What happened to, 'Oh don't worry, Aslik!''You'll be in the next chapter for SURE, Aslik!' 'You know you're my favorite Glukkon, Aslik!' WHAT THE HELL?! QUIT SCREWIN' ME OVER, MISSY!

...But you ARE my favorite Glukkon.

Aslik: NO MORE EXCUSES! SLIGS, GET HER!

It appears some sligs have caught your author/narrator hostage. I will be writing the next chapter at gunpoint to ensure massive quality.

Aslik: That's because Uncle Aslik gets things done!

Mudos Academy, Chapter 4: Coming soon. With 100% more Aslik.

Aslik: DAMN STRAIGHT!

[OddYouko]

I love this fanfic! I almost fell outta my chair laughing!
Great stuff ParasiteSklent! Very funny too!
I feel sorry for Abe and Munch.

How did you come up with these funny ideas?

[ParasiteSklent]

...That's a very good question. XD That kinda stuff just runs through my head constantly... Maybe I'm naturally funny? I dunno.

[OddYouko]

Well you're good at writing funny OW stuff.
Can't wait for more. Keep it up!

[ParasiteSklent]

These updates are coming too few and far between. But I came out on my promise...100% more Aslik. Gotta love that guy.

CHAPTER 4

And so, here I am, typing at my computer, while a Slig holds me at gunpoint. What fun is being had at this moment.

Slig: Hey, less talk, more writing!

Mandy: But...but I've been busy...

Slig: NO MORE EXCUSES! GET THOSE FINGERS MOVING!

The slig shoves me with the barrel of his gun.

Mandy: OK, OK! I'm getting to it! I'm sorry!

********************

WHERE WERE WE?!

Abe and Munch were-

Aslik: HEY!

...What?

Aslik: You promised I'd be in this chapter!

Well...you are. Right now.

Aslik: I demand more time for the negligence! Three whole chapters have been Aslik-less! THREE, DAMMIT! I demand some spotlight! It's MY time to shine!

...OK then.

And so, Abe and Munch were shoved away, taking a break somewhere. Go get yourselves some smoothies or something.

Abe and Munch: YAY!

Now, we will go back to-

Aslik: No way, sister. I'M takin' over this story!

But-

Aslik: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME! GET BACK TO WORK! KEEP TYPING THOSE WORDS!

OK, you're the boss! All narrating goes to you!

Alright, that's more like it... Am I on? Is this my disembodied voice? Alrighty, this chapter's gonna be all about your ole' Uncle Aslik, yours truly! SO, where to begin? Since I've been demoted from the Vice President of FeeCo, I gotta work at this crappy school as a guidance counselor or something. So there I was, sitting at my desk, bein' all pissy about losing my job, when this Grubb guy walks in!

Grubb: Hi, Mr. Aslik, dude.

So I says to him,

Aslik: What the hell do you want?

Mandy: That's not the appropriate way to address the students.

...Oh, right? I mean...

Aslik: Why, hello there, how may I help you?

So I try faking a smile while he parks his ass on a chair in front of me. He says,

Grubb Guy: Dude, my pet Fuzzle died, and when we tried to bring him back to life, he exploded! It was nasty, man! Now I want to kill myself! What should I do?

Aslik: Eh? Oh. Just run around with the Slogs or something. I think Phleg beat you to it.

Phleg: *From outside* LIFE'S NOT WORTH LIVING WITHOUT MY MOOOOLAAAAHHH!!!

Grubb Guy: But- But the slogs'll tear off my skin. That'll hurt.

Aslik: Ain't that the point? Listen here, kid, I got bigger problems to deal with. See this little office here? It's small cuz I ain' makin' no dough. No moolah, no nice stuff. The only way I can get what I want is to be the head honcho, the big cheese of this dump! So you knows what Uncle Aslik's gotta do?

Grubb Guy: Uh-

Aslik: That's right, I gotta overthrow Molluck! After Rupture Farms went under, he became the principle here! And why? WHY?! I did a lot more work than he did! I was much more efficient! It's Aslik's time to take over! SAY IT WITH ME! IT'S ASLIK'S TIME TO SHINE!

Grubb Guy: ...Uh...it's Aslik's time to-

Aslik: LOUDER! LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

Grubb Guy: IT'S ASLIK'S TIME TO SHINE!

Aslik: HELL YEAH!

Grubb Guy: But won't Molluck get mad when he finds out you wanna steal his job, dude?

Was this grubb a moron or something? My monocle nearly fell off just listening to him. So, I leap up on my desk and say,

Aslik: What are you smoking?! You can't tell him! There's no way you're leaving this room! Word can't get out! Restrain him!

That's when I realized there wasn't a slig with me.

Aslik: ...Uh...

Grubb Guy: Can I...please...leave now?

Aslik: NEVER! YOU! Old narrator lady! Restrain him!

Mandy: But I can't-

Aslik: DO IT!

Mandy: OK, OK, I'm sorry!

Using her incredible powers of fourth wall breakage, that chick managed to hold the grubb down for me.

Aslik: OK, now tie him up!

Mandy: You're just gonna leave him here?

Aslik: Yeah, why not? You're the one writing it!

Mandy: ...Oh yeah...

AND SO SHE DID.

Aslik: Now that that's taken care of, I can take a nap.

Mandy: What about usurping Molluck's position? Isn't that your top priority right now?

Aslik: I can say the same thing about your little fan fiction here.

Mandy: ...Touché.

AND SO, having sewn the seeds of a nice little subplot, I take back the reigns of the story to get this thing a-movin'.

Abe and Alf staggered out of the classroom, occasionally running into walls due to their impaired vision. Though they washed the pepper spray from their eyes, the spicy pain still lingered.

Abe: I can't see very well, but this smoothie is great!

Alf: Hey, how come I didn't get one?

Abe: ...I dunno.

Munch came wheeling toward the two Mudokons in his wheelchair. He also had a smoothie.

Munch: These guys make some good smoothies, don't they Abe?

Abe: They sure do?

Alf: Why can't I have one?

Narrator sez: I made you a smoothie, but I eated it.

Alf: ...No. You lose points for making lame jokes.

...Oh, look over there. Something is happening.

SCENE MISSING

Dripik: SLOG RUN!

And then they're chased by slogs again.

Abe: WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO US?!

BECAUSE IT AMUSES ME SO. After much pumping of the legs, and in Munch's case, his arms, the three make it into the cafeteria, which for some reason is off-limits for slogs. That's lazy writing for you.

ANYWAY

Within the cafeteria were a slew of different Oddworld species; Sligs, Mudokons, Clakkerz, Outlaws, Interns, Glukkons, Vykkers, and Grubbs, all mingling together in the celebratory act of feast. Or, at least trying to eat while punk sligs and outlaws shove their heads into their food. Whichever, really.

As the three advanced further into the large room, the smells of the food wafted into their nostrils, and they followed them hungrily. At the front of the room, several varieties of meat were being sold; Paramite Pies, Scrab Cakes, byproducts from Elums, and others. At the side of the room stood several vending machines, ranging from Expresso to Zap! and So-

Abe: I hope you weren't going to say Sobé.

...Soy bean. Soy bean juice. That's what I was going to say.

Munch: Isn't that Soy Milk?

...There appears to be a poster in front of you. I suggest you read it.

Alf turned and read a large bright poster, which read, "New and Tasty!" in bold yellow letters.

Alf: New and Tasty...? I wonder what that could be?

Abe: Didn't Rupture Farms go out of business? How come there's still Scrab Cakes and stuff here?

From behind one of the vending machines, Stranger appeared, staring at Abe with the intense glare of his green eyes.

Stranger: There's some things the guys runnin' this joint...don't want ya t' know.

Abe and Munch looked at each other and shrugged. Behind them came a loud, booming voice, making them flinch. They were both pushed aside as Blisterz Booty came through, straight toward Stranger. Alf, knowing something bad was about to go down, ran off, leaving Munch and Abe to fend for themselves.

Blisterz Booty: Finally found you, pretty boy. I got a bone to pick with you.

As his voice carried across the cafeteria, several clakkerz and sligs turned their heads to see what was going on. Most of the others kept to their business.

Blisterz Booty: I don't like how you been struttin' yer stuff down the hall, like you own the place, makin' me look bad.

Stranger: Well...it ain't my fault you got a face only yo' momma could love.

More people started turning their attention towards the two, with several "Ooooohs" emerging from the distance. Soon, a small crowd started forming.

Blisterz Booty: Hey, you leave mah momma outta this!

Stranger: Or what? You gonna run home an' cry?

As the crowd grew larger, a slig started chanting.

Slig: Fight, fight, fight, fight-

To which the others joined in.

Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Abe and Munch stared warily at the crowd.

Abe: I think we better get outta here before something happens.

Munch: Let's grab some food first.

Abe: OK.

Abe reached over to grab two Paramite Pies. He handed one to Munch, and walked off with the other. Not looking where he was going, the mudokon tripped on a gob of food on the ground. He slipped and fell, while the pie flew into the air...and landed straight on the head of Blisterz Booty.

Abe: Oops.

Several clakkerz in the crowd stifled back laughter. Blisterz slowly turned to face Abe, when a crazed mudokon stood on top of a table, a Paramite Pie in hand.

Mudokon: FOOD FIGHT!

The mudokon launched the pie, which struck an intern in the middle of his face. Angrily wiping the pie from him, the intern grabbed a live fuzzle and hurled it at the mudokon. As it landed, furious about being thrown, it started biting the mudokon, making him writhe in pain. A clakker walked up to the intern, horrified.

Clakker: You threw mah Fuzzy Wumpkins! YOU MUST DIE!

The clakker grabbed a handful of Scrab Cakes and tossed them, missing his target and hitting a slig. From there, it was chaos. Everyone was throwing everything at each other. Elum bits flew through the air as grubbs barely dodged giant chunks of meat, while sligs flung gobs of mush at anyone who came their way.

Blisterz didn't forget about Abe, however, and came running after him. The mudokon got to his feet and ran as fast as he could. As Blisterz advanced on him, he reached the vending machines and climbed to the top of them. Blisterz grabbed the machine and shook it, while Abe struggled to stay on. More bits of food flew through the air, pummeling Blisterz. Undeterred, he continued to shake. From another machine, Stranger stood and thrust out his arm, revealing a crossbow. He grabbed several cans from the machine and loaded them into the crossbow. Taking aim, he fired the cans at Blisterz, spraying foam everywhere, and effectively stopping Blisterz.

Meanwhile, Munch became lost in the crowd. He was nearly trampled by a passing outlaw, his fists full of now unidentifiable meat. One of the wheels on his wheelchair got stuck on the food lining the ground, and he was pummeled by a colorful array of tasty treats. Several fuzzles fell to the ground around him and began eating the food lining the ground. This released Munch from his position, and he wheeled himself to the vending machines, rejoining Abe. The two crouched behind the machines, avoiding the battle as best they could. Stranger leapt down from his perch and ran through the double doors, nearly toppling over a slig who came running in. He had a paper in his hand, and he was panting heavily. Barely catching his breath, the slig began to shout.

Slig: HEY! LISTEN!

The food fight went on, and the slig went ignored. He pulled out a megaphone from behind him and yelled into it.

Slig: HEY!!! LISTEN!!!

Everyone immediately stopped and put their full attention to the slig at the doors.

Slig: I got a message from Molluck! He says that Lulu just inherited three million moolah from his ma!

All the creatures stood awestruck and stared stupidly at the slig. I'm ashamed at the alliteration I just used, but anyhoo... Noticing the commotion had died down, Abe and Munch made their escape.

********************

From inside an office on an upper level of the building, Humphrey and Irwin sat in front of several monitors, watching through cameras at the chaos inside the cafeteria.

Irwin: Wow, I'm glad we don't have to clean that up!

Humphrey: Looks like the gabbit made it out alive. Impressive.

Irwin: Does that mean we...

Humphrey: Sure thing. Call some of the interns, tell them we're ready. Oh, and make sure that he sees...this.

Humphrey lifts up a can in between his claws. He puts it to the dim monitor light, to reveal a can of the now extremely rare Gabbiar.

**************

More drama! More intrigue! And of course, more major LULZ!

Aslik: Not to mention 100% more Aslik!

What lies in store for Abe and Munch? What will those devious Vykkers do with that Gabbiar? What will Lulu do with all that moolah? How much longer will the next update be?

That sure is a good question! I guess you'll just have to wait, ya loons, you! And away I go!

[skillyaslig]

Lulz are juicy-as Wonderful wonderful, Alice in wonderland Wonderful! ^^
Very interesting read indeed, I applaud! *claps happily*

[OddYouko]

Great great chapter!
I loved the food fight scene.

Can't wait for the next chapter! I get chills everytime I think of Mullock the Principle!
Love reading this!

[Moosh da Outlaw]

Yay! Another chapter! =D Sorry I didn't post before, i've been busy.
Anywho, yes, its funny to see yourself using your all-powerful-godmodding abilities to keep the story going. And its funny that the characters actually know that you're there and get to have a say in what happens in the story. xD
Can't wait to read more!

[GlacierDragon]

Sorry for not commenting in a while. Anyway, this last chapter made me laugh (well, they all do). And Mullok being Principle caught me by surprise!

[Oddey]

(Long laughing sound.) Bahahaha(Gasp.) Ahaaaahaahaaa! Dripik screaming Slog Run was just to much for me. I burst out laughing there, at the smothie thing, and the Clakker who said YOU MUS DIE! Fuzzy Wumpkins...

[ParasiteSklent]

Ahaha, thanks for all the nice comments, guys. Makes me happeh. I'll try to make up the favor by updating this more often...I swear, the Slog Run thing might turn into a running joke...

[Hulaabeo]

I can imagine it now....Slig " Hello Dri-"
Dripik : "SLOG RUN"

[ParasiteSklent]

...Hm...when you put it that way, it doesn't sound very good at all. :/ I just realized it's been 4 days since I updated. I said it'd be a quicker update this time. I LIED. PHAILURE.

[OddYouko]

I can wait..take all the time you want but make sure not to long.
I'll reread the other very funny chapters.

Again great and funny stuff ParasiteSklent!

[Hulaabeo]

...Hm...when you put it that way, it doesn't sound very good at all. :/ I just realized it's been 4 days since I updated. I said it'd be a quicker update this time. I LIED. PHAILURE.

I thought that up in 2 seconds so no wonder it would'nt beso funny.

[OddYouko]

Please continue this ParasiteSklent! I love it and it makes me laugh..I don't want it to go down. It's really funny to read plus I like picturing it in my head!

I looovvee reading this!!! D=