[MA]

Just as the title says, this is gonna be a thread filled with short stories. each story will only last one post, averaging on about 2 - 2½ pages in Word. they'll be odd, maybe shit, but i'm just gonna experiment and spit them out as i go.

critics welcome.

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On Holiday

“Good morning, Mr Tarrenesh. I think this is the earliest you've been awake.”

Squint-inducing light.

“Where's that light coming from?”

“Don't worry about that, its just an overhead lamp. Your sight will adjust in a few minutes; its been an awful long time!”

The light steadily becomes more bearable.

“I assume you'll be wishing to see your family.”

“I suppose. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, no reason.”

A typing noise.

“Apparently your mother bakes wonderful cakes.”

“What?”

“And makes cucumber sandwiches to die for!”

“Yeah, I suppose she does. This light is still hurting my eyes.”

“Oh sorry, silly me, I forgot to put your eye's back in!”

I struggle after hearing this distressing news, but discover I'm being restrained by straps or something similar.

“Please, don't struggle. You don't want eyes up your nostrils, do you? Or perhaps on the back of your head! Ha ha!”

The pain. This holiday wasn't worth the bother.

Dear god, the pain.

I left the holiday agents, finally having full use of my eyeballs, and strolled down to the garages where I stored away my car some 5 years ago.

The garages had burnt down. I asked a passing pedestrian what happened. Their reply was long-winded and tedious, but I understand that it was accidental.

My phone rings; another of those silly marketing calls. Then something captures my attention.

“Sorry, can you say that again?”

“I'm calling from Stuff Yer Car 'Ere, sir. I'd like to-”

I end the call, because I have been given a clue. I immediately head towards the local Stuff Yer Car 'Ere.

A fat man wearing mucky green overalls and donning a thick moustache walks up to me, wiping his hands with a rag.

“Yeah?” He grunts.

“Hello, good sir, I've just ended a five year How Do You Do holiday and wondered whether someone had been kind enough as to move my car from those nearby garages before it was burnt down.”

Every single one of these words sparked absolutely no emotion on the man's pug-like face, and I thought I may have to repeat myself if he hadn't given me a reply before I did so.

“Oh. A toff that got a holiday, are ya? Posh bastard.”

“That's me!” I replied, my jovial tone seeming to at last ignite some emotion on his grubby little face. I think it was surprise.

“Come on, then. It's 'round the back.” He grumbled. I don't know why he grumbled, but he did.

Within the hour I was driving merrily through town, wondering how I could staunch the blood flow from my broken nose. As I did this, I passed MacDoggyDouglas: a renowned and well respected fast food restaurant. “WHY NOT?” I thought.

The clerk wasn't very nice, so I shall leave this for now, if ever.

As I wiped the broken glass from the drivers seat, I noticed a syringe.

“Dirty buggers!” I cursed, carefully picking up the dirty needle and placing it in the glove compartment for safety. “There'll be no finickiness with DollDower in MY car, thank you very much.”

Locking the doors, I scoffed my MacDoggyDouglas meal in the most undignified manner humanly possible, and thought i'd finally go home, hoping my hands would turn a normal colour some time soon. The windowless door made the journey refreshingly breezy.

I arrived at my house within thirty minutes, and entered, not even having to unlock the door. It was just as I had left it, nothing had changed. I had so many happy memories here. I met my wife inside, but she was sleeping at the time. After all, it was nearing dusk! I stood and watched her for a while. So beautiful.

I flicked on the television downstairs, hoping to find a spot of Hey Diddle Diddle The Shark And The Pheasant, but was severely disappointed. Instead, I was greeted with a Right-On-Time news broadcast. Apparently, this news was breaking. I sure did hope someone fixed it before it broke beyond all repair. Where would we be without the news?

[A man in his late thirties was released from Telworth's Prison earlier this morning after a successful appeal to his case. He then proceeded to go on what can only be described as a rampage, injuring a mechanic and killing a member of staff at a McDonald's fast food restaurant before smashing the side window of his stolen car with his fists. He then ate his meal and sped away from the scene. CCTV caught the man moments previous searching a rubbish bin, just outside of the McDonald's restaurant, and pulling out what looked like some sort of used drug paraphernalia. The man, who is called Peter Silloway, is considered to be dangerous, mentally unstable and should not under any circumstances be approached. The Hotline for...]

Disinterested, I turn to my friend, Sir Venous Intra. He was a little thin, today. I would have asked if he had lost weight, but that would take time, and I just wanted to take pleasure in following his wise orders.

The ecstasy of it.

My holiday was probably worth it, after all.

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