Alf should be spending twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, every week, sitting at his computer with a mug of extra-caffeinated tea, refreshing his e-mail twice every minute on the off-chance that one of us asks him a question. Then he can answer it, immediately, clearly, and compose a celebratory song (complete with dance routine) based on the question in our honour. Uploaded to YouTube, for our enjoyment. Get a team of animators on it if he has to. He's supposed to be PR, god dammit!
Only that could satisfy the fans. It won't of course. But damn, at least it's something.
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