[Mac Sirloin]

But Sonic is a modern epic!

Once upon a time there was a hedgehog. He wore shoes and could run very fast. He lived with the animals in a pristine wilderness and everyone was happy. One day, a big fat industrialist with a moustache appeared. He didn't like pristine wilderness because it didn't benefit him. So he stole the magical rocks that were protecting these places and started to build ugly factories and robots to assert his dominance there. The animals were unhappy and the hedgehog was the unhappiest of all. So he ran across the grass. He ran across the hills and the bridges. He rolled through tunnels and leaped over chasms. Then he ran a bit more. He broke open the robots he encountered to free the animals inside as they hadn't have been subjected to horrific neurosurgery and biomechanisation in any way that could actually power a robot, so they could live happily again. Then he ran a bit more. Sometimes he had to run really fast to get up the sides of cliffs. Eventually he caught up with the fat man but the fat man had a big machine with a ball on it and tried to kill the hedgehog. The hedgehog managed to destroy the machine but the fat man got away. The hedgehog ran after him. After a while the grass beneath his feet started to look a bit sickly and pockets of lava appeared. He jumped across the lava because he was immune to convection and managed to land safely on the other side. Then he ran a bit more. He broke open a few more robots, and eventually he found the entrance to a cave. He went inside and found a lot of traps, as well as more robots and lava. He ran across bricks and hurried over pistons. He was capable of eating magical gold that made him invulnerable so he did that between each of the traps and robots and lava. Then he ran a bit more. Then he jumped onto a brick that somehow floated in magma and stood around for a bit while it moved across the crater of its own accord. After that he ran a bit more and jumped up some stairs that led him back into the open. He caught up with the fat man but the fat man had a big machine that shot fire and tried to kill the hedgehog. The hedgehog managed to destroy the machine but the fat man got away so the hedgehog ran after him. At some point the grass became rusty sheet metal, so he ran across the sheet metal. He found some springs and stepped on them and bounced far higher than he jumped because hedgehogs aren't taught physics. He hit some bumpers with his face and avoided smashing in his little erinaceine skull long enough to get to the top of the metal structures. Then he ran down again. He ran across more sheet metal and wire mesh and sheet metal with holes in it. He found hidden tunnels and ran through them too, smashing any robots he found there. Then he ran a bit more. He hit a few more springs and eventually he caught up with the fat man but the fat man had a big machine with a spike on it and tried to kill the hedgehog. The hedgehog managed to destroy the machine but the fat man got away. The hedgehog ran after him. Soon the metal stopped and there was bare stone underneath. He ran for a bit but the stone stopped abruptly and he fell into some water. He couldn't swim so he just ran along the bottom because that was easier somehow. There were robots in the water too, so he jumped through the water since that was different to swimming and broke them. Then he ran a bit more. He ran across plain stones. He bounced up ledges and crags. He ran across patterned stones and stones with crystals on them. Soon he was above the waterline again but the fat man had a big machine and tried to kill the hedgehog by making the water rise. The hedgehog managed to keep out of the water but the fat man got away, so the hedgehog ran after him. Then the stone became sheet metal again, but this sheet metal was green and also he was in space for some reason. The metal slanted wildly so the hedgehog ran forwards as fast as he could to keep himself against the surface. There weren't any robots but there were bombs but they blew themselves up so he didn't have to smash them. Despite this clearly extremely hazardous environment the atmosphere was calming so he just kept running. He ran across the metal, and also some different metal. He ran across beams and walkways. He ran through loops and launched himself on and off of see-saws. Then he ran some more. He jumped over big holes. Then he ran a bit more. This allowed him to catch up with the fat man but the fat man had a big machine which dropped bombs and tried to kill the hedgehog again. The hedgehog managed to destroy the machine but the fat man got away again; the hedgehog decided to run after him. The sheet metal changed into some different sheet metal. The sheets were grey and bigger. The metal was flat, perfect for running across, so he did that. He ran across moving platforms and rotating platforms, and jumped between them when he reached he ends. He tumbled into tubes and rolled around gears. He ran some more. He stopped briefly while there was fire in front of him, then he started running again. There were lots of robots here so he broke them. The sheet metal started to turn into stone blocks that looked suspicously like a pallette swap from an earlier area. He ran as far as he could but then he fell into some pink water so he had to start jumping again to avoid the traps there. He inhaled gas from slow-moving air bubbles that were emerging from somewhere. Then he ran a bit more. He eventually got out of the purple fluid and could run and jump normally again. The hedgehog found the fat man again easily as the fat man had stopped moving around. Unfortunately this was because the fat man had a big machine with pistons and lights that sparked everywhere. He tried to kill the hedgehog again, but he forgot to put all the pistons together at the same time so the hedgehog avoided them. Also he had put his pilot's compartment directly inside the functioning parts of the machine despite them being visibly capable of moving without him inside, so the hedgehog kept hitting him when he moved into the hedgehog's vicinity. Soon the hedgehog had managed to destroy the machine and the fat man gave up. He jumped into his hovering egg thing and flew to the right really slowly but the hedgehog had suddenly decided to move really slowly too so the fat man got away again. The hedgehog just stood there for a while and watched him. Maybe he was tired. While he had still been running, the hedgehog had also been jumping into sparkly teleporting posts that transported him to a trippy rotating crystalline labyrinth with birds in the background. He had not been able to run here but instead he bounced off of the walls until he got to the middle where the fat man had hidden one of the magical protecting rocks he had stolen. By the time he defeated the fat man for the last time the hedgehog had collected all of these rocks maybe so he started running again until he got back to the middle of the grassy place where he started. He squashed the rocks between his hands and all the animals bounced around him as he released the rocks back into the world so they could start doing whatever it was they did again. The animals were happy and the hedgehog was the happiest of all because he knew the big fat industrialist with the moustache was gone forever. Also the hedgehog was blue. The End.

EDIT: Contains spoilers.

Wow, it's so huge I don't even like seeing it on my screen.


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