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Starring Daniel Craig as Jesus, Angelina Jolie as Mary, and Javier Bardem as Judas.
*I know virtually nothing of the Bible.
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Don't you enter Javier Bardem into this shitfest. That guy is fucking fantastic.
Also, Jesus has a Cthuluesque tentacle penis that he uses for stealth kills. It's also prominently featured in the Mary Magdalene sex scene.