heres some thing my dad got sent, it's quite funny and long:
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide,
a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as @#&% everything has shifted."
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or
were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an anouncement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after
a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
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