This is one fast fanfic. I'd say Yavik and the unnamed Slig from chapter two could become quite interesting.
i personally would advise slowing down a bit, get into your character's heads, think their thoughts, bring out their emotions (although I do see that beginning to take shape
). I would also advise making a new paragraph whenever the scene changes otherwise it may seem a bit jumpy. Don't worry about these things to much though just keep going and these things will just come to you
Truth be told you've written more fanfics then me at this present time
