[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

• You give the pixels on your computer screen names.
• Sid Spoon and Fred Fork go for an adventure in Sinkland.
• Catchphrase, Commonwealth Games Bowls and Pingu seem like decent entertainment.
• Certain videogame characters seem worryingly attractive.
• You chew your toenails for pleasure rather than for need.
• You are counting down the days to your holiday in Wales with your younger brother who likes to put his head down the toilet.
• The only variety you experience is your choice of breakfast cereal, walking down the 'other road' (which runs parallel to the one you normally take) to the bread shop, and playing your CDs on the DVD player instead of the hi-fi.
• You play Minesweeper on your mother's mobile phone.
• You voluntarily accompany your mother to Sainsbury's.
• You place an order on Amazon for 150 XBoxes then cancel it ten minutes later just to piss them off.
• You don't mind when a song gets stuck in your head.
• You've watched the Chemical Brothers' 'Star Guitar' video several times in a row.
• You squeeze the nectarines every hour to see if they're ripe yet.
• You look at your poo more than 12 seconds.
• It amuses you to call the cat over to you and annoy her by completely ignoring her when she arrives.
• You write rude words with your chips/penne/Lego.
• You sit extracting all the nuts and raisins from fruit & nut chocolate bars.
• You laugh out loud when you glance at the 'organic choco bars' in Sainsbury's and mistake the writing for 'organic Chocobo bars'