jokes

Joshy · #1 08-30-2002, 04:27 AM

A Long Country Road

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Joshy · #2 08-30-2002, 04:34 AM

Beer for Thought

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Central Gluk 27 · #3 08-31-2002, 05:41 AM

Good Jokes Happyguy, particually the long country road one.

I have a blonde Joke

3 blondes walk into a bar. You would have thought the third one would have noticed

Central Gluk 27 · #4 08-31-2002, 05:52 AM

A Japanese man, a brazillian man and an Irish man are sitting in a bar. The Japanese man starts beeping, he looks at his hand, he says that with technology they have installed a beeper and his hand. The Brazillian starts ringing, he starts talking in his hand, he says that with technology they have installed a phone in his hand. The Irish man thinks to himself "geez I have nothing to brag about". But then he goes to the toilet and puts some toiletpaper up his rear and lets it hang out. He walks out and the brazillian and the Japanese man says you have a piece of toilet paper hanging out of you rear, and the Irish man says Oh, I must be receiving a fax

Joshy · #5 08-31-2002, 07:22 AM

that was a good 1.

If Guns Are Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Have Guns.
Pain Is Only Weakness Leaving Your Body.
Be An Adult And Not A Kid Before You Piss Lift The Lid.
Better To Be Pissed Off Than Pissed On.
When You Choke A Smurf What Color Does It Turn?
Never Underestimate Stupid People In Large Groups
A World Without String Is Chaos.
If You Stick Your Hand Out Of The Window To Far, It Will Go Home In Another Car.
Two Wrongs Dont Make A Right, But Three Rights Make A Left.
War Does Not Decide Who is Right, But Who’s Left.
Always remember...you’rare unique, just like everyone else.
Constipated people dont give a shit.

Joshy · #6 08-31-2002, 07:25 AM

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . .
The Army is still looking for him.

Joshy · #7 08-31-2002, 07:28 AM

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.
1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) How many seconds are there in a year?
3) What is God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... I'll give you credit for that answer.
"How about the second one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question."
"Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."

Joshy · #8 08-31-2002, 07:41 AM

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Joshy · #9 08-31-2002, 07:50 AM

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Joshy · #10 09-03-2002, 04:41 AM

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand in addition to a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!

paramiteabe · #11 09-03-2002, 10:30 PM

Here are 2 blonde jokes!

Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Is it mine?

Jacob · #12 09-04-2002, 12:05 PM

I dont really like Blonde jokes that much, but some of them can be quite funny. Ermm...whats the funniest joke i've heard...Hmmmm...Oh yeh, this geek kid once said he was popular than me...and i was like "Yeh, and who's the one with all the friends and Gucci sunglass'" That was a funny moment *Sighs happily*

Disgruntled Intern · #13 09-04-2002, 12:51 PM

You know, I've often wondered what it would be like to be as superficial as you....I just can't comprehend it. I think I hate myself too much to be superficial...wait...I guess hating myself is kind of superficial...

Oh, about the donut joke...sure, holding the twelve donuts would be a feat...but the hole in the middle of a dunut is pretty narrow, if you get my drift..

Jacob · #14 09-04-2002, 07:40 PM

Width is treasured more than Length...if you get my drift...

Disgruntled Intern · #15 09-04-2002, 09:35 PM

True that, yo!

Abe-gun · #16 09-05-2002, 01:17 AM

There was an American, a Mexican, and a fat lady. The American jumped off a cliff and sayd, "God bless America." The Mexican jumped off and sayd, "God bless Mexico." The fatty jumped off and sayd, "God bless whoever I land on.

In the end, and I swear, you could here the SPLAT!!!!!

Disgruntled Intern · #17 09-05-2002, 01:28 AM

These jokes are just for LUKE[!]

How many 'punks' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. One to screw it in, and three to tell him he sold out.

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! Let the whiney bastards cry in the dark.

Joshy · #18 09-06-2002, 04:35 AM

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

General Drippik · #19 09-06-2002, 07:20 AM

Hmmmm... No, that jokes too rude. Ummm.. I know! Listen up!

A blonde walks into a shop to buy a telly. She goes up to the counter and saays, i want that telly. The guy at the counter goes, "sorry, don't serve blondes".
She goes the next day with a wig on and says, "i want that telly
". The guy at the counter goes, "sorry, don't serve blondes."
Next day, she goes into the shop with a red wig, glasses and a fur coat and says, "i want that telly." He goes, "i don't serve blondes". She goes, "how do you know i'm a blonde?" The guy goes, "it's a microwave".

Central Gluk 27 · #20 09-06-2002, 09:33 AM

So many good jokes, particually the Army joke.

There are 3 blondes that want to get across a river, and they get granted a wish each to get across the river. The first blonde wishes to be a brunette, so she swims across. The second blonde wishes to be a brunette with glasses, so she says "stuff that, there is a canoe here, I'll use that to get across. The third blonde wishes to be a man and she says "bugger those ideas, there's a bridge, I'll walk across.

Jacob · #21 09-06-2002, 04:30 PM

I prefare the last joke when its a group of men and the last man wishes to be clever and they turn him into a woman.

Cental Drippick, quiet. You may ruin the only reason i actually read this topic.

SeaRex · #22 09-06-2002, 07:06 PM

:

Originally posted by Disgruntled Intern
These jokes are just for LUKE[!]

How many 'punks' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. One to screw it in, and three to tell him he sold out.

Oh... I will destroy you. I'm halfway tempted to dig up some good goth jokes...

:

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! Let the whiney bastards cry in the dark.

Hehehe... those are great. Most Emo sucks anyhow, so I say go ahead! Let the whiney bastards cry in the dark.

Joshy · #23 09-07-2002, 12:17 AM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL.""

Joshy · #24 09-07-2002, 12:35 AM

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of country capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. "
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Japan? "
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: it's J."

Joshy · #25 09-07-2002, 01:22 AM

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says. "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Disgruntled Intern · #26 09-07-2002, 02:02 PM

Luke, hate to tell you, but I'm not really 'goth' anymore. Still wear some of my 'goth' clothes from time to time...but I've been gradually sinking back into the punk scene. Shame on me.

Still want to hear those goth jokes, though..

Jacob · #27 09-07-2002, 02:31 PM

I once saw a Goth who had red streaks in his hair, seemed to me as if a flock of female pigiens had their periods mid-flight. (I just love that comment)

SeaRex · #28 09-07-2002, 05:38 PM

:

Originally posted by Disgruntled Intern
Luke, hate to tell you, but I'm not really 'goth' anymore. Still wear some of my 'goth' clothes from time to time...but I've been gradually sinking back into the punk scene. Shame on me.

Oh... well... that's not an excuse! *shakes fist angrily*

:

Still want to hear those goth jokes, though..

Hehe... I bluff... all my jokes involve boring stories that few people know of... taa. But if I did know some goth jokes... I'd... I'd... erm... *shakes fist again*

General Drippik · #29 09-08-2002, 07:47 AM

Why did the rooster cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why?
Coz the pub was over there.
Why?
So he could get pissed.
Why?
So he could go to the dunny.
Why?
Coz that's where all the cocks hang out.

General Drippik · #30 09-08-2002, 09:10 AM

What is Wally's latest invention?
An ejector seat on a helicopter!

What's Dick's latest invention?
Vents on a condom!