[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during an ad break.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in beer.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the footy team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Rubbish would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"