[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

- And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

- I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

- The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

- I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.