[MA]

first of all, i'd like to apologize to the numerous people i've been a nasty bastard towards recently. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i see something that somehow aggravates me, even if it's nothing to do with me anyway, and decide to retort with torrents of shit no one likes to see. i try my best to insult and hurt other people when i get like that, i just see red and want someone else to take the blame. i do it with friends and family, too. not just online. it's gnawing away at my fucking insides and driving me insane.

afterwards i'll think "what i disgusting person i am. when did i get like this?" it tears me apart when i start laying into a friend or even a family member, i feel like absolute shit afterwards. it's just in that moment, when i'm seething, sweating, ranting and spitting, i want to hurt the cunts around me as much as humanly possible. i've come to blows with people before just because i took something the wrong way, or because i thought they were 'looking at me funny'. the fuck kind of excuse is that? i'm on medication for my psychosis and yet i continue to do these things. i ask for help and get pushed to the side. i drink because of this.

more to the point, this is why i'm leaving. i'm not making a big song and dance about it, i just thought it would be polite to at least give you a chance to understand why i'm leaving, instead of just fucking off without a word. the last thing i want is people getting the wrong idea and thinking i disappeared because i had enough of you, or because someone upset me, whatever. truth is i think you guys are fucking great. there have been numerous times where i've logged onto these forums whilst feeling like complete and utter useless shit, and actually been cheered up by some daft comment or piss-taking witticism. i'll read something and smirk, and that's all it takes.

fuck sake, rambling. in short: i don't want to become 'that guy' that everyone ignores and dislikes conversing with because they're just not nice. i'd rather leave on fairly neutral terms while i still can. this place has had a very positive effect on me personally over the years, as silly as that sounds, so the last thing i want is to turn into a genuinely nasty cunt and abuse the friendships i have here. i intend to sort out my fucking life, it's long overdue.

anyway, enough of this bullshit.

WHO LOVES YA, BABY?