As far as fan fictions go, it's not too bad. I like the informal first person narration, and though there's room for more sensory detail in your writing, the short chapters are an appealing size for those who don't have much time to read.
I must agree with enchilado on the matter of the Scorps though. Their designs seem a little generic in the fact that they mostly resemble the Devil in his common depiction. I've found that the best tool for creating your own Oddworld species is to look at the anatomical morphologies of existing Oddworld creatures/concepts and applying them to your own work. If done to a subtle enough extent, you can create unique designs that are still predominately "Odd".
Also, the names of Oddworld species tend to be spliced versions of the things they're based on. "Scorp" refers to the species' scorpion-like qualities, but by switching some letters around or combining the word with a suiting adjective, you can make a name seem much more Oddworldish. For example, "Scrop" is created by simply switching the O and the R; it's not much of a change, but it immediately makes it more affective.
...Pretty sure I went deeper into that than I should have done XD The story could be promising, I look forward to reading more c:
|