I don't really think this is going to work any better than a fat guy going on a diet.
Becomes:
I am a man, I eat fat, I'm going to actually work.
I wish to complain about this parrot I purchased not half an hour ago from this very shop.
Becomes:
I'm 30 minutes ago, this cult, I purchased the shop, I'm very unhappy.
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Congratulations, Oddey, on winning FC's fanfiction competition two years running! You are clearly the man to beat!
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